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<title>Zk | 06</title>
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<h1>Zk | 06</h1>
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<p>date: 2019-12-19
weight: 6</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>Start at the beginning.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>And when I get to the end, stop. Yes.</p>
<p>As soon as I got <a class="pulse" href="/gender/surgery">surgery</a>, literally when I was in the hospital, laying in bed on my five days strict bed-rest, something changed about the ways in which trans women interacted with me. I was, in some indescribable way, no longer trans.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Or, perhaps, no longer trans enough.</p>
</blockquote>
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<p>Yes. I became a <em>persona non grata</em> in a way that didn&rsquo;t involve actually cutting me out of trans spaces.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>You were done. You were finished. You had beat the game.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I was a woman now. What could I possibly bring to a trans space, now that I was just a woman? I was appropriating their spaces. I was trespassing.</p>
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<p>So. Do you see yourself as a woman?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>You just asked me that.</p>
<blockquote>
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<p>And I didn&rsquo;t like your answer. Do you see yourself as a woman?</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>I don&rsquo;t. I see myself as a trans woman.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>Why?</p>
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<p>Do you want the scientific answer(s), or the personal?</p>
<blockquote>
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<p>&hellip;</p>
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</blockquote>
<p>Right.</p>
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<p>I see myself as a trans woman because that&rsquo;s who I am. That&rsquo;s <em>what</em> I am. I can&rsquo;t change that. I can&rsquo;t suddenly become interested in mechanical engineering. I can&rsquo;t suddenly be a dog. I can&rsquo;t even slowly become those things, I can&rsquo;t <em>learn</em> to be a mechanical engineer, because I&rsquo;m not interested in it.</p>
<p>I can&rsquo;t become a woman.</p>
<p>This isn&rsquo;t some essentialist, transphobic bullshit. Trans women are women, period. I&rsquo;m not denying that.</p>
<p>I&rsquo;m just not a woman. I&rsquo;m a trans woman. I&rsquo;m <em>specifically</em> a trans woman. That&rsquo;s who I am. That&rsquo;s <em>what</em> I am. I don&rsquo;t want to pass. I don&rsquo;t want to be stealth. I don&rsquo;t want to be a woman, because that&rsquo;s very specifically not what I am.</p>
<p>To have someone say, &ldquo;I just see you as a woman&rdquo; is to have a portion of my identity erased. It&rsquo;s reductionist to describe someone as something they aren&rsquo;t. That&rsquo;s one of the lessons we learned from folks coming out, from folks learning about identity.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>You just also learned that other trans women are as apt to do the same.</p>
</blockquote>
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<p>Yes. I left chats. I stopped talking with some people. I didn&rsquo;t feel welcome, no matter how friendly folks were. Where I had been leaning heavily on Maddy, that cis-female character, I started drifting back towards Makyo, towrads portraying the explicitly transfeminine.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>All because they believed you were something that you weren&rsquo;t.</p>
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</blockquote>
<p>Yes.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>And did you ask them?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>No.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Why not?</p>
</blockquote>
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2020-06-24 07:10:07 +00:00
<p>I didn&rsquo;t feel that I needed to. It was one of those types of ostracization where you&rsquo;re part of a circle, and then slowly people stop referring to you, and then maybe someone leans over to nudge the person standing on the other side of you and then doesn&rsquo;t quite lean back all the way, and then somehow you&rsquo;re standing just outside this circle of your very own friends, holding your red solo cup, wondering what it is that you did wrong.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>Did you make your voice heard.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Not for more than a year after.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Why not?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Because perhaps I was appropriating their space. Perhaps I was taking this venue that was for these pre-op trans women to talk about their struggles and stepping into it unwanted. Perhaps I was stepping out of my lane.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Were you?</p>
</blockquote>
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<p>I don&rsquo;t know.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p>
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