update from sparkleup
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<p>“If you’d asked me that a few days ago, I would have said yes, but now that I’m here and struggling to hold it together, I’m not so sure. I think I was just pushing it down without…I don’t know, redirecting it or dealing with it.”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “Alright. I want to come back to that, but I interrupted your overview. Can you tell me what else happened?”</p>
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<p>“Right. So, through some strange turn of events, both True Name and May wound up overflowing at the same time. True Name is staying at another private sim we know and May’s at home while I’m here. All of this hit a few days back when May and True Name had a conversation that left both of them drained, and then True Name had to deal with a merge large enough that she collapsed.”</p>
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<p>“Not May Then My Name…” Sarah murmured, frowning.</p>
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<p>“Not May Then My Name…” Sarah hazarded, frowning.</p>
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<p>“No. Another cocladist, though.”</p>
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<p>Ey saw comprehension dawn in her features, and that frown only deepened. She gestured for em to continue.</p>
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<p>“But…well. So there’s two things that I think fall out of this that I’d get the most out of talking about. The first is that I’m having a lot of complicated feelings surrounding True Name throughout this, and the second is that May did mention that she’d been considering merging down with her until the previous merge went so sideways.”</p>
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<p>“Do you think she’s envious of that?”</p>
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<p>Ey frowned and scuffed a heel through the grass. “I don’t know, honestly. Again, if you’d asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said probably not, that she’s got her own things that make her happy which don’t involve putting on plays or poking fun at each other. Now, though I’m not so sure. This whole thing about the merge adds another layer onto that, because suddenly, True Name would have all of those memories.”</p>
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<p>“Does it bother you that she would have the memories, or are you worried about her having those emotions? Do you worry she’d start feeling about you the way that May Then My Name does?”</p>
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<p>“Well, shit.” Ey groaned. “I didn’t even think about that. Like, we’ve talked about what her having memories of loving me would mean, but always past-tense. I didn’t think about if she herself — she as True Name I mean — would pick up on exactly how May felt about me as well. I have no clue. Maybe on some level I do worry, though. I like the way May feels about me. We’ve talked about jealousy a few times, and it often comes up that she feels devotion towards me. I’m really not sure how I’d feel having that come from another, never mind one that I have as complicated a relationship with as I do with True Name.”</p>
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<p>“Well, shit.” Ey groaned. “I didn’t even think about that. Like, we’ve talked about what her having memories of loving me would mean, but always past-tense. I didn’t think about if she herself — she as True Name I mean — would pick up on exactly how May felt about me as well. I have no clue. Maybe on some level I do worry, though. I like the way May feels about me. We’ve talked about jealousy a few times, and it often comes up that she feels devoted to me. I’m really not sure how I’d feel having that come from another, never mind one that I have as complicated a relationship with as I do with True Name.”</p>
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<p>“Does this tie in with the complicated feelings you mentioned, then?”</p>
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<p>Ey bought emself some time to think about an answer by bending down to pluck a dandelion, twirling it between eir fingers. “I guess I have to share one detail, which is that there was an attempt on her life back on Secession day.”</p>
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<p>Sarah blinked and stopped up short. “One moment,” she said, then closed her eyes, her lips moving faintly in a non-vocalized sensorium message. Ey politely turned away. Finally, she caught eir attention once more. “I checked in with the instance that’s been meeting with True Name and she said that she received a message from her back on Secession day that sounded really panicked.”</p>
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<p>“I don’t know if it’s changed things, necessarily, so much as made me more cognizant of how I felt about her before. I think I mentioned around the time that it came up that we had a conversation about how she said that it was nice to just have a friend, and how I translated that as a friendly acquaintance that wasn’t just another politician.”</p>
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<p>“And I called you out on the fact that you later said you thought of her more like a friendly coworker than anything.”</p>
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<p>Ey laughed. “Right. Well, with all that’s gone down, with how it felt to see her in danger and then to see her struggling with the ramifications of being cut off and the effects of the merge, I think I’m a lot more comfortable just calling her a friend. I don’t think I’d feel like this if she were a ‘friendly coworker’.”</p>
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<p>“You have a far more complex relationship than what is implied by ‘coworker’. It could just be a language thing, that ‘friend’ implies a greater level of shared happiness than you have, but, confronted by how much you care about her in the context of what happened, you’re bumping up against the broader definition of friend of someone you <em>can</em> feel that much care for.”</p>
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<p>“You have a far more complex relationship than what is implied by ‘friend’. It could just be a language thing, that that word implies a greater level of shared happiness than you have, but, confronted by how much you care about her in the context of what happened, you’re bumping up against the broader definition of friend of someone you <em>can</em> feel that much care for.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. They fell into silence as they walked while Ioan took the time to process.</p>
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<p>It certainly tallied, too. Even though May’s overflowing had overshadowed it — reasonably so, given the importance of their relationship — ey’d been hit hard by True Name overflowing, as well. Seeing her struggling, upset and overwhelmed, having to claim that same solitude that End Waking did, touched on that care. The need to fix things was a symptom of that confusing sense of care, ey suspected, rather than just something isolated.</p>
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<p>“I don’t know if you were necessarily talking to me, but just in case you were, I’d agree with your assessment.”</p>
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<p>Ey jumped at the sudden realization that ey’d said at least part of that out loud, then laughed. “Sorry, I was mumbling, wasn’t I? I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I was trying to keep that dialogue internal, but I appreciate the confirmation.”</p>
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<p>She smiled. “I suspected so. I’m used to it, now. So, before I continue, are you looking to work on disentangling this, some ideas for where to go next, or just talking?”</p>
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<p>“I wouldn’t turn down an idea or two, but I’ve already gotten a lot out of having the chance to talk through the emotional side. There are a few others in the loop that I’ve been able to talk with, but that’s all been about logistics, or about May and True Name rather than myself.” Ey sighed, adding, “I was a mess when I first got here. Doesn’t feel great to say, but I spent so much energy on them I kind of forgot to take care of myself.”</p>
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<p>“That it doesn’t feel great to say is a sign that you care deeply, so it’s not a bad thing, but you do need to take care of yourself, yes.” She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Alright. I know you said they’re both currently overflowing, but what do you think about talking with each of them about how you’re feeling about this?”</p>
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<p>“That it doesn’t feel great to say is a sign that you care deeply enough to not want to detract from that energy, so it’s not a bad thing, but you do need to take care of yourself, yes.” She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Alright. I know you said they’re both currently overflowing, but what do you think about talking with each of them about how you’re feeling about this?”</p>
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<p>“Uh, well, I mean” ey stammered. “I guess I should, yeah.”</p>
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<p>“‘Should’?”</p>
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<p>“Right. Should statement. I’d like to, but they both feel kind of fraught. Talking with May about being friends with True Name has come up before but feels fraught with how they feel about each other, or at least felt about each other. Hell, I don’t know how I’d tell True NameI care about her, either. And I don’t particularly want to be the one to broach May merging down with True Name, either. That feels like a conversation they should start as cocladists.”</p>
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<p>“I’ll certainly try.”</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-08-13</p>
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</footer>
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</main>
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<p>May arrived without any warning. She would usually ping either em or Douglas, giving them a few minutes to get out into the field and prepare for a pouncing.</p>
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<p>This time, however, Ioan awoke before dawn to a small, furry form crawling into bed with em, whispering for em to scoot over. Some sleepy part of em remembered that Douglas had locked down the ACLs to all unannounced visitors shortly after ey’d arrived with the news.</p>
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<p>All except May, apparently.</p>
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<p>Ey held up the covers for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn’t seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours.</p>
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<p>Ey shifted the pillow ey’d been hugging out of the way and held the covers up for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn’t seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours.</p>
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<p>With the sun warming the far wall of the room, they woke slowly, May squirming around enough to face em so that she could press her nose to eirs.</p>
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<p>“Good morning, my dear.”</p>
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<p>“Morning, May. Surprised to see you here.”</p>
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<p>Douglas’s face fell. “I never got to meet her, but from what everyone’s said, it sounds like the split was pretty evident.”</p>
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<p>“It was,” May said. “While I do not speak of her that way, Debarre is not wrong to do so.”</p>
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<p>“Why not?”</p>
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<p>The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. “Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of her that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once.”</p>
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<p>The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. “Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of herself that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once.”</p>
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<p>“I wonder what would happen if all of you were able to merge back down into one instance again,” he mused. “Would that get close to being her?”</p>
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<p>May fell silent, looking out the window at the fields over the rim of her mug.</p>
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<p>“I do not know,” she said eventually. Her voice sounded far away, older than Ioan had ever heard it sound before. “I wish I did, but I do not know.”</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-08-13</p>
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</footer>
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