zk_html/diary/2004-03-31-00:30:21.html

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                <p><span class="tag">diary</span> <span class="tag">livejournal</span> <span class="tag">fossils</span></p>
<p>This has to be the worst attack I&rsquo;ve had since 6th grade.  What little bit I was getting from Michael (who is in no way at fault for this - so don&rsquo;t even think of appologizing) earlier seems to have triggered something.  At the risk of sounding angsty, here goes: these are quite simply the most vivid suicidal thoughts I&rsquo;ve had yet - everything from wondering how much it&rsquo;d hurt to be stabbed with a soldering iron to whether it might be better to kill myself like they kill kosher cows: with a sharp blade to the neck, so that all they feel is dizziness and falling asleep as the blood drains; these are the worst thoughts regarding school I&rsquo;ve had yet this year, mostly tied to the emotions of helplessness and pointlessness; and this is the most scared I&rsquo;ve been, period.  I&rsquo;ve got it running in the background (heh, yeah, ctrl-z; bg emotions) right now, and I&rsquo;m going to try and let it run itself out.  I staggered out of bed, crying (imagine that..), to go look for sleepytime tea so that maybe I could sleep it off, but I couldn&rsquo;t find that, so instead I&rsquo;m going to write it out - express myself and all that, while perhaps trying to garner some pity.  Maybe I could pick up on that instead, so that I could realize what a sorry dolt I must seem like and just snap out of it</p>
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update from sparkleup 2020-04-25 06:30:08 +00:00			`<!doctype html>`
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			`<p><span class="tag">diary</span> <span class="tag">livejournal</span> <span class="tag">fossils</span></p>`
update from sparkleup 2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00			<p>This has to be the worst attack I’ve had since 6th grade. What little bit I was getting from Michael (who is in no way at fault for this - so don’t even think of appologizing) earlier seems to have triggered something. At the risk of sounding angsty, here goes: these are quite simply the most vivid suicidal thoughts I’ve had yet - everything from wondering how much it’d hurt to be stabbed with a soldering iron to whether it might be better to kill myself like they kill kosher cows: with a sharp blade to the neck, so that all they feel is dizziness and falling asleep as the blood drains; these are the worst thoughts regarding school I’ve had yet this year, mostly tied to the emotions of helplessness and pointlessness; and this is the most scared I’ve been, period. I’ve got it running in the background (heh, yeah, ctrl-z; bg emotions) right now, and I’m going to try and let it run itself out. I staggered out of bed, crying (imagine that..), to go look for sleepytime tea so that maybe I could sleep it off, but I couldn’t find that, so instead I’m going to write it out - express myself and all that, while perhaps trying to garner some pity. Maybe I could pick up on that instead, so that I could realize what a sorry dolt I must seem like and just snap out of it</p>
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