<p><em>1:39 PM Markus></em> Doctor Maura told me I should start journaling when this whole crazy process started. She said it would keep me grounded, let me set milestones of memory, some BS like that.</p>
<p><em>12:10 AM Markus></em> I made it home from the hospital a few hours ago. My hand hurts. My heart hurts. So much paperwork to let someone go.</p>
<p><em>12:28 AM Markus></em> Now I’m sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for the water to heat up, and it’s already hot, but I’m still on my phone, just like you hate.</p>
<p><em>11:13 AM Markus></em> Surprised I don’t feel self-righteous or whatever. Just resolute. I didn’t “win”. If anyone won, it was you.</p>
<p><em>11:14 AM Markus></em> But if I’d had to cede to your mom and stepdad that would have hurt.</p>
<p><em>2:18 PM Markus></em> I formed your ashes into a rock by mixing them with water and baking until they got hard, and then I skipped it across the university pond.</p>
<p><em>2:19 PM Markus></em> Kidding.</p>
<p><em>2:19 PM Markus></em> I know you asked for that.</p>
<p><em>2:27 PM Markus></em> I drove up into the hills until I got to one of those pull-aside rest stops, and I walked down to the river there, and I just sat for a bit and cried.</p>
<p><em>2:28 PM Markus></em> And I cut open the bag of ashes and scooped a few pawfuls of water in there and mixed it up to a sort of smoothie consistency.</p>
<p><em>2:29 PM Markus></em> And I poured it out on the river bank.</p>
<p><em>2:29 PM Markus></em> And I kinda mixed and kneaded and massaged it into the river mud.</p>
<p><em>2:29 PM Markus></em> And I just kinda cried and gave you up bit by bit.</p>
<p><em>2:30 PM Markus></em> The water would splash up on the banks and I just let you be carried away bit by bit.</p>
<p><em>2:30 PM Markus></em> Until there was nothing left but a messy spot on the shore.</p>
<p><em>2:30 PM Markus></em> And I washed my paws.</p>
<p><em>2:30 PM Markus></em> And it was super cold.</p>
<p><em>2:30 PM Markus></em> And I only had my jeans to dry my paws on, so I just sat there like an idiot.</p>
<p><em>2:30 PM Markus></em> Crying and puffing into my paws to try and warm them up.</p>
<p><em>12:03 PM Markus></em> I slept and feel better, and now I’m giggling like an idiot over the fact that I did something meaningful to me, and it turned out I was breaking the law the whole time. You’re not supposed to scatter ashes in water.</p>
<p><em>12:03 PM Markus></em> (And even if it were legal, there’s probably a better way to do it than what I did.)</p>
<p><em>12:04 PM Markus></em> So there you have it. I thought I was going to snub your goofy wishes but your idiot husband wound up going along with them all the same.</p>
<p><em>4:54 PM Markus></em> I miss you, sweetheart.</p>
<p><em>4:54 PM Markus></em> I remember when you got diagnosed and we both had a good cry over it, but then it all turned out to be so boring after that.</p>
<p><em>4:55 PM Markus></em> It was hard having that hang over us both, I know, but it all got routine</p>
<p><em>4:56 PM Markus></em> Awful, but routine</p>
<p><em>4:56 PM Markus></em> And then things got better.</p>
<p><em>6:44 PM Markus></em> I’ve yet to find anything that could rightfully be called hers.</p>
<p><em>6:46 PM Markus></em> She wants to go through your desk with me, and I don’t know what to say to her. She says she’s got books and papers that are hers in there, and I don’t know what to do about that.</p>
<p><em>6:48 PM Markus></em> She keeps sending me messages in all caps that are half about your stuff and half about how I’m the wrong species, and that you deserved a cat who would take care of her and give her grandkits. She says I’m garbage and disreputable and that I tarnished the reputation of your family.</p>
<p><em>6:48 PM Markus></em> Which I don’t get.</p>
<p><em>6:48 PM Markus></em> You guys aren’t famous</p>
<p><em>6:48 PM Markus></em><em>Forwarded message from Xiuying (Lee Mom)</em> GARBAGE YOUR GARBAGE I CANT BELIEVE YOUD KEEP ME FROM MY DAUGHTER</p>
<p><em>6:48 PM Markus></em><em>Forwarded message from Xiuying (Lee Mom)</em> You took our name and DRAGGED IT THROUGH MUD YOU TOOK LI AND DRAGGED HER THROUGH MUD GIVE ME WHATS MINE</p>
<p><em>6:49 PM Markus></em> Though I guess I did drag you throuugh the mud.</p>
<p><em>6:52 PM Markus></em> I was going to go through your clothes first, because those felt like they’d be easy, but I’m going to go through your desk instead.</p>
<p><em>4:22 PM Markus></em> I love you and miss you so much. You were always so good at telling her to go away. She won’t listen to me at all.</p>
<p><em>5:24 PM Markus></em> Your stepdad was nice enough, we talked about memories of you. He said he knew about your feelings toward him, and that he wished he’d done better by you.</p>
<p><em>5:24 PM Markus></em> But then I got home and YOUR MOM HAS BEEN IN OUR APARTMENT</p>
<p><em>5:25 PM Markus></em> I guess I got home faster than they thought, but I think your stepdad was keeping me occupied while your mom BROKE INTO OUR PLACE</p>
<p><em>5:26 PM Markus></em> I ran into her in front of the building and she started yelling and hollering at me, and I was so confused.</p>
<p><em>5:26 PM Markus></em> She said I was hiding your stuff from her and that she would be calling her lawyer.</p>
<p><em>5:28 PM Markus></em> AND THEN SHE HIT ME</p>
<p><em>5:28 PM Markus></em> SHE SLAPPED ME</p>
<p><em>5:29 PM Markus></em> I yelled that I was going to call the police when Jun screeched up in a car and she jumped in and drove off</p>
<p><em>5:58 PM Markus></em> They took a report and said to call again if she shows up, that way they can talk with her, and worst case, then I can get a restraining order.</p>
<p><em>5:59 PM Markus></em> She trashed our bookshelf and dug through our closets.</p>
<p><em>2:49 PM Markus></em> We talked for a bit about what I should do.</p>
<p><em>2:40 PM Markus></em> I told her about the letter you left. She agrees I should share with your parents, if only to give closure, like I said before.</p>
<p><em>2:58 PM Markus></em> About sending you messages, even though you’ll never respond. Just talking to you.</p>
<p><em>3:00 PM Markus></em> She says it can be a healthy coping mechanism, but only to a point, and that I shouldn’t lean on it too much, or I won’t stop grieving.</p>
<p><em>3:01 PM Markus></em> I promised I’d let your account expire, and would do my best to start moving on sooner than that.</p>
<p><em>3:02 PM Markus></em> We also talked about getting through grief in stages. She says there are a few different lists of ‘stages of grief’, but that they’re all just loose guidelines.</p>
<p><em>3:03 PM Markus></em> She says it sounds like I’m going through some healthy stuff, but that she wants to meet again to make sure I keep going.</p>
<p><em>3:05 PM Markus></em> She says that things could wear me out and make me depressed, or that things could be super easy and I could finish all the work I need to do, and realize you’re truly gone and get depressed.</p>
<p><em>3:05 PM Markus></em> I countered that I was depressed now, but I’m not sure about that anymore. I think I’m sad, and that depression will come soon.</p>
<p><em>3:06 PM Markus></em> I’m sad, Lee.</p>
<p><em>3:06 PM Markus></em> I’m sad and I’m tired and I want you back.</p>
<p><em>3:06 PM Markus></em> I’m sitting on the floor waiting for the shower again. My tail’s fallen asleep. I’m gonna go before you get mad, even if that isn’t possible.</p>
<p><em>3:07 PM Markus></em> I don’t care if that’s me grieving in an unhealthy manner or anything, I’m going to go before you get mad.</p>
<p><em>3:07 PM Markus></em> I’ll try to only write again after things with your parents.</p>
<p><em>5:47 PM Markus></em> We met at that same coffee shop I met Jun at before. The Book and the Bean. It’s got a bookstore in the back, I think we’ve been there before.</p>
<p><em>5:49 PM Markus></em> So we were really quiet and Jun was looking down at his paws a lot and your mom was glaring at me a lot and I was tired.</p>
<p><em>7:33 PM Markus></em> So the more I thought about what I had planned, the less I really wanted to go through with it. So I tried to just sit there and talk with your parents about you and all the good time and stuff.</p>
<p><em>7:33 PM Markus></em> I tried earnestly to patch things up, but your mom just told me she remembered things differently.</p>
<p><em>7:34 PM Markus></em> And it was stupid, because I could tell Jun was sad.</p>
<p><em>7:34 PM Markus></em> After everything.</p>
<p><em>7:34 PM Markus></em> After everything in your letter and after the dumbass break-in attempt and everything.</p>
<p><em>7:35 PM Markus></em> He would smile a little at a memory I brought up, then look off away from your mom like he wasn’t going to cry.</p>
<p><em>7:35 PM Markus></em> And then your mom would get huffy, and he’d nod at her, and go back to looking at his paws.</p>
<p><em>7:35 PM Markus></em> I don’t know.</p>
<p><em>7:36 PM Markus></em> I feel like he’s as exhausted as I am, but for different reasons.</p>
<p><em>7:36 PM Markus></em> Before, when I was feeling more vengeful, I thought maybe I’d print off some copies and hand it to them all formally and wither them under my glare or whatever.</p>
<p><em>8:03 PM Markus></em> And I told them what the letter was about.</p>
<p><em>8:04 PM Markus></em> And as I started to talk about all that your dad had done and all that your mom and Jun did to cover it up I started to loosen things up</p>
<p><em>8:04 PM Markus></em> And I started to feel lighter.</p>
<p><em>8:04 PM Markus></em> And I started to wake up.</p>
<p><em>8:04 PM Markus></em> And your mom started looking strange and scared.</p>
<p><em>8:04 PM Markus></em> And Jun was actively crying now</p>
<p><em>12:04 AM Markus></em> That sounds cliche, but it’s true. Like, she was gripping the table tight and all set to pounce, and whatever tension was in her muscles snapped violently and she threw the table.</p>
<p><em>12:05 AM Markus></em> It sounds so fucking ridiculous to say it now, hah</p>
<p><em>12:05 AM Markus></em> It was scary as hell then, though. She threw the whole table to the side and then threw her coffee cup (empty) at my face and then hit Jun with her purse.</p>
<p><em>12:06 AM Markus></em> And I thought she was done because everyone was shocked and staring at us.</p>
<p><em>12:06 AM Markus></em> But then she started shrieking and ran to the book shelf we were sitting by and started throwing books at us.</p>
<p><em>12:07 AM Markus></em> This is dumb, but it was sorta like when I’d pick you up when you were being a fuss and carry you off to bed, laughing.</p>
<p><em>12:08 AM Markus></em> And they fucking handcuffed your mom and put her in the back of the cruiser.</p>
<p><em>12:08 AM Markus></em> And no one was hurt, so the fire truck left</p>
<p><em>12:08 AM Markus></em> And the police came in and started taking reports as Jun and I and the badger started picking up the books and putting them back.</p>
<p><em>12:09 AM Markus></em> And all the while your mom was alternating between sobbing and throwing a hissing fit in the back of the cop car.</p>
<p><em>12:09 AM Markus></em> And then I gave my report, and then Jun did</p>
<p><em>12:10 AM Markus></em> And I just kinda waved at him and left while he was giving his report.</p>
<p><em>12:10 AM Markus></em> Because how awkward of a goodbye would that have been?</p>
<p><em>1:21 PM Markus></em> I met with Dr. Maura today, and we talked about the weekend a lot.</p>
<p><em>1:21 PM Markus></em> She says that she thinks I did the right thing, and that this is a turning point in our relationship</p>
<p><em>1:22 PM Markus></em> our=me and your parents</p>
<p><em>1:22 PM Markus></em> And she said that it’s time to work on letting you go.</p>
<p><em>1:23 PM Markus></em> She said that it’s not because my relationship with you has changed, or if it has, it’s gotten stronger. She says that it’s important that I use the energy I’ve had when it came to your parents and your estate and put it to work on myself.</p>
<p><em>1:23 PM Markus></em> And I told her how tired I was and she smiled and said that I felt better after giving the letter to your parents because that was the first bit of letting you go.</p>
<p><em>9:45 PM Markus></em> So I don’t have access to your account anymore, and it’ll expire.</p>
<p><em>9:45 PM Markus></em> (and yes, I did try ‘crazy face’, but you hadn’t changed it, which is good, miss prissy whiskers.)</p>
<p><em>9:45 PM Markus></em> So…</p>
<p><em>9:45 PM Markus></em> I’ll contact you in a week and see where things go from there.</p>
<p><em>7:58 PM Markus></em> I was going to text you yesterday because I got a call from Jun.</p>
<p><em>7:59 PM Markus></em> Your mom was released that same weekend, of course, but she got charged and had to go do a trial or something and has community service and therapy.</p>
<p><em>8:01 PM Markus></em> And he said that he’ll probably be getting a divorce from your mom after the letter (I emailed it) and coming to realize just how much your mom was after him as well as you, keeping you in her service and using anxiety as a tool.</p>
<p><em>8:18 PM Markus></em> I did move the gaming rig.</p>
<p><em>8:18 PM Markus></em> Sorry not sorry.</p>
<p><em>8:19 PM Markus></em> And I started putting the stuff that was yours but worth keeping into a few boxes, which are now in my closet, and the rest of your stuff is gone.</p>
