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<!doctype html>
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<title>Zk | 02</title>
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<h1>Zk | 02</h1>
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<p>date: 2019-08-17
weight: 23</p>
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<p>Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.</p>
<blockquote>
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<p>&lsquo;Started&rsquo;?</p>
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</blockquote>
<p>Well, okay, in a very specific way. I started hating the anger. I started hating the expectations. I starting hating the toxicity.</p>
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<p>You started hating a lot more than that.</p>
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<p>I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies.</p>
<p>I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.</p>
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<p>Not even yourself.</p>
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<p>Not yet, at least.</p>
<p>There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds.</p>
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<p>Tell me about suicide.</p>
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<p>Not yet. Don&rsquo;t derail me for a bit. I need some breathing room after yesterday.</p>
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<p>Tell me about Younes, then.</p>
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<p>I&rsquo;m getting there.</p>
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<p>I started taking my own meds alongside those the doctor gave me. I started the slow process of ridding myself of testosterone. I hated my body so much, I did my best to camp out up in my head, to remove at least one means of having to interact with it: sex.</p>
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<p>Go back. Before that.</p>
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<p>Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by &lsquo;it&rsquo; pronouns. And I made Younes.</p>
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<p>Younes was a means for me to no longer lie. Or at least knock the severity of the lies down a few notches.</p>
<p>Younes was like me. He looked like a guy, but had something decidedly feminine about him.</p>
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<p>Don&rsquo;t be coy: he had a vagina.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Well, yes, but he wasn&rsquo;t simply male in all his interactions. He was effeminate, without being flamey. He could be both more and less than a guy.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Let&rsquo;s talk about kink.</p>
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</blockquote>
<p>Soon, soon.</p>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p>
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