update from sparkleup

writing/3/terrifying/blind-strife.html

@@ -55,12 +55,20 @@
 <p>It sent me into my five thousand word tailspin where I asked dozens and dozens of questions of my ally, of myself, as I tried to nail down the panic that came with being confronted by this idea of plurality. There was this anxiety of definition — was this me? Was this who I was? — right alongside the anxiety of identification: if this is me, what does that mean for my life?</p>
 <p>I never did figure that out in that section of <em>ally</em>. I very carefully, very <em>intentionally</em> did not. &ldquo;It is all well and good that this is a question worth considering, and I&rsquo;m happy enough to acknowledge it here like this, in a roundabout way. I think I need to, to some extent. I need to have it in words between us. But any further investigations would, I think, do a disservice to the project at hand and the roles we play, willing or not, in the endeavor,&rdquo; I wrote. &ldquo;Hell, as it is, I&rsquo;m torn as to whether or not I should have brought it up in the first place.&rdquo;</p>
 <p>So kind to my reader. So kind to my friends.</p>
-<p>((Supporting identities))</p>
+<p>I do not particularly regret this decision. <em>ally</em> is a project. It is a work of art to be read. It is a constructed thing that must take into account the ways in which others will engage with it. That very nature means that there is thought put into the ways in which it will shape those who do wind up engaging with it — &ldquo;oh god i changed it by observing it :P&rdquo; Rax said in a message after reading my plurality tailspin — so it would make sense that I would keep my reader, my friends in mind.</p>
+<p>What I am cognizant of is how this has become a habit. Yes, some of that is just part of human communication. Yes, some of that is simply being a kind person. Yes, so much of this anxious spiraling is just that: anxiety.</p>
+<p>Perhaps I am just afraid.</p>
+<p>Afraid! If it is a part of my identity, why should I be afraid? Isn&rsquo;t that the whole point behind Pride? Isn&rsquo;t that part of my whole schtick as the visibly and effortlessly trans girl who prides herself on being such, who aims to be a sort of trans psychopomp?</p>
+<p>Perhaps that, too, is a trans thing, though. We come out, we transition, we live in this ridiculous world, and the whole time, our goal is to tamp down our identity. Even from within the community, even from the most proud, the goal is to tamp down this part of ourselves. Yes, praise the validity, but do so by passing ever better. Praise most of all the stealth, for they have tamped down their identity with makeup and binders. Praise most of all the successful men and women who slip effortlessly through the world around them, for they have integrated.</p>
+<p>Surely there is something similar for plurality. I imagine, given its associations with psychology, this most often is brought up in terms of functionality. After all, if it is touched by those who touch other neurodivergencies, then surely it must be the same.</p>
+<p>There, see? The successful trans girl with ADHD: she took her meds and did her voice training and now she does a capitalism well.</p>
+<p>What&rsquo;s the analogous form of success fur a plural person? I am told that for a long time, it was becoming singular. More recently, I have heard that it is the ability to ensure that all of the personalities within one remain in consonance, that it remains egosyntonic, in harmony with the concept of self.
+((Supporting identities))</p>
 <p>((The trans urge to tamp down one&rsquo;s own identity))</p>
 <p>((Struggling against expectations versus desires esp re: feeling like I deserve to take up space))</p>
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-                <p>Page generated on 2023-09-15</p>
+                <p>Page generated on 2023-09-22</p>
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