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<!doctype html>
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<title>Zk | 01</title>
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<h1>Zk | 01</h1>
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<article class="content">
<hr />
<p>date: 2019-08-18
weight: 1</p>
<hr />
<div class="cw">Self harm</div>
<p>Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.</p>
<p>It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>An obvious solution.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.</p>
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<p>I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I&rsquo;m depressed as well as when I&rsquo;m hypomanic, it&rsquo;s more likely to be right.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.</p>
</blockquote>
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<p>Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn&rsquo;t a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.</p>
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<p>I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Now now, what did we say about secrets?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You spilled the beans.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You spoiled the surprise.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Everyone was so confused.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Lapsus linguae.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I was so ashamed.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You spoke too soon.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Even my punishment was wrong.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>It was the last thing <a class="pulse" href="/furry/margaras">Margaras</a> heard from you.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>He died knowing that about you.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You cannot take that back.</p>
</blockquote>
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<p>If Younes, chemcast, and Margs&rsquo; death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>You cannot.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Please.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You cannot.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Oh god.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>It was the last thing he heard from you.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Merciful god, please take me away.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>You never spoke to him again.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.</p>
</article>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-05-10</p>
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