update from sparkleup
This commit is contained in:
parent
e319ecda04
commit
0d54136680
|
|
@ -19,38 +19,44 @@
|
|||
</blockquote>
|
||||
<p>Ioan,</p>
|
||||
<p>I hope this letter finds you well. I have a question for you.</p>
|
||||
<p>I’d like to start with an apology for coming off as so emotional for the last one. As mentioned, I’ve been struggling with my emotions here on Artemis. While I’m far from the only fifthracer to be so afflicted, it doesn’t seem to be a pattern many are worried about. Probably 1-2% of us are affected, and not in such a way as to be debilitating. I know the Odists struggle with the occasional bout of depression, and this is certainly no more dramatic than that.</p>
|
||||
<p>The drama of such emotions aside, I don’t think that they are wholly disconnected from reality. Codrin <em>does</em> feel all of those things, and they <em>do</em> make me uncomfortable. However, my reaction to them is something I’ve been working on with Sarah.</p>
|
||||
<p>I’d like to start with an apology, though, for coming off as so emotional in the last one. As mentioned, I’ve been struggling with my keeping my emotions in check here on Artemis. While I’m far from the only fifthracer to be so afflicted, it doesn’t seem to be a pattern many are worried about. Probably 1-2% of us are affected, and not in such a way as to be debilitating. I know the Odists struggle with the occasional bout of depression, and this is certainly no more dramatic than that.</p>
|
||||
<p>The drama of such emotions aside, I also don’t think that they are wholly disconnected from reality. Codrin <em>does</em> feel all of those things, and they <em>do</em> make me uncomfortable. However, my reaction to them is something I’ve been working on with Sarah.</p>
|
||||
<p>On to my question, though.</p>
|
||||
<p>Years ago, back when I was newly in a relationship with Dear and █████, I remember thinking to myself that a lot of what I’d labeled boredom was likely loneliness. I’m not totally sure how much I agree with that assessment anymore. It’s not that I <em>wasn’t</em> lonely. I was! I…am? I was lonely, but part of me is wondering if the constant interaction that goes along with cohabitation means that more of my time was simply occupied by dealing with others. Dinner with others. Walking the prairie with others. Working with others. Chatting with others. There was always someone around, for Dear rarely left the home entirely. Its inability to stop working meant that there was usually still one of it left around scribbling away at its desk.</p>
|
||||
<p>Years ago, back when I was newly in a relationship with Dear and █████, I remember thinking to myself that a lot of what I’d labeled boredom was likely loneliness. I’m not totally sure how much I agree with that assessment anymore. It’s not that I <em>wasn’t</em> lonely. I was!<sup id="fnref:iam"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:iam">1</a></sup> I was lonely, but part of me is wondering if the constant interaction that goes along with cohabitation means that more of my time was simply occupied by dealing with others. Dinner with others. Walking the prairie with others. Working with others. Chatting with others. There was always someone around, for Dear rarely left the home entirely. Its inability to stop working meant that there was usually still one of it left around scribbling away at its desk.</p>
|
||||
<p>But all of it? Probably not. I was still bored on occasion, and even now I get bored. One of the things that I noticed even going back to convergence was just how quotidian everything was. Aliens, sure, but they’re also just people, such as it is, living their day-to-day lives. They eat, they sleep, they talk and argue and doubtless make love (I know the fourthracers do, but that’s a subject for a different letter).</p>
|
||||
<p>So now that we’re settling into our own quotidian lives aboard Artemis, we’re experiencing our boredom again. We’re eating, sleeping, talking, arguing, and, yes, making love.</p>
|
||||
<p>Is that what I’m missing?</p>
|
||||
<p>Am I missing the eating-sleeping-talking-arguing-sex that goes along with having a relationship? Is that something I should be seeking out? I don’t know. I’ve never really entered a relationship of my own volition, not entirely. Yes, deciding to date or whatever is a collaborative effort, but the Odists will ever be themselves, and even though its focus was never on the sorts of things that May Then My Name focused on, even it admitted that it, what was it…it “conducted a relentless campaign to wear down some of the emotional barriers that I’d put up.” █████ disagreed with the phrasing, saying that Dear couldn’t turn down a good quip to save its life. <em>“Slander,”</em> it called it.<sup id="fnref:bet"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:bet">1</a></sup></p>
|
||||
<p>Am I missing the eating-sleeping-talking-arguing-sex that goes along with having a relationship? Is that something I should be seeking out? I don’t know. I’ve never really entered a relationship of my own volition, not entirely. Yes, deciding to date or whatever is a collaborative effort, but the Odists will ever be themselves, and even though its focus was never on the sorts of things that May Then My Name focused on, even it admitted that it, what was it…it “conducted a relentless campaign to wear down some of the emotional barriers that I’d put up.” █████ disagreed with the phrasing, saying that Dear couldn’t turn down a good quip to save its life. <em>“Slander,”</em> it called it.<sup id="fnref:bet"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:bet">2</a></sup></p>
|
||||
<p>I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on what you’ve told me of May Then My Name’s own manipulation.</p>
|
||||
<p>All this to say I’ve never done this before. I’ve never gone and sought out a relationship of my own. Do I date? Go to cafes and try to pick up a partner? Do I go to parties and drink with people until we wind up in bed?</p>
|
||||
<p>None of these sound like me, or like us. We’re not the type to go and actively seek out a relationship (or sex, for that matter — it was plenty good, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it). We’re the type to have a relationship fall into our laps and then think and think and think and maybe in the end go along with it. No bad thing, that.</p>
|
||||
<p>None of these sound like me, or like us. We’re not the type to go and actively seek out a relationship.<sup id="fnref:orsex"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:orsex">3</a></sup> We’re the type to have a relationship fall into our laps and then think and think and think and maybe in the end go along with it. It’s not a bad way of approaching it, all told.</p>
|
||||
<p>But is that something I want? Were a relationship to fall in my lap, would I go along with it? Is ‘picking up people in a cafe/at a party’ just setting up situations where such a thing might happen? I don’t know.</p>
|
||||
<p>More importantly, <em>should</em> I go along with it? Am I now so lonely that I need to seek out a relationship in order to feel whole again, or is that just me missing my exes?</p>
|
||||
<p>Maybe it’s worth a try. Nothing need be permanent — both of our partners made sure that was in the open. I can try, and if it doesn’t work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.<sup id="fnref:quit"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:quit">2</a></sup></p>
|
||||
<p>I’ve written fourteen question marks so far and not yet gotten to the question I wanted to ask. Should I seek out a new relationship before I reengage with my exes? I want to know if I should in general, of course, but in particular, I want to know your thoughts on trying to actively process these thoughts on what relationships mean to me before I go about processing what breakups mean.</p>
|
||||
<p>Maybe it’s worth a try. Nothing need be permanent — both of our partners made sure that was we understood that. I can try, and if it doesn’t work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.<sup id="fnref:quit"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:quit">4</a></sup></p>
|
||||
<p>I’ve written fourteen question marks so far and not yet gotten to the question I wanted to ask. Should I seek out a new relationship <em>before</em> I reengage with my exes? I want to know if I should in general, of course, but in particular, I want to know your thoughts on trying to actively process these thoughts on what relationships mean to me before I go about processing what breakups mean.</p>
|
||||
<p>I don’t know, I’m feeling my emotions get in the way of my words again. I really don’t mean to dump on you like this, but, as I said, your grounded, anchoring nature makes you an obvious source of comfort. Thank you for listening to me.</p>
|
||||
<p>All my love,</p>
|
||||
<p>Sorina Bălan</p>
|
||||
<div class="footnote">
|
||||
<hr />
|
||||
<ol>
|
||||
<li id="fn:iam">
|
||||
<p>I…am? <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:iam" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||
</li>
|
||||
<li id="fn:bet">
|
||||
<p>They bet on my reaction; did I ever tell you that? They planned out this whole conversation with me, with █████ on point while Dear acted as backup. Though they may accuse us of being nerds, they’re hardly innocent in this. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:bet" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||
<p>They bet on my reaction; did I ever tell you that? They planned out this whole conversation with me, with █████ on point while Dear acted as backup. Though they may accuse us of being nerds, they’re hardly innocent in this. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:bet" title="Jump back to footnote 2 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||
</li>
|
||||
<li id="fn:orsex">
|
||||
<p>Or sex, for that matter — it was plenty good, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:orsex" title="Jump back to footnote 3 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||
</li>
|
||||
<li id="fn:quit">
|
||||
<p>This has been greatly complicated by my inability to fork. Codrin and I rushed individuation so quickly and so effectively that, in a world where I cannot create a copy of myself that will live on, quitting becomes suicide in a very real way. I am the only Sorina, and to die would be to end anything resembling Sorina in the entire universe. That hasn’t been an issue for us since the 2230s! I know that you’ve been thinking about Rareș more of late, but even our death to him was not permanent. We disappeared, yes, other than those few notes back, but we were not dead. Death has taken on a new flavor for us, and I’m remembering the bitter tang of it from before we uploaded. I will need to put more thought into it. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:quit" title="Jump back to footnote 2 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||
<p>This has been greatly complicated by my inability to fork. Codrin and I rushed individuation so quickly and so effectively that, in a world where I cannot create a copy of myself that will live on, quitting becomes suicide in a very real way. I am the only Sorina, and to die would be to end anything resembling Sorina in the entire universe. That hasn’t been an issue for us since the 2230s! I know that you’ve been thinking about Rareș more of late, but even our death to him was not permanent. We disappeared, yes, other than those few notes back, but we were not dead. Death has taken on a new flavor for us, and now I’m remembering the bitter tang of it from before we uploaded. I will need to put more thought into it. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:quit" title="Jump back to footnote 4 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||
</li>
|
||||
</ol>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
</article>
|
||||
<footer>
|
||||
<p>Page generated on 2022-10-23</p>
|
||||
<p>Page generated on 2022-11-01</p>
|
||||
</footer>
|
||||
</main>
|
||||
<script type="text/javascript">
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
@ -23,18 +23,17 @@
|
|||
<p>Our lives are informed by fear, Ioan. I am afraid. <em>We</em> are afraid. We lived through a moment of such terror that whoever we were before is someone completely different. I…that is, that of True Name faces this fear through control, and thus so do my up-tree instances, in one way or another. Praiseworthy saw that fear and tried to reshape herself, to find a way to more perfectly move with the crowd so that it might slip past her, and now your cocladist’s partner shapes itself so easily that it has literally made it into an art. We lost our friend, and then we truly lost them, and now we live what lives we may afraid but coping.</p>
|
||||
</blockquote>
|
||||
<p>There is fear within us all. There can’t <em>but</em> be fear within us, and we have all of our own fears, don’t we? The loss of our family, the separation from Rareș, these things shape us into who we are, and how we interact with those that we love.</p>
|
||||
<p>Despite our experience with separation, though, you’re going through something truly unique for us. Of the three/four of us, none of us had ever been in a romantic relationship before, not our experiences with Dear, and so now we’re experiencing something new. Having never been in a relationship, we’ve perforce never experienced breaking up.</p>
|
||||
<p>That thought terrifies me.</p>
|
||||
<p>Despite our experience with separation, though, you’re going through something truly unique for us. Of the three/four of us, none of us had ever been in a romantic relationship before our experiences with Dear, and so now we’re experiencing something new. Having never been in a relationship, we’ve perforce never experienced breaking up.</p>
|
||||
<p>And, like you, that thought terrifies me.</p>
|
||||
<p>I know I’ve spoken several times before about how much the idea of losing May (and, increasingly, Sasha) scares me. We’re creeping up on a century and a half old and I don’t think we’ve ever experienced more than a fleeting glimpse of suicidality here and there, but if there’s one thing that makes me fear for my own safety, it’s the thought of life without them.</p>
|
||||
<p>What you’re going through is <em>real</em>. It’s real pain, real emotion, and it’s really hard. I want to validate that. There is certainly little in the way of advice that I can offer, what with the transmission delay, but I can at least offer that. I hope that, when you get this more than two months after you wrote about your distress, that it can at least help that little bit.</p>
|
||||
<p>I talked with May about this briefly, and, as I expected it would, the conversation turned into her gently probing my feelings on the matter and where they came from. The bit that hit hardest (and left me a bit of a wreck) was when she asked if this was anything like being separated from Rareș.</p>
|
||||
<p>Is that the basis of this fear? Is the fact that we specifically left him behind with Aunt Rahela in full knowledge that we’d most assuredly never see him ever again the reason we feel the way we do about the ones we love now? I don’t know. I never looked him up. Not before we forked, and not since. I don’t know where he is, don’t know if he uploaded or died back on Earth, and I’m too afraid of that knowledge to even try.</p>
|
||||
<p>What I do know is that, even if this is testing those limits once again, we’re older (<em>much</em> older) now and we’re in a place where we have those around us who we can lean on. When I uploaded, I was just a stupid twenty year old with nothing to show for his life (remember when we used those pronouns? So much has changed…) except a desperate need to at least do one thing right. There was no one here I knew. The only thing I could do was write a note or two back to phys-side and then just bury myself in school and books to try and move on.</p>
|
||||
<p>What I do know is that, even if this is testing those limits once again, we’re older — <em>much</em> older — now and we’re in a place where we have those around us who we can lean on. When I uploaded, I was just a stupid twenty year old with nothing to show for his life<sup id="fnref:pronouns"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:pronouns">1</a></sup> except a desperate need to at least do one thing right. There was no one here I knew. The only thing I could do was write a note or two back to phys-side and then just bury myself in school and books to try and move on.</p>
|
||||
<p>Now, though, you have Dear. You have Serene. You have countless friends, all of whom can be there for you, and even though any reply is two months away, I’m here for you too, as are May and Sasha and, I guess, sometimes Aurel.</p>
|
||||
<p>Sending all our love to you and yours.</p>
|
||||
<p>Ioan</p>
|
||||
<p>PS — As a final note, True Name#Castor sent a short letter directly to Aurel on learning of em and the reasons for eir existence. Since Sasha went on sabbatical again, Aurel merged down after a week out on eir own just writing and experiencing solitude, and so now I have this note as well. There were no instructions on whether or not I should pass it on or share it, and I probably wouldn’t even think to pass it on if it weren’t for the ways in which the Ode clade is changing across all three Systems. I’m surprised at how quickly everything seems to be changing after so long of relative stasis, but I guess that’s what happens when you get aliens and an assassination attempt.</p>
|
||||
<p>Some of the letter contained some eyes-only stuff for each of us (which Aurel found a bit confusing, but it was pertinent) which I’ve trimmed, but here is the rest:</p>
|
||||
<p>As a final note, True Name#Castor sent a short letter directly to Aurel on learning of em and the reasons for eir existence. Since Sasha went on sabbatical again, Aurel merged down after a week out on eir own just writing and experiencing solitude, and so now I have this note as well. There were no instructions on whether or not I should pass it on or share it, and I probably wouldn’t even think to pass it on if it weren’t for the ways in which the Ode clade is changing across all three Systems. I’m surprised at how quickly all of this change is happening after so long of relative stasis, but I guess that’s what happens when you get aliens and an assassination attempt.</p>
|
||||
<p>Some of the letter contained some eyes-only stuff for each of us which I’ve trimmed, but here is the rest:</p>
|
||||
<blockquote>
|
||||
<p>Sasha,</p>
|
||||
<p>Despite the tone of my previous note, I am not unhappy for you. The ways in which you and I have changed and been changed by the events around us perhaps gives me room to understand a little better, though to move beyond the Ode as completely as you have takes more courage than I possess.</p>
|
||||
|
|
@ -43,10 +42,19 @@
|
|||
<p>Wishing you the best,</p>
|
||||
<p>True Name#Castor</p>
|
||||
</blockquote>
|
||||
<p>Perhaps most interestingly, the note specifically contained a visibility exemption for True Name#Pollux, despite being eyes-only for Aurel and Sasha. May was quick to point out that, as far as we know, it wasn’t sent to Pollux at all. Surely the two True Names aboard the LVs are in communication with each other and they’ve been sharing their own notes back and forth. This exemption, then, becomes a part of the text. I suppose I have to amend my previous statement as Aurel regarding the level of coordination between the two instances. There is something going on here, some difference between the two LVs that True Name#Castor is hinting at…</p>
|
||||
<p>Perhaps most interestingly, the note specifically contained a visibility exemption for True Name#Pollux, despite being eyes-only for Aurel and Sasha. May was quick to point out that, as far as we know, it wasn’t sent to Pollux at all. Surely the two True Names aboard the LVs are in communication with each other and they’ve been sharing their own notes back and forth. This exemption, then, becomes a part of the text. I suppose I have to amend my previous statement as Aurel regarding the level of coordination between the two instances. There is something going on here, some difference between the two LVs that True Name#Castor is hinting at.</p>
|
||||
<p>Ioan</p>
|
||||
<div class="footnote">
|
||||
<hr />
|
||||
<ol>
|
||||
<li id="fn:pronouns">
|
||||
<p>Remember when we used those pronouns? So much has changed… <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:pronouns" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||
</li>
|
||||
</ol>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
</article>
|
||||
<footer>
|
||||
<p>Page generated on 2022-10-31</p>
|
||||
<p>Page generated on 2022-11-01</p>
|
||||
</footer>
|
||||
</main>
|
||||
<script type="text/javascript">
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
Loading…
Reference in New Issue