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<title>Zk | August 17, 2008</title>
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<h1>Zk | August 17, 2008</h1>
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<h2 id="the-background">The Background</h2>
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<p>Last night, I drew another card to ponder for the next day or so and picked the Nine of Swords from the Universal Waite deck[@tarotRWS]. This card contains a distressing image of someone buried deep in emotional agony, sitting up in bed while nine swords hang in the air above and behind them. While the card usually stands for that withdrawal into self that comes with tsuch emotional pain, it can also represent, particularly while reversed or ill-dignified, oppression. In fact, Rachel Pollack specifically mentions sexuality as the reason for the oppression, and that brought to mind work.</p>
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<p>At my day job, working as technical support in the campus library, my direct supervisor quit late last year and was replaced with someone twice as competent as he was. My old supervisor was very good at keeping the library up and running, and my new supervisor is better, going further by doing things to make the library work even more smoothly. However, while my old supervisor acted fairly immature and made crude jokes ceaselessly, my new supervisor far outstrips him in this category, with every word and action showing the twelve-year-old that he still thinks he is.</p>
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<p>While I don't believe that he is actively oppressing me because of my sexuality --- I doubt he even knows, and they are pretty clearly jokes, my Indonesian coworker gets his fair share of terrorist jokes --- it does lead to a decidedly uncomfortable environment to be working in at times. Perhaps I'm just a sensitive person, but I would enjoy not having this stigma hanging over my workplace. How can I work more effectively with this? Is coming out to my boss the right thing, or should I follow my own suggestion and not let my sexuality interfere with my job, since the former has no place in the latter?</p>
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<h2 id="the-drawing">The Drawing</h2>
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<p>Still using the Universal Waite deck, I decided to make up a spread on the spot. The layout would consist of two piles related to two 'header' cards. One header card would stand for what I saw in my boss and the other would stand for a different view-point on the situation: that of my boss. I would draw two cards at a time, one for each pile, and read the two cards in a general matter to gain perspective on the situation, drawing until I feel that I've got a better idea of what's going on.</p>
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<ul>
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<li>Theme for the reading: Nine of Swords</li>
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<li>My header card: Knight of Cups.<ol>
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<li>Four of Pentacles</li>
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<li>Five of Wands</li>
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<li>The Devil</li>
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<li>Six of Wands</li>
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</ol>
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</li>
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<li>The other header card: Knight of Wands.<ol>
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<li>King of Wands</li>
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<li>Four of Swords</li>
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<li>Death</li>
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<li>Eight of Swords</li>
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</ol>
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</li>
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<li>Final card: Ace of Wands</li>
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</ul>
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<p><img alt="image" src="image8-17-08.png" /></p>
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<h2 id="the-reading">The Reading</h2>
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<p>I initially selected the header card for my boss, since his attitude at work recently has reminded me of little else, what with the way the Knight of Wands rushes into battle, usually without any sort of plan. Recently, my boss has been fixing things 'shotgun style' at work, just replacing parts and hoping they're the right ones, and that replacing them will fix the issue. I chose my own header card in much the same way, with the Knight of Cups' more reticent nature, particularly as applied to how I feel about dealing with my boss. It wasn't until I got halfway through the spread that I noticed that they were elementally ill-disposed towards one another.</p>
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<p>Looking at my boss's header card, the first thing I notice in the picture itself is the flashiness of the uniform. My boss doesn't dress flashy, but he does act in such a way as to draw attention to himself, and I find this particularly apt. In my own card, I first noticed that the Knight doesn't look at anything other than the cup, keeping his fist wrapped tightly around his horse's reigns, even though it looks as if the horse would really rather like a drink of that stream in front of him. For myself, I see this as me focusing a little too hard on this issue, perhaps at the expense of those issues around me. The rest of the reading proceeded more as a dialog.</p>
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<p>I drew the first two cards at once and laid them beneath the two header cards: the Four of Pentacles and the King of Wands. The traditional meaning of the King was not, as I found, very applicable. Instead, the card, as being a vertical transmutation of my boss's Knight, very plainly spoke of my desires for my boss to grow up. His homophobic jokes are so...high-school. Not only am I in college, but he is nearing thirty, and it's well past time for him to get on with work and out of this party stage. His card, on the other hand, spoke of defenses. The miser in the Four of Pentacles protects his heart and mind with defensive layers, and even his feet are covered to, perhaps inadvertently, block that symbolic connection with the earth and thus everyone else. This card responded to the King by saying, "I use that humor to cover up and hide problems deeper than this."</p>
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<p>The second two cards were drawn. My Four of Swords suggests relaxation, retreating from the while, taking things in stock. I believe that this is me telling my boss to relax, calm down, maybe step back and take in the world from a different point of view rather than rushing forward. Perhaps then he would be easier to reason with, rather than attempting to talk with that joker of a mask he wears. In response, his Five of Wands suggested that there is no real reason to do such a thing. "Life is just a game," it said. "So long as we follow the rules and do our jobs, it doesn't matter."</p>
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<p>My exasperation was brought forth in the the next two cards, both Major Arcana. Death, for my card, begged for change and transition. "The game needs to change --- you need to change --- so that we can both do our jobs more effectively" My boss's card, the Devil, shrugs that off with comfort and complacency. "This may not be my true self, and may just be a mask, but there's no reason to change; you know and I know that neither of us are too enthused about our jobs and they're hardly challenging either of us. Office humor helps keep things sane for both of us, and you know that."</p>
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<p>At this point in the reading, I felt like I had a better grasp on the situation. I know my boss really is just joking: whether he is homophobic or not doesn't enter into it much at all, I think --- this is just a way to keep himself sane at work. However, it is affecting the way I feel about my job and the way I perform at work, to a small extent. Rather than joining in conversations at work as I used to, I'm more inclined to just sit and listen, unwilling to participate in the things I disagree with.</p>
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<p>The social activist Unitarian in me would like to tell my boss how inappropriate that is in any setting; while I'm hardly 'tough', there are those that aren't as thick-skinned as I am when it comes to this sort of thing, and he should avoid being hurtful towards anyone. Still, I'm wary of opening up in this situation lest it make things strained between my boss and myself, or, worse, that he'll get in trouble with someone higher up than him --- as I mentioned before, he really turned the workplace around, productivity-wise. Curious and willing to try, I drew two more cards with the intent of seeing how this dynamic may extend into the future.</p>
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<p>The Eight of Swords shows a woman actively oppressed, bound and blindfolded and surrounded by swords. However, her oppressors are nowhere in sight and the swords only block her on one side. This is an oppression that she has come to expect, whether out of cynicism or weakness. If I were to accept my oppression like this card suggests being under my heading, then my boss's card, the Six of Swords, may be in his future: Victory. The man rides crowned on his horse, riding in a victory parade, completely unharmed. He has done nothing and he has won and I have lost, dignity trampled.</p>
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<p>Frustrated, I drew one final card, just to look for something more optimistic. The Ace of Wands is just what I needed. The embodiment of the energy of the Wands, happiness and joy as a gift from that inner strength I know we all have. I know what I have to do.</p>
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<p>I will have to confront my boss on this matter soon.</p>
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</article>
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<p>Page generated on 2020-04-23</p>
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<title>Zk | August 18, 2008</title>
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<h1>Zk | August 18, 2008</h1>
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</header>
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<article class="content">
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<h2 id="the-background">The Background</h2>
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<p>I feel oddly blank. Distressingly so.</p>
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<h2 id="the-drawing">The Drawing</h2>
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<p>Exploring the void with the Universal Waite[@tarotRWS].</p>
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<ol>
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<li>Four of Pentacles.</li>
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<li>Death</li>
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<li>Seven of Pentacles</li>
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<li>Eight of Pentacles</li>
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<li>Judgement</li>
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<li>Two of Pentacles</li>
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<li>The High Priestess</li>
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<li>The Star</li>
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<li>Nine of Pentacles</li>
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<li>Eight of Swords</li>
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</ol>
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<p><em>[No Image]</em></p>
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<h2 id="the-reading">The Reading</h2>
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<p>I'm unhappy about feeling as blank as I am. I drew cards aimlessly and interpretted them as they came, letting the meanings come rather than resorting to a book or even caring about what I consciously knew about the cards. No reversals or anything were used. Just one card at a time.</p>
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<h2 id="the-first-card">The First Card</h2>
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<p>The Four of Pentacles strikes me as a smug card. I know that it should be seen as smug on the outside and hurt on the inside, but sometimes, it's so hard to get past the little twist of the man's eyebrows, that little bit of contentment. Or the way he holds the Pentacle on his lap, deliberately casual, with his chin resting on his hand and the other arm in his lap, as if he wants you to notice it. A man hiding behind his money.</p>
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<h2 id="the-second-card">The Second Card</h2>
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<p>Death, more than any other card, reminds me of the passage of time. Nothing can stop that horse. The king couldn't stop it, nor will the cleric, the woman, nor the child. The sun still shines, the river still flows with the boat on it. Death is inevitability.</p>
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<h2 id="the-third-card">The Third Card</h2>
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<p>The Seven of Pentacles is a card of hard-earned rewards, but now I'm noticing the slightly unhappy cast to the farmer's face, as if it wasn't quite as much as he was expecting this year, or if the rewards aren't quite up to his high standards. It is working towards perfection but never quite getting there - doing great things but driving yourself always harder.</p>
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<h2 id="the-fourth-card">The Fourth Card</h2>
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<p>In the Eight of Pentacles, I see a person doing what they love, having retreated from society or societal norms to do so. It is caring more about your art than those who might appreciate it, and doing so because it is your job, as ordained by the person you are, rather than any authority. Some people work at what they do because that is what they must do.</p>
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<h2 id="the-fifth-card">The Fifth Card</h2>
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<p>Judgement shows all those nameless, faceless people who follow an idea. They are sheep, and happier for it. It is hard to see this card as bad, though, as one should never underestimate the power of people in groups following an idea. Still, it makes me feel like an outsider.</p>
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<h2 id="the-sixth-card">The Sixth Card</h2>
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<p>The Two of Pentacles seems almost to be a hallucination at this point. It is the view of work being done by an outsider who doesn't know what is going on. It is a verb, describing the action of an act so esoteric it seems to be magic. Even the ships seem perplexed.</p>
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<h2 id="the-seventh-card">The Seventh Card</h2>
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<p>The High Priestess is guarding something, but you'll never get to know what. Her face is so composed, so blank and she's so still that not even her expression or body language can give away the landscape behind her, however breathtaking it might be. She still holds the law in her hand, so I'm afraid to ask sometimes.</p>
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<h2 id="the-eighth-card">The Eighth Card</h2>
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<p>The Star works behind the scenes doing what must be done, even when things fall apart. It is the inner workings of the emotional mind that keeps me going even when I'm crashing. She is the inner alchemist that churns and toils to keep the juices flowing, as it were, to keep the bellows moving and the fire stoked in my mind and heart.</p>
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<h2 id="the-ninth-card">The Ninth Card</h2>
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<p>The Nine of Pentacles is distraction. Someone did the work and it's there to appreciate, but only in a vague sense of the word, strolling through the gardens and taking it in, while really you're thinking about who did what with whom last week, or something to appreciate in a picture in the office. And the bird who may recognize any sort of beauty has a hood on, kept from seeing what's really around for the whims of another.</p>
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<h2 id="the-tenth-card">The Tenth Card</h2>
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<p>The Eight of Swords is martyrdom, being bound to the stake of sorts. It is willingly giving yourself up to those hostile forces around you. Or, and I hate to think about it, it is being too weak and caving in to those whims. Doing what you're told because you haven't the strength to do what you must.</p>
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<h2 id="analysis-after-the-fact">Analysis - after the fact</h2>
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<p>I had to wait until the next day to finish analyzing the cards --- usually, I outline everything and take a day or two to add in the details --- as soon as I drew the last card, the blankness of emotion, of intellect, and of Self drove me to bed, leaving me to be enveloped somewhere more comfortable than in front of my computer. As I'm feeling much different today, I shall try to finish this chapter. My aim is to recall last night as best as I can and provide an interpretation based on what I wrote, and then go back through the cards and provide a new interpretation using more traditional definitions.</p>
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<p>The ten cards I drew and interpretted briefly last night outline a path. Briefly, smug and content in my comfortable new major with my knowledge and ease of composing, shown in the first card, changes little in the second card. No one cares at work, my music still isn't getting performed, and I feel no closer to graduating. The third card is partly my realization of this and partly that part of me that wishes to excel, needing to work harder; and the fourth card shows me about where I am now: feeling the need to retreat a little in order to do what I like doing, since it sometimes feels as if I've chosen a major that no one sees the use of, least of all my parents.</p>
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<p>The next several cards seem much more speculative. Begining with the Fifth card, the music world of today, particularly in education and popular circles is shown as sheep following a leader, some composer (the sixth card) working their magic and becoming successful by writing the music that sells with good marketing rather than good musicianship. The seventh and eighth cards are likely what I would do when confronted with such an individual. While I work my own 'magic' with my music, I seem more to be incomprehensible, but, running my own publishing business, I hold the law in my hands. The eight card shows, in particular, my realiziation of this, of trying to keep alive a portion of my art that no longer serves the function of art, without an audience.</p>
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<p>The ninth card shows more of the world around me, of music and art in general falling by the wayside, as it has in the past few years, to background noise. Music that one hears in restaurants and on the radio just because it's there, not for the purposes of enjoyment or enlightenment. The tenth card is my big "I told you so" moment to the world. I left the education system to get away from the way this country seems to embrace that background-noise ideal. I tried to change that with my publishing company and all I did was cause trouble. Take that. Or else the second meaning comes into play and I wind up hurting for money, writing that very music that I despise so much.</p>
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<p>Reading strictly from the rather stupid subconscious seemed to be easier when pulling definitions, but stringing together the meanings into a coherent analysis was certainly much more difficult. When I apply the conscious intellect inherent in analysis of the cards, though, the meaning becomes much more evident and easier to string together into a time-line without having to stretch so much. This proves my earlier thoughts, that tarot requires all levels of consciousness in order to be used successfully. As such, many of the meanings I pulled from inside are still accurate in a way: the overall premise of the storyline changes, but the problem remains the same, as that of the weakening world of art.</p>
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<p>Whereas I mentioned I was smug and content in my musicianship, a more traditional standpoint shows less about the musicianship than about the musician. I'm creating structure in this world through my art, but also using it to turn inwards and as a protective shell for myself, in the first card. The second card traditionally means changed, and I chose the meaning of inevitability. The two go hand in hand, and perhaps this is a signal of change to come, what with my growing business. Perhaps my structures should be more productive than they are now. The original meaning of the third card is indeed a much happier one than I've chosen, but along the same lines of completion. I think that mine still applies, however, the constant need to excel is not a bad need to have --- the work is not yet done, and this is shown in the next card. The work is never done.</p>
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<p>Here the reading diverges much more from what I saw in the subconscious drawings. The fifth card shows a call to change from within (or, rather, a call to recognize what change has already happened), and the sixth card represents the balancing act that is life in general. Rather than the outside perspective I saw before, these two cards indicate a rebalancing of my life. While composition will still be very important to me, I think I need to realize that I've found my calling in life more in the publishing of great new works of music.</p>
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<p>The High Priestess represents passivity, possibly in excess. I do still believe that music and art are not currently being herded to a very constructive destination by both artists and policy makers in this country, but I think that now is a good time to work against that with my own music and my company to help get the music of others out there in the open. If I hesitate too long, my work will be ineffectual against this slow drift into mediocrity. The Star as the eigth card, however, does caution a pause to build my resources, to grow into this position without rushing headlong into it. The Star and The Tower often suggest each other, and I see The Tower looming on either side of this card: either from rushing the process or waiting too long, I'm liable to destroy myself.</p>
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<p>The final two cards show offer a bit of advice about the way things are running. First of all, the Nine of Pentacles as the ninth card suggests the recognition of rewards. This has multiple meanings in context --- I must recongize the greatness of the composers who ask to publish through my company, I must recognize the need for my company, and I must recognize the importance of my customers, for they are literally my financial reward. However, I must be careful of oppression, as shown by the final card. I should avoid blindfolding myself and oppressing myself by painting myself into a corner, as it were, and I must also avoid adding that blindfold to others, both composers and customers. Those other styles of music do have a place in our world, and I've been good so far about sending artists interested in that to other venues more willing to publish their works, but I will need to keep up with that so that I don't discourage them. I will also need to keep an open mind about what I will be able to publish, lest I deprive the world of that music, or the composers of their recognition.</p>
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<p>These two readings were particularly helpful to me. I learned the place of each of the levels of consciousness in the Tarot workspace, as well as my limitations in reading from the spot. I hope that my skills as a reader will improve through this experiment, and I also hope that what I learn from my readings will remain applicable in my business throughout my life, as this reading seems to have proved to me just how important this idea is. As a pertinent final note, my card for the day was the Seven of Swords, cautioning leaping into things without a plan. This applies to both the business as discussed above, but also my method of reading. I did enjoy the looseness without a spread, but I should plan to work harder on reading on all levels.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2020-04-23</p>
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