55 lines
2.7 KiB
HTML
55 lines
2.7 KiB
HTML
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<!doctype html>
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<html>
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<head>
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<title>Zk | 009</title>
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<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="/style.css" />
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<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width" />
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<meta charset="utf-8" />
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</head>
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<body>
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<main>
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<header>
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<h1>Zk | 009</h1>
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</header>
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<article class="content">
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<hr />
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<p>date: 2019-09-16
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weight: 9</p>
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<hr />
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<blockquote>
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<p>And now you're still again.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Sometimes. One of the treatments worked, though I'm not sure which. One of them caused vertigo and nausea, though I'm not sure which. But even after I went off them, I'm usually still.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Is that not enough?</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>It's certainly better, don't get me wrong. The stress of driving will bring out the dance-like turn of my arm. An interview a few weeks ago went poorly after the twitching and twirling got bad enough to prevent me from focusing on the problem at hand. A distressing scene in a movie will leave me paralyzed and rigid in my seat, posture unnatural and unnerving.</p>
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<p>Judith reassured me that it looked like I was stretching, that it was less distressing than the tic.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>You still apologized. You apologized to all of your partners the first time they saw it, and countless times after.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Yes. I explained and explained, hoping they'd forgive me.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>For what? For being less than perfect?</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>For being vulnerable. Even after so long away from my dad and Jay, it's ingrained in me that vulnerability is a personal failing. Or perhaps it's more general: perhaps vulnerability is worth apologizing for because of some hereditary reason. Perhaps I'm apologizing to my ancestors, to the human race, for being less than they hoped for, for being a disappointment.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>How very human of you.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>My therapist apologized to me on one stressy day when I was visibly struggling to stay still. She said she felt bad for having caused this. I rushed to reassure her that, no, it probably wasn't her fault, that I'd been on the antipsychotics for a while before ever meeting her. That the tic started back in 2012 before I'd even started those.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>You apologized for the fact that she felt the need to apologize.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Well, yes.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>It's not your fault either, you know.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don't. Or can't.</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2020-04-24</p>
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</footer>
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</main>
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</body>
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</html>
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