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<title>Zk | 02</title>
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<h1>Zk | 02</h1>
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<p>date: 2019-10-30
weight: 2</p>
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<p>I stand by the fact that not every trans, non-binary, or queer person experiences gender through a negative lens. Dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans. It has to be the case that there be a positive way to experience gender, or transition would be simply an exercise in futility. There has to be a flip side. There has to be gender euphoria.</p>
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<p>There has to be the little thrill of typing <code>morph female</code> and being able to interact with the world around you &mdash; even if that&rsquo;s only in the instance of a furry text-base role-play game &mdash; as something other, something truer. There has to be that even when you still enjoy the body you&rsquo;ve got.</p>
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<p>Or are at least okay with it being yours on a day-to-day basis, yes.</p>
<p>And I was. I thought I looked okay. I was reasonably fit. I was tall and I liked it. I was a baritone and happy with my voice.</p>
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<p>&ldquo;Was&rdquo;?</p>
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<p>There has to be some flip-side, right? There has to be a flip-side to the gender euphoria that I was feeling, and that was a slowly mounting dysphoria.</p>
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<p>If we got here through any one part of the trail I mentioned, it was through Younes specifically, more than <em>just</em> furry or <em>just</em> self-harm, because with Younes, so much started to hit me in a very visceral, physical way. It was one thing for me play as a girl online, to touch on aspects of gender and fertility and even sexism. It was another to be confronted with the fact that maybe the body that I had wasn&rsquo;t okay.</p>
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<p>&ldquo;I remember laying on the couch,&rdquo; you said. &ldquo;That awful, awful yellow couch, and [JD] getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against me wasn&rsquo;t in focus.&rdquo;</p>
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<p>Why do you bring my words back to me?</p>
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<p>&ldquo;It brought to the forefront the fact that I didn&rsquo;t align with myself,&rdquo; you said. &ldquo;That there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself.&rdquo;</p>
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<p>I did. But why?</p>
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<p>Because you wrote that in the section about liminality.</p>
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<p>Yes, but I wrote it two days later than I wrote about Younes.</p>
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<p>The time scale is not what I&rsquo;m pointing at right now.</p>
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<p>Can you point?</p>
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<p>Are you looking at my finger, or the moon? Don&rsquo;t dodge this. I&rsquo;m pointing at the fact that you came at gender through furry, then through self-harm, and yet this quote, this realization of &ldquo;oh, shit, I might actually be trans&rdquo;, is all the way on the other side of that goofy map you make, and from there, you headed into talking about your dad.</p>
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2020-04-25 05:00:08 +00:00
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<p>So?</p>
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<p>And you headed from there to talking about your dad.</p>
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<p>So?</p>
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<p>By way of talking about a dress you tried on as a kid.</p>
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<p>I think I see where you&rsquo;re going, but it&rsquo;s important that you make your point.</p>
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<p>Gender is woven throughout this entire project. Gender is woven throughout your entire life. You build a map of this site like a web, and it is gender that is helping to hold it together.</p>
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<p>It is identity that is holding it together.</p>
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<p>Name a part of your identity that figures larger in your life than gender.</p>
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<p>Ah.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p>
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