<spanclass="nv">Been</span><spanclass="nv">a</span><spanclass="k">while</span><spanclass="nv">since</span><spanclass="nv">I</span><spanclass="s1">'</span><spanclass="s">ve heard from you. You guys get all settled in the new house? Need to get together and catch up. Still have that gun for your collection.</span>
<spanclass="n">Things</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">are</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">going</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">fine</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">house</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">though</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">things</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">are</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">always</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">more</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">expensive</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">than</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">they</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">first</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">seem</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">We</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">got</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">old</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">house</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">rented</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">though</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">helps</span><spanclass="p">;</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">mortgage</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">on</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">about</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="o">$</span><spanclass="mi">650</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="s1">'s renting for $1550, so the extra cash really helps with the new place. Other than finances though,it'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">going</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">well</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Loveland</span><spanclass="s1">'s kind of a desert for restaurants and things to do, but we'</span><spanclass="n">ve</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">got</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">enough</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">keep</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">us</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">occupied</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">house</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">It</span><spanclass="s1">'s a shame to hear about grandma, but I suppose that'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">sort</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">what</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">happens</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">one</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">gets</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">older</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">You</span><spanclass="s1">'ll have to say hi for me, I'</span><spanclass="n">ll</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">travelling</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Seattle</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">around</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">then</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Things</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">are</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">going</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">okay</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">here</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">work</span><spanclass="s1">'s going really well and there'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">lots</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">travel</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">just</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">got</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">back</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">from</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Brussels</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">not</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">too</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">long</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">ago</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">am</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">currently</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Bay</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Area</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">on</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">first</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Actual</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Vacation</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve taken in a while, the rest having been coincidental things with conferences and conventions. We'</span><spanclass="n">ll</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">have</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">meet</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">up</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">sometime</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">drinks</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">catching</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">up</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">All</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">other</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">times</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">had</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">come</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">family</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">or</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">friends</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">was</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">something</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">assumed</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">or</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">something</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">hinted</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">When</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">came</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">mom</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">did</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">so</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">by</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">leaving</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">book</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">about</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">gay</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">teens</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">their</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">stories</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">on</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">her</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">stack</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">books</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">read</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Coming</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">work</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">first</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">job</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">college</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">was</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">matter</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">being</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="s2">"the one hired by the gay manager"</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">coming</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">second</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">job</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">was</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">matter</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclas
<spanclass="n">Needless</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">say</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'m not all that good at coming out.</span>
<spanclass="n">Running</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">away</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">was</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">turning</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">point</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">both</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">us</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">think</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">we</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">have</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">always</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">been</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">guarded</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">our</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">communication</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">with</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">each</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">other</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">During</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">time</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">life</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">felt</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">under</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">intense</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">distress</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">couldn</span><spanclass="s1">'t express to you. Not only did I not have the words, it didn'</span><spanclass="n">t</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">fit</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">with</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">what</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">perceived</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">our</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">mode</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">communication</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">felt</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">stuck</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">drained</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">worthless</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">only</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">path</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">forward</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">time</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">was</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">escape</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">After</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">incident</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">however</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">shut</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">down</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">even</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">more</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">didn</span><spanclass="s1">'t feel that talking through emotions, feelings, and identity with you was appropriate or allowed. This was something based off of my perceptions, which were that there are appropriate conversations to have, and that not all conversations fit into this category. I think - I hope - that my perceptions growing up were wrong. I know that my running away caused a lot of pain, and that'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">something</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">still</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">bad</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">about</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">just</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">know</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">only</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">coming</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">you</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">through</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">wedding</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">invite</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">was</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">not</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">classiest</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">move</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">bad</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">about</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">well</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">It</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">has</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">been</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">goal</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">with</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">friends</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">partners</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">have</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">relationships</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">based</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">on</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">ability</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">share</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">emotions</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">problems</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">are</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">part</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">parcel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">being</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">living</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">human</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">being</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Over</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">last</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">few</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">years</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve worked to open up to my mom as well, letting deliberate honesty take the place of obfuscation and lying through omission about the things that are tough to talk about. I think that, as my dad, I owe that to you as well. I want to make up for all the lost conversations that we'</span><spanclass="n">ve</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">never</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">had</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">We</span><spanclass="s1">'ve made good buddies over the last few decades, and I think it'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">important</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">we</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">also</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">make</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">good</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">family</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve been having troubles fitting within a masculine role for as long as I can remember. Early on, this was shown through a disregard for the boyish aspects of childhood: a lack of interest in sports, a fascination with reading the same books Marika (I apologize if I'</span><spanclass="n">ve</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">misspelled</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">her</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">name</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">believe</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="s1">'s the first time I'</span><spanclass="n">ve</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">ever</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">written</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">myself</span><spanclass="p">),</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">need</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">keep</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">out</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">cliques</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">other</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">boys</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">early</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">school</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">years</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">except</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">crowd</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">misfits</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">wound</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">up</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">palling</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">around</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">with</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">with</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">whom</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">still</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">keep</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">touch</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">Somewhere</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">around</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">then</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">understood</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">what</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feminism</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">was</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">all</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">about</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">realized</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">how</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">everything</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">from</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">wages</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">down</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">ways</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">which</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">we</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">walk</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">are</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">coded</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">toward</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">gender</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">hated</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">didn</span><spanclass="s1">'t fit this masculine role into which I was born, and there was little to nothing I could do about it.</span>
<spanclass="n">Gayle</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Rubin</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">describes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">gender</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">aggregation</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="s2">"chromosomal sex, hormonal exposure, internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and psychological identifications."</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Needless</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">say</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">there</span><spanclass="s1">'s a lot bound up in the topic, and a whole lot of it made me feel awful. I spent most of 2012 doing my level best to reject gender in its entirety. I denied my masculinity as I strived for neutrality and, while I gained quite a bit of insight, I gained little ground in terms of tackling my own problems with my identity.</span>
<spanclass="n">It</span><spanclass="s1">'s only recently that I'</span><spanclass="n">ve</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">decided</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">come</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">at</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">this</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">problem</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">identity</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">personal</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">friction</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">an</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">explicit</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">deliberate</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">fashion</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">There</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">are</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">things</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">life</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">make</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">bad</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">just</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">there</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">are</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">everyone</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve found that it'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">job</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">more</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">than</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">anyone</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">else</span><spanclass="s1">'s, to fix the things in my life that cause me pain. Identity, after all, is that which we feel about ourselves when under duress.</span>
<spanclass="n">What</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">this</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">boils</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">down</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'m more than just uncomfortable in a masculine role, it causes me intense psychological distress, and so I'</span><spanclass="n">m</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">working</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">fix</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve found ways to soothe this friction, however, and, as I mentioned, I'</span><spanclass="n">m</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">deliberately</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">pursuing</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">these</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">fronts</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">can</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">do</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">little</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">things</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">like</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">dress</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">less</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">masculine</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">fashion</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">walk</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">with</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">less</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">swagger</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">get</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">down</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">point</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">change</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">name</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">away</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">from</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">something</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">so</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">decidedly</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">masculine</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'m working on changing my name from Matthew Joseph Scott to Madison Jesse Scott-Clary. It'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">way</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">mitigate</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">this</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">distress</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="s1">'s working well from my point of view. I'</span><spanclass="n">m</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">finally</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">being</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">proactive</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">about</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="bp">self</span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="n">actualization</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">rather</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">than</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">waiting</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">come</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">from</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">outside</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="s1">'s doing me wonders.</span>
<spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">waffle</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">quite</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">bit</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">on</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">whether</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">or</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">not</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">adopt</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">label</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">transgender</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">myself</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">but</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">lot</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">ways</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">fits</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="s1">'Transgender'</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">an</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">umbrella</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">term</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">encompasses</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">most</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">all</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">gender</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">variance</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">human</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">population</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">literally</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">just</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">means</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">not</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">identifying</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">with</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">culturally</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">defined</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">gender</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">roles</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">or</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">categories</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">male</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">or</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">female</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">pertains</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">one</span><spanclass="s1">'s sex assigned at birth.</span>
<spanclass="n">Going</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">back</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Rubin</span><spanclass="s1">'s definition of gender, it is my psychological identification that is not in line with my biological sex. I don'</span><spanclass="n">t</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="s2">"more like a woman than a man"</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">so</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">much</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">decidedly</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">ungendered</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">Gender</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">itself</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">non</span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="n">binary</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">there</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">isn</span><spanclass="s1">'t simply an either-or, or a line between two extremes, but a whole realm of experience that exists, unique to each person as an individual.</span>
<spanclass="n">As</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">far</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">definitions</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">go</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">this</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">makes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">more</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="s2">"genderqueer"</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">or</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="s2">"genderfluid"</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">rather</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">than</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">simply</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="s2">"transgender"</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">However</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">given</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">tendency</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">shy</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">away</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">from</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">masculinity</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">think</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">safe</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">say</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">although</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">will</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">aways</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">man</span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="n">shape</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="p">(</span><spanclass="n">there</span><spanclass="s1">'s no changing my height, natch), I will be a lot less masculine, and thus to all appearances by society at large more feminine, than I have been in the past. So while transgender works, I generally describe myself as agender or genderqueer, and use gender-neutral pronouns such as "they/them/theirs" to refer to myself.</span>
<spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve already brought up the name change, and as yet, that'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">one</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">set</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">very</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">small</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">changes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">make</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">up</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">attempts</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">alleviate</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">this</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">particular</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">type</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">distress</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">It</span><spanclass="s1">'s these little things - changing my name, growing my hair out, carefully choosing the clothing that I purchase - that I'</span><spanclass="n">ve</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">adopted</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">so</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">far</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">as</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">deliberate</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">attempts</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">make</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">myself</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">better</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">am</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">however</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">still</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">There</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">nothing</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">above</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">surface</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">level</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">changing</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">This</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">has</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">always</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">been</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">will</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">always</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">there</span><spanclass="s1">'s certainly no changing that. Little things such as changing my name are ways in which I can better align that sense of self with the ways in which the world perceives me.</span>
<spanclass="n">These</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">changes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">allow</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">live</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">way</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">makes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">me</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">content</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve been searching for a long time for the supposed happiness that comes with being a grown-up, and, like most everyone, decided it'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">bogus</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">However</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">there</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">something</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">said</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">realizing</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">oneself</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">way</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">provides</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">utmost</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="bp">self</span><spanclass="o">-</span><spanclass="n">fulfillment</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">oneself</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">can</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">provide</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">What</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">comes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">down</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">good</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">here</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">better</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">than</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">have</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">in</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">long</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">long</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">time</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">think</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">my</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">actions</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">speak</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">themselves</span><spanclass="p">:</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">this</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">who</span><span
<spanclass="n">Dad</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">appreciate</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">all</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">you</span><spanclass="s1">'ve done for me. I owe so much more to you than I could ever put into words. So much of the things we did while I was growing up proved formative to who I am today, and there'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">no</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">expressing</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">gratitude</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">feel</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">You</span><spanclass="s1">'ve given me so much that there'</span><spanclass="n">s</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">no</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">amount</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">could</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">give</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">back</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">repay</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span>
<spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">understand</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">changes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">am</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">making</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">myself</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">now</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'m nearing 30, vary in size from minuscule to enormous. I understand that I am changing some pretty integral parts of myself, some of which you had a say in yourself, such as my name.</span>
<spanclass="n">What</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">comes</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">down</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'m writing to seek your acceptance. It needn'</span><spanclass="n">t</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">immediate</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="p">(</span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'m telling you this in a letter for a reason, take all the time you need in responding), and it needn'</span><spanclass="n">t</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">necessarily</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">wholehearted</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">However</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">this</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">is</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">path</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">that</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'m heading down, dad, and I'</span><spanclass="n">m</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">determined</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">do</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">so</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">There</span><spanclass="s1">'s years and years and years of thought and emotion bound up inside of these steps I'</span><spanclass="n">m</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">taking</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">want</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">you</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">to</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">be</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">aware</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">them</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="ow">and</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">if</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">it</span><spanclass="s1">'s alright by you, for you to be a part of them.</span>
<spanclass="n">Apologies</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="k">for</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">so</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">many</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">words</span><spanclass="p">,</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">know</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">wrote</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">rather</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">a</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">lot</span><spanclass="o">.</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ll stop here and leave some links and resources below. I wish you all the best in work and in life.</span>
<spanclass="p">[</span><spanclass="mi">4</span><spanclass="p">]</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">A</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">really</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">good</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">paper</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">on</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">the</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">types</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">of</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">things</span><spanclass="w"></span><spanclass="n">I</span><spanclass="s1">'ve been working through over the past decade or so: http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/Witnessing.pdf</span>
<p>Interacting with him was walking a minefield of proclamations. One didn’t just discuss a topic. One didn’t just feel emotions and have a heart to heart. One learned about something and showed that they knew what they were talking about. I <em>had</em> to talk like a lawyer. I <em>had</em> to write an essay.</p>
<p>Matthew was dead, and this was me letting him go. Madison was a newborn. Less than two months old. I couldn’t not be careful. I was too fragile.</p>
