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Madison Scott-Clary 2023-08-25 14:35:11 -07:00
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<p>I don&rsquo;t have it saved anywhere, but our final communication was a letter and a gift. I sent her a book — a comic, really, a limited edition of <em>Rruffurr,</em> along with a hand-written note apologizing for what I had done, though at that point I wasn&rsquo;t clear just which of these wobbles of our dynamic had been the true cause of her silence.</p>
<p>Her response was a request for no contact moving forward.</p>
<hr />
<p>Up until that point, my interaction with gender had been the tentative pressing against a bruise. It hurt, yes, but one cannot help <em>but</em> press on bruises, yes? There it is, blue and purple, an angry discoloration that aches at the slightest touch, and yet you cannot stop touching it, defining the edges of that ache with an apophatic walk of the fingertips.</p>
<p>This exploration began to stutter as doubt began dart around and in between the wandering feet of curiosity, tripping it up and making it hold still so that it didn&rsquo;t fall flat on its face.</p>
<p>I would interact as Younes for a day or two, and then back off in a wave of self-loathing. I would log in as Makyo, that other character who remained stolidly male, and be just Matthew, that gay man who would most certainly never be anything but, right? I would log in as him and park myself in the PN where I was a gay man, where other gay men would congregate, and I would put on my brightest smile and pretend that that bruise was not there.</p>
<p>And then, I would hit that ache with my exploration, and I&rsquo;d log back onto Tapestries to prowl around as Younes. I would find new ways to engage with his body, with the femininity inherent in his form, finding the euphoria inherent in that in turn.</p>
<p>Rinse.</p>
<p>Repeat.</p>
<p>Guilt and shame.</p>
<p>Exploration and euphoria.</p>
<p>Masculinity.</p>
<p>Tentative gestures towards femininity, towards specifically <em>not</em> my inherited masculinity.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-08-25</p>