update from sparkleup
This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
parent
9f4dde3031
commit
15bead3d8e
|
|
@ -12,37 +12,37 @@
|
||||||
<h1>Zk | 01-agenda</h1>
|
<h1>Zk | 01-agenda</h1>
|
||||||
</header>
|
</header>
|
||||||
<article class="content">
|
<article class="content">
|
||||||
<p>I wrap emotions in the cool embrace of jargon to soften sharp edges and take the sting out of ones I feel too keenly. It’s why I got into this field. It’s why I studied what I did. Of course I care for my patients, and of course I love what I do, but my reason for being here, for being a psychologist, is a simple insatiable need to explain away my emotions.</p>
|
<p>I wrap emotions in the cool embrace of jargon to soften sharp edges and take the sting out of ones I feel too keenly. It’s why I got into this field. It’s why I studied what I did. Of course I care for my clients, and of course I love what I do, but my reason for being here, for being a psychologist, is a simple insatiable need to explain away my emotions.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I’ve talked about it with my therapist at length<sup id="fnref:therapist"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:therapist">1</a></sup>. We talk about my need to hide behind words as a way of reducing my vulnerability. They become armor, when taken in this sense.</p>
|
<p>I’ve talked about it with my therapist at length<sup id="fnref:therapist"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:therapist">1</a></sup>. We talk about my need to hide behind words as a way of reducing my vulnerability. They become armor, cover, camouflage when taken in this sense.</p>
|
||||||
<p>There’s a tension, then, between these two explanations: to put it the way I did at the beginning is to allow words to be a useful tool to define the edges of my emotions and perhaps make them easier to digest and understand in the process.</p>
|
<p>There’s a tension, then, between these two explanations: to put it the way I did at the beginning is to allow words to be a useful tool to define the edges of my emotions and perhaps make them easier to digest and understand in the process.</p>
|
||||||
<p>To hear Jeremy’s suggestion, though, my words are a means by which I might reduce my responsibility to actually feel the emotions I try to define.</p>
|
<p>To hear Jeremy’s suggestion, though, my words are a means by which I might reduce my responsibility to actually feel the emotions I strive to define.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Thus me, sitting here on my lunch break, writing journal entries on the steno pad I use in sessions.</p>
|
<p>Thus me, sitting here on my lunch break, writing a journal on the steno pad I use in sessions.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Despite the utility I know there to be within the act of journaling, something which I’ve recommended to countless patients of mine, it’s never quite something that I’ve picked up for myself. I always felt like maybe I was supposed to do something <em>more</em> than just write about what I had done during the day, so I’d go off onto long philosophical tangents like this, and then I’d start to feel guilty for not writing about what I’d done during the day. No matter what, it felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was incorrectly doing the thing I knew how to describe to those who looked to me for instruction.</p>
|
<p>Despite the utility I know there to be within the act of journaling, something which I’ve recommended to countless patients of mine, it’s never quite something that I’ve picked up for myself. I always felt like maybe I was supposed to do something <em>more</em> than just write about what I had done during the day, so I’d go off onto long philosophical tangents like this, and then I’d start to feel guilty for not writing about what I’d done during the day. No matter what, it felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was incorrectly doing the thing I knew how to describe to those who looked to me for instruction.</p>
|
||||||
<p>When I’d brought this fact up to Jeremy, he laughed and called me a “fucking nerd” and then talked me through what we thought my goals should be:</p>
|
<p>When I’d brought this fact up to Jeremy, he laughed and called me a “fucking nerd”<sup id="fnref:fuckingnerd"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:fuckingnerd">2</a></sup> and then talked me through what we thought my goals should be:</p>
|
||||||
<ul>
|
<ul>
|
||||||
<li>I should write about the feelings that I have during the day until I’ve finished a complete thought about them, and then stop.</li>
|
<li>I should write about the feelings that I have during the day until I’ve finished a complete thought about them, and then stop.</li>
|
||||||
<li>If an event comes up, I should feel free to record it, but not feel obligated to.</li>
|
<li>If an event comes up, I should feel free to record it, but not feel obligated to.</li>
|
||||||
</ul>
|
</ul>
|
||||||
<p>It sounds almost simplistic, but I get what he’s doing. He’s giving me permission to write about feelings instead of actions, to not feel bad about, as he put it, “leaning on [my] upbringing and the way [I] think in complete sentences and five paragraph essays”. Of course, along with that, he wants me to actually feel things and process them rather than just wrap them up with a label and set them on a shelf. Use the things that are my strong suits to bolster the things that I’m weak at.</p>
|
<p>It sounds almost simplistic, but I get what he’s doing. He’s giving me permission to write about feelings instead of actions, to not feel bad about, as he put it, “leaning on [my] upbringing and the way [I] think in complete sentences and five paragraph essays”. Of course, along with that, he wants me to actually feel things and process them rather than just wrap them up with a label and set them on a shelf. Use my strengths to shore up my weaknesses.</p>
|
||||||
<p>So, what am I weak at?</p>
|
<p>So, what am I weak at?</p>
|
||||||
<p>I think I’m weak at processing my emotions in a way that feels like growth. I wrap them up in words and I try to talk my way through processing them, but it’s a performative sort of vulnerability that doesn’t lead to any growth. As a result, I wind up in one of two situations:</p>
|
<p>I think I’m weak at processing my emotions in a way that feels like growth. I wrap them up in words and I try to talk my way through processing them, but it’s a performative sort of vulnerability that doesn’t lead to any growth. As a result, I wind up in one of two situations:</p>
|
||||||
<ul>
|
<ul>
|
||||||
<li>I feel the same things over and over again with no change in how I process them; or</li>
|
<li>I feel the same things over and over again with no change in how I process them; or</li>
|
||||||
<li>I feel new things that I’ve never felt before, and rather than try to understand them, I shove them off to the side.</li>
|
<li>I feel new things that I’ve never felt before, and rather than try to understand them, I shove them off to the side as unexplainable.</li>
|
||||||
</ul>
|
</ul>
|
||||||
<p>The latter is something that I’ve been making some progress at recently, as I learn to improve my emotional literacy, but the former is a habit that I need to break.</p>
|
<p>The latter is something that I’ve been making some progress at recently, as I learn to improve my emotional literacy, but the former is a habit that I need to break.</p>
|
||||||
<p>To go along with this task, then, what are my strengths?</p>
|
<p>To go along with this task, then, what are my strengths?</p>
|
||||||
<p>I think that Jeremy pinned them down quite neatly. I think that my upbringing, strict as it was, instilled in me a sense of duty - first to my parents, then to my school, then to God and my time in seminary, and now to my patients. Also, he is not wrong in joking about thinking in essays; being so bound up in language is a net positive in that it allows me to take what patients tell me and turn it into something actionable for them, just as it previously allowed me to take the scripture that I read and turn it around through hermeneutics and truly understand it in a way that simply living as a believer would not.</p>
|
<p>I would say that Jeremy pinned them down quite neatly. I think that my upbringing, strict as it was, instilled in me a sense of duty — first to my parents, then to my school, then to God and my time in seminary, and now to my patients. Also, he is not wrong in joking about thinking in essays; being so bound up in language is a net positive in that it allows me to take what clients tell me and turn it into something actionable for them, just as it previously allowed me to take the scripture that I read and turn it around through hermeneutics and truly understand it in a way that simply living as a believer would not.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Alright, so how can I build up the weaker portion of myself with my strengths?</p>
|
<p>Alright, so how can I build up the weaker portion of myself with my strengths?</p>
|
||||||
<p>I think that the best way to put the goal is to use my language skills to journal about emotions so that I have a record. If I could study scripture and study psychology, then surely I can study my own notes and from there, learn and grow to handle my emotions in a more deliberate and constructive fashion, right? Basically, write what I feel and how I react so that next time I can react better.</p>
|
<p>I think that the best way to put the goal is to use my language skills to journal about emotions so that I have a record. If I could study scripture and study psychology, then surely I can study my own notes and from there, learn and grow to handle my emotions in a more deliberate and constructive fashion, right? Basically, write what I feel and how I react so that next time I can react better.</p>
|
||||||
<p>All of this, however many hundreds of words, all because I told Jeremy that I think I have a crush on a girl and didn’t know what to do about it.</p>
|
<p>All of this, however many hundreds of words, all because I told Jeremy that I think I have a crush on a girl and didn’t know what to do about it.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Ah well, I suppose that this has already been therapeutic, in its own way. I have a task I can set for myself, and, knowing me, all I need to do is let my sense of duty loose on it and we’ll see if it bears any fruit in the weeks and months to come.</p>
|
<p>Ah well, I suppose that this has already been therapeutic, in its own way. I have a task I can set for myself, and, knowing me, all I need to do is let my sense of duty loose on it and we’ll see if it bears any fruit in the weeks and months to come.</p>
|
||||||
<hr />
|
<hr />
|
||||||
<p>I had a sudden memory today, during my final session of the day.</p>
|
<p>I was struck by a sudden memory today, during my final session of the day.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I was seeing a young wolf who was struggling with getting settled in his degree at university and feeling guilty for not taking to it right off the bat, and I had a sudden recollection about leaving Saint John’s, all those years ago. It was strange to feel that sudden demanding of attention come over me, that sudden rush that required me to think about the past <em>right now</em>, with no recourse to avoid it. It led to an unintended silence between me and my patient.</p>
|
<p>I was seeing a young wolf who was struggling with getting settled in his degree at university and feeling guilty for not taking to it right off the bat, and I had a sudden recollection about leaving Saint John’s, all those years ago. It was strange to feel that sudden demanding of attention come over me, that rush that required me to think about the past <em>right now</em>, with no recourse to avoid it. It led to an unintended silence between me and my patient.</p>
|
||||||
<p>“So, I don’t know,” he said after the silence grew uncomfortable. “What do you think?”</p>
|
<p>“So, I don’t know,” he said after the silence grew uncomfortable. “What do you think?”</p>
|
||||||
<p>I don’t remember quite how I came to the decision to share, but I suppose I must have weighed my options and figured it might be worth it to bring the memory into the conversation. Perhaps I thought it would be a piton of shared experience on which to hang some form of step forward for him.</p>
|
<p>I don’t remember quite how I came to the decision to share, but I suppose I must have weighed my options and figured it might be worth it to bring the memory into the conversation. Perhaps I thought it would be a piton of shared experience on which to hang some form of guide rope for him.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I leaned back in the chair and adopted what I imagine was a thoughtful expression. “You know, back before I decided to go into social work, I went to school in order to become a priest. Catholic priests generally get their masters in divinity, which includes a ton of theology — something I really loved — and psychology, but also the practical aspects of ministry. I was great at the first two, but the third, well…” I trailed off and gestured at myself.</p>
|
<p>I leaned back in the chair and adopted what I imagined was a thoughtful expression. “You know, back before I decided to go into social work, I went to school in order to become a priest. Catholic priests generally get their masters in divinity, which includes a ton of theology — something I really loved — and psychology, but also the practical aspects of ministry. I was great at the first two, but the third, well…” I trailed off and gestured at myself.</p>
|
||||||
<p>The wolf cocked his head.</p>
|
<p>The wolf cocked his head.</p>
|
||||||
<p>“It’s difficult to be balance being the leader of a congregation with being an awkward mess in social situations.”</p>
|
<p>“It’s difficult to be balance being the leader of a congregation with being an awkward mess in social situations.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>He laughed. “Okay, yeah, I can see that.”</p>
|
<p>He laughed. “Okay, yeah, I can see that.”</p>
|
||||||
|
|
@ -54,23 +54,23 @@
|
||||||
<p>“You’re telling me,” he said, rolling his eyes.</p>
|
<p>“You’re telling me,” he said, rolling his eyes.</p>
|
||||||
<p>“I know you don’t share my faith, but those are the terms I think of that conversation happening in, so you’ll have to forgive me for using them.”</p>
|
<p>“I know you don’t share my faith, but those are the terms I think of that conversation happening in, so you’ll have to forgive me for using them.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>He nodded for me to continue.</p>
|
<p>He nodded for me to continue.</p>
|
||||||
<p>“There is a process called discernment in these situations, wherein you do your best to discern God’s plan for you in life. Do you go on to get married? Do you go into monastic life? Ministerial life? Hermitage?”</p>
|
<p>“In these situations, we call this process ‘discernment’, wherein you do your best to discern God’s plan for you in life. Do you go on to get married? Do you go into monastic life? Ministerial life? Hermitage?”</p>
|
||||||
<p>“And you chose married life?”</p>
|
<p>“And you chose married life?”</p>
|
||||||
<p>My mind flashed to Kay and I held back a wince. I laughed to hide my discomfort. “I chose helping others, which is why I’m here, but God’s plan for me was to do so on an emotional level rather than a spiritual one, one on one rather than in a congregation. It’s easier for me to be genuine one on one with someone than it is for me to relate to a group. It’s easier for me to have a conversation and work out problems together than it is for me to teach and preach. My advisor agreed, and said, <em>God needs saints more than he needs priests,</em> which stuck with me.”</p>
|
<p>My mind flashed to Kay and I held back a wince. I laughed to hide my discomfort. “I chose helping others, which is why I’m here, but God’s plan for me was to do so on an emotional level rather than a spiritual one, one on one rather than in a congregation. It’s easier for me to be genuine one on one with someone than it is for me to relate to a group. It’s easier for me to have a conversation and work out problems together than it is for me to teach and preach. My advisor agreed, and said, <em>God needs saints more than he needs priests,</em> which stuck with me.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>He nodded, and I could sense a hint of impatience in the gesture. “I don’t have God to lean on, though. I’m not sure I believe in any overarching plan for me to reach a goal or whatever.”</p>
|
<p>He nodded, and I could sense a hint of impatience in the gesture. “I don’t have God to lean on, though. I’m not sure I believe in any overarching plan for me to reach a goal or whatever.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>I shook my head. “No, I understand, that’s just the language I was using at the time, but the act of discernment is what I’m getting at. It’s not a one-and-done deal. At least, not for most of us normal, imperfect folks. It’s an ongoing conversation we have with ourselves about what’s important to us and how we get where we want to be.”</p>
|
<p>I shook my head. “No, I understand, that’s just the language I was using at the time, but the act of discernment is what I’m getting at. It’s not a one-and-done deal. At least, not for most of us normal, imperfect folks. It’s an ongoing conversation we have with ourselves about what’s important to us and how we get where we want to be.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>At that, he relaxed. “Oh, yeah, I get that. Like, I went into school thinking it’d be great to do chemistry and get into, I dunno, materials science or something, and I’m struggling with that. I guess a better way to think of it would be something like, uh…I guess I’m having this conversation–“</p>
|
<p>At that, he relaxed. “Oh, yeah, I get that. Like, I went into school thinking it’d be great to do chemistry and get into, I dunno, materials science or something, and I’m struggling with that. I guess a better way to think of it would be something like, uh…I guess I’m having this conversation–“</p>
|
||||||
<p>“Or you need to,” I interjected. “The discomfort may be a sign that the conversation isn’t over yet.”</p>
|
<p>“Or you need to,” I interjected. “The discomfort may be a sign that the conversation still needs to happen.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>“Yeah, I need to continue to work on this process of nailing down what it is I want to do.”</p>
|
<p>“Yeah, I need to continue to work on this process of nailing down what it is I want to do.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>I nodded. “And one thing that falls out of that is that you’re going to learn more from yourself and maybe things change. There’s no harm in them changing, you’re just getting new data from yourself about it.”</p>
|
<p>I nodded. “And one thing that falls out of that is that you’re going to learn more from yourself and maybe things change. There’s no harm in them changing, you’re just getting new data from yourself about it.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>He brightened up. “Yeah. Yeah! I like that.”</p>
|
<p>He brightened up. “Yeah. Yeah! I like that.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>I like him. I like all of my patients, of course, but he’s a good kid, and far smarter than I was at his age.</p>
|
<p>I like him. I like all of my patients, of course, but he’s a good kid, and far smarter than I was at his age.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I was just so sure of myself, back then. I was positive that I wanted to get my BA, learn Greek, then my MDiv, then head back here to Sawtooth and start right away in the ministry. My parents were also incredibly pleased with this decision, if decision it was. It felt like a decision at the time, but now I’m not so sure.</p>
|
<p>I was just so sure of myself, back then. I was positive that I wanted to get my BA, learn Greek, then my MDiv, then head back here to Sawtooth and start right away in the ministry. My parents were also incredibly pleased with this decision, if decision it was. It felt like a decision at the time, but now I’m not so sure.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Did I decide to do something that felt so self-evident? Was it just the path of least resistance? I remember when I began to struggle, when I decided leave the program, that conversation with God. I remember admitting it to myself, the confession the next morning, the meeting with Father Borenson, my advisor.</p>
|
<p>Did I decide to do something that felt so self-evident? Was it just the path of least resistance? I remember when I began to struggle, when I decided leave the program, that conversation with God. I remember admitting it to myself, the confession the next morning, the meeting with my advisor.</p>
|
||||||
<p>But was <em>that</em> a decision? Was I giving responsibility to God for an action that I myself took?</p>
|
<p>But was <em>that</em> a decision? Was I giving responsibility to God for an action that I myself took?</p>
|
||||||
<p>These feelings of doubt have been cropping up more and more, recently. I do not doubt in God, but I am beginning to question my relationship with Him. Saying “God knows what is best” is an awfully handy way to absolve oneself from the responsibility for one’s actions.</p>
|
<p>These feelings of doubt have been cropping up more and more, recently. I do not doubt in God, but I am beginning to question my relationship with Him. Saying “God knows what is best” is an awfully handy way to absolve oneself from the responsibility for one’s actions.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I know it’s right for me to not be in ministry. I wouldn’t make a good priest. I wouldn’t be happy, and thus my congregation wouldn’t be happy.</p>
|
<p>I know it’s right for me to not be in ministry. I wouldn’t make a good priest. I wouldn’t be happy, and thus my congregation wouldn’t be happy.</p>
|
||||||
<p>But I don’t know if my path here, to this point in my life, has what’s required to be called a decision. I wound up in secular life, but I wasn’t thinking what that would entail. All I was picturing is that I would not be Father Kimana.</p>
|
<p>But I don’t know if my path here, to this point in my life, has what is required to be called a decision. I wound up in secular life, but I wasn’t thinking what that would entail. All I was picturing is that I would not be Father Kimana.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Now, here almost in my thirties, all of the decisions seem so much bigger, even if their impacts are smaller. That’s not to say that pursuing Kay would be a small thing. It has the potential to be huge. It just doesn’t have the change-your-life-in-an-instant quality that leaving Saint John’s did. It would be a process. Admitting feelings, dating, marriage, children…all decisions in and of themselves, all with the potential for failure, incomplete success, or mismatches in expectations.</p>
|
<p>Now, here almost in my thirties, all of the decisions seem so much bigger, even if their impacts are smaller. That’s not to say that pursuing Kay would be a small thing. It has the potential to be huge. It just doesn’t have the change-your-life-in-an-instant quality that leaving Saint John’s did. It would be a process. Admitting feelings, dating, marriage, children…all decisions in and of themselves, all with the potential for failure, incomplete success, or mismatches in expectations.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I should go home and eat. I love my patients — nerds, to the last — and they always get me thinking, but lately, all this rumination…</p>
|
<p>I should go home and eat. I love my patients — nerds, to the last — and they always get me thinking, but lately, all this rumination…</p>
|
||||||
<p>I should go home and eat.</p>
|
<p>I should go home and eat.</p>
|
||||||
|
|
@ -81,11 +81,14 @@
|
||||||
<li id="fn:therapist">
|
<li id="fn:therapist">
|
||||||
<p>We all have them, therapist-therapists. I would never trust a therapist who does not. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:therapist" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
<p>We all have them, therapist-therapists. I would never trust a therapist who does not. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:therapist" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||||
</li>
|
</li>
|
||||||
|
<li id="fn:fuckingnerd">
|
||||||
|
<p>A term I originally used on myself in a fit of self-deprecation which Jeremy occasionally tosses back at me when I am being particularly obstinate. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:fuckingnerd" title="Jump back to footnote 2 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||||
|
</li>
|
||||||
</ol>
|
</ol>
|
||||||
</div>
|
</div>
|
||||||
</article>
|
</article>
|
||||||
<footer>
|
<footer>
|
||||||
<p>Page generated on 2021-07-19</p>
|
<p>Page generated on 2021-08-02</p>
|
||||||
</footer>
|
</footer>
|
||||||
</main>
|
</main>
|
||||||
<script type="text/javascript">
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
||||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
|
@ -12,24 +12,24 @@
|
||||||
<h1>Zk | 02-meet-cute</h1>
|
<h1>Zk | 02-meet-cute</h1>
|
||||||
</header>
|
</header>
|
||||||
<article class="content">
|
<article class="content">
|
||||||
<p>I have noticed over the years that we tend to place benches in the strangest of places. I noticed this at Saint John’s, those years ago back in Minnesota. The placement of benches ought to be deliberate. There ought to be some sort of goal in putting them where we do. A bench placed in a part with a careful view across the grass, through the trees, down the street would be ideal. You could look at the kits playing in the grass, the trees moving in the breeze, down the bustling street. Instead, we place them facing buildings along sidewalks.</p>
|
<p>I have noticed over the years that we tend to put benches in the strangest of places. I noticed this at Saint John’s, those years ago back in Minnesota. The placement of benches ought to be deliberate. There ought to be some sort of goal in putting them where we do. A bench placed in a park with a careful view across the grass, through the trees, down the street would be ideal. You could look at the kits playing in the grass, the trees moving in the breeze, down the bustling street. Instead, we place them facing buildings along sidewalks.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Or, here at work, we place them facing a parking lot. I know, of course, that this bench is here because it is intended to be a place to wait for someone to come pick you up in our car-ridden town. I <em>know</em> this, and yet this bench feels so fantastically pointless. There is one in front of short-term parking which feels far more apt a place for such a thing, but no, perhaps that was not enough: this one is along the side of the building, facing that overflow portion of the lot that on some days sees no use at all.</p>
|
<p>Or, here at work, we place them facing a parking lot. I know, of course, that this bench is here because it is intended to be a place to wait for someone to come pick you up in our car-ridden town. I <em>know</em> this, and yet this bench feels so fantastically pointless. There is one in front of short-term and handicap parking which feels far more apt a place for such a thing, but no, perhaps that was not enough: this one is along the side of the building, facing that overflow portion of the lot that on some days sees no use at all.</p>
|
||||||
<p>There is this occasional fad among certain groups on the Internet, I’ve been told, of seeking out so-called liminal spaces. I think that the term is ill-fitting. Liminality has a very specific meaning. I do not think that many of the places described as “liminal” that show up on social media and forums on the ‘net are liminal so much as abandoned and vaguely spooky. They are not a place between, they are not a place one transits, not a border. They are simply poorly lit or forgotten.</p>
|
<p>There is this occasional fad among certain groups on the Internet, I’ve been told, of seeking out so-called liminal spaces. I think that the term is ill-fitting. Liminality has a very specific meaning. I do not think that many of the places described as “liminal” that show up on social media and forums on the ‘net are liminal so much as abandoned and vaguely spooky. They are not a place between, they are not a place one transits, not a border. They are simply poorly lit or forgotten.</p>
|
||||||
<p>The important thing about liminality, though, is not that a place be forgotten and certainly that it not be in any way scary, but that it should slip and slide beneath your interest. Liminality requires some form of passing through, It needs to be a border that you cross or a place that you enter for the sole purpose of exiting. Abandoned shopping malls are not literal. A barn, canted awkwardly to the side with age, standing alone in a field is not liminal.</p>
|
<p>The important thing about liminality, though, is not that a place be forgotten and certainly that it not be in any way scary, but that it should slip and slide beneath your interest. Liminality requires some form of passing through, It needs to be a border that you cross or a place that you enter for the sole purpose of exiting. Abandoned shopping malls are not liminal. A barn, canted awkwardly to the side with age, standing alone in a field is not liminal.</p>
|
||||||
<p>A parking lot is liminal. An airport is liminal. A drive-thru is liminal. These are the spaces that exist only to be traversed. They are the spaces where, should you get stuck in them, you will be struck by the unnerving quality of the experience. They are not places that you visit. They are places that, should you visit, you will feel unwelcome because they resist the idea of doing so. They push back at you, in some intangible way, and say: “You are not meant to be here.”</p>
|
<p>A parking lot is liminal. An airport is liminal. A drive-thru is liminal. These are the spaces that exist only to be traversed. They are the spaces where, should you get stuck in them, you will be struck by the unnerving quality of the experience. They are not places that you visit. They are places that, should you visit — really, intentionally visit — you will feel unwelcome because they resist the very idea of doing so. They push back at you, in some intangible way, and say: “You are not meant to be here.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>I am stalling.</p>
|
<p>I am stalling.</p>
|
||||||
<p>It’s perhaps a little strange that I seem to get the most out of journaling during my lunch breaks. To me, it feels as though I ought to be doing something so personal and introspective back at home, rather than sitting out on that awkwardly-placed bench in front of the office in that liminal parking lot, but there is something about the discomfort of that place combined with me already being in the therapeutic mindset that makes this the ideal situation.</p>
|
<p>It’s perhaps a little strange that I seem to get the most out of journaling during my lunch breaks. To me, it feels as though I ought to be doing something so personal and introspective back at home, rather than sitting out on that awkwardly-placed bench in front of the office in that liminal parking lot, but there is something about the discomfort of that place combined with me already being in the therapeutic mindset that makes this the ideal situation.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I am stalling, though, because I know that it is easier for me to get caught up in words than to actually do the work at hand. Perhaps I am in the mind of liminality because this idea of liking someone, of wanting to pursue a relationship, is so new to me.</p>
|
<p>I am stalling, though, because I know that it is easier for me to get caught up in words than to actually do the work at hand. Perhaps I am in the mind of liminality because this idea of liking someone, of wanting to pursue a relationship, is so new to me.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I have long since acknowledged that, despite my ability to listen actively and to guide patients through therapy, I am insufferable. I do not mean to denigrate myself in this. It is a fact and I am comfortable with my role in life. I am autistic and comfortable with all that comes with that (indeed, it works to my advantage in my professional life as I work primarily with other autistic individuals). I have few friends outside of a professional context. I do not enjoy drinking. I am devoutly Catholic. I suspect, for some whom I met at university, even at the private school before that, that I am out of place for being so ‘low’ a species in such lofty places as those, for such are the places for the cats and dogs of the world, not a coyote who has, in their mind, pried himself up from the blue-collar professions of his ancestors or some imagined poverty.</p>
|
<p>I have long since acknowledged that, despite my ability to listen actively and to guide patients through therapy, I am insufferable. I do not mean to denigrate myself in this. It is a fact and I am comfortable with my role in life. I am autistic and comfortable with all that comes with that (indeed, it works to my advantage in my professional life as I work primarily with other autistic individuals). I have few friends outside of a professional context. I do not enjoy drinking. I am devoutly Catholic. I suspect, for some whom I met at university, even at the private school before that, that I am out of place for being so ‘low’ a species in such lofty places as those, for such are the places for the cats and dogs of the world, not a coyote who has, in their mind, pried himself up from the blue-collar professions of his ancestors<sup id="fnref:ancestors"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:ancestors">2</a></sup> or some imagined poverty.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Along with all of this, however, has come with a necessary distance from romance and relationships. This is another thing that I am comfortable with. The celibacy that was in my future as a priest was not a thing that I was in any way uncomfortable with, and when I moved on from that life I saw no reason to change that. I do not enjoy the word ‘single’, because that implies something ‘less than’ in today’s society. I am happy alone.</p>
|
<p>Along with all of this, however, has come with a necessary distance from romance and relationships. This is another thing that I am comfortable with. The celibacy that was in my future as a priest was not a thing that I was in any way uncomfortable with, and when I moved on from that life I saw no reason to change that. I do not enjoy the word ‘single’, because that implies something ‘less than’ in today’s society. I am happy alone.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I have, at various points in life, picked up a romantic twinge, and when I do, I cherish it. I will sit with that feeling and enjoy it, and then I will put it up on some shelf within me to be a part of my life, and yet in some way apart from it.</p>
|
<p>I have, at various points in life, picked up a romantic twinge, and when I do, I cherish it. I will sit with that feeling and enjoy it, and then I will put it up on some shelf within me to be a part of my life, and yet in some way apart from it.</p>
|
||||||
<p>It is not unlike praying in that sense: God is always a part of my life, and yet is apart from it. I do not subscribe to many of the modern evangelical takes on religion, wherein God is within you and Jesus in your heart, but something far more conservative and old-fashioned. God is beside me, perhaps. Above me. He is with me, but not within me.</p>
|
<p>It is not unlike praying in that sense: God is always a part of my life, and yet is apart from it. I do not subscribe to many of the modern evangelical takes on religion, wherein God is within you and Jesus in your heart, but something perhaps more conservative and old-fashioned. God is beside me, perhaps. Above me. He is with me, but not within me.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Another way to look at this is perhaps that these feelings are embers, or the smoldering of paper that has not yet caught fire into a relationship. You can see the faint tint of red crawling along the fibers of the paper, and yes, I suppose that you could blow on it and coax it into something more, but better, for me, to watch it slowly consume the paper, enjoy the beauty of the ember and the delicacy of the papery ash it leaves behind, and then, once it has gone out, acknowledge that it has left me a new person.</p>
|
<p>Another way to look at this is perhaps that these feelings are embers, or the smoldering of paper that has not yet caught fire into a relationship. You can see the faint tint of red crawling along the fibers of the paper, and yes, I suppose that you could blow on it and coax it into something more, but better, for me, to watch it slowly consume the paper, enjoy the beauty of the ember and the delicacy of the ash it leaves behind, and then, once it has gone out, acknowledge that it has left me a new person.</p>
|
||||||
<p>That, however, is not what Kay has done. She has flared into my life as a bright spark. It is not the slow crawl of smolder along paper but the bright flash of magnesium caught fire. Unstoppable. Undousable. Inevitable.</p>
|
<p>That, however, is not what Kay has done. She has flared into my life as a bright spark. It is not the slow crawl of smolder along paper but the bright flash of magnesium caught fire. Unstoppable. Undousable. Inevitable.</p>
|
||||||
<p>This — this and the fact that that we both have what sound like single letters for names, Kay and Dee — is why I brought her up to Jeremy, this brightly burning light in my life that has suddenly claimed me. This feeling is new. It’s novel. I have had what I had assumed ‘crushes’ were before, but to be smitten is a very new feeling for me, one that I do not quite know how to approach.</p>
|
<p>This — this and joking about the fact that that we both have what sound like single letters for names, Kay and Dee — is why I brought her up to Jeremy, this brightly burning light in my life that has suddenly claimed me. This feeling is new. It’s novel. I have had what I had assumed ‘crushes’ were before, but to be smitten is a very new feeling for me, one that I do not quite know how to approach.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Kay and I met during the last year of her undergrad and the first year of my graduate studies at UI Sawtooth. She had taken a job in the campus library to help pay her way through school, working in the interlibrary loan office, a service that I was starting to use more in earnest.</p>
|
<p>Kay and I met during the last year of her undergrad and the first year of my graduate studies at UI Sawtooth. She had taken a job in the campus library to help pay her way through school, working in the interlibrary loan office, a service that I was starting to use more in earnest.</p>
|
||||||
<p>That’s three years gone now, though, and that these feelings were not in place soon after we met clouded my judgement when I started to pick up so intense a set of emotions. When one feels a yearning that saps one’s strength, one expects that this is to be fairytale-level pining. Love at first sight. Smitten by looks. Utterly taken with the ways in which one speaks.</p>
|
<p>That’s four years gone now, though, and that these feelings were not in place soon after we met clouded my judgement when I started to pick up so intense a set of emotions. When one feels a yearning that saps one’s strength, one expects that this is to be fairytale-level pining. Love at first sight. Smitten by looks. Utterly taken with the ways in which one speaks.</p>
|
||||||
<p>But no, when I first met Kay, I had made a mental note that she was a conventionally attractive coyote, no-nonsense and to the point, a fastidious dresser, and almost frighteningly competent. I read in her some of the same facets of autism that I see within myself, and I suspect much of her quiet efficiency stemmed from the fact that she, like me, often found herself feeling insufferable. It has taken me training and practice to soften my voice, to understand expressions, postures, and the vocal tics that make up people. I feel myself to be an empathetic person, a fact which drove me first to ministry and then to psychology, but to actually connect with those around me on an individual basis took effort.</p>
|
<p>But no, when I first met Kay, I had made a mental note that she was a conventionally attractive coyote, no-nonsense and to the point, an absent-minded dresser, and almost frighteningly competent. I read in her some of the same facets of autism that I see within myself, and I suspect much of her quiet efficiency stemmed from the fact that she, like me, often found herself feeling insufferable. It has taken me training and practice to soften my voice, to understand expressions, postures, and the vocal tics that make up people. I feel myself to be an empathetic person, a fact which drove me first to ministry and then to psychology, but to <em>actually connect</em> with those around me on an individual basis took effort.<sup id="fnref:maskingeffort"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:maskingeffort">3</a></sup></p>
|
||||||
<p>I freely admit that the ILL office was not necessarily the type of place where one focuses on exemplary customer service, but still, this did not seem to be something that Kay was interested in in the slightest. She was there to do her job, do it quickly, and do it well. After a few visits picking up and returning books<sup id="fnref:books"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:books">1</a></sup>, I decided that I would try to befriend her and find out how much we had in common.</p>
|
<p>I freely admit that the ILL office was not necessarily the type of place where one focuses on exemplary customer service, but still, this did not seem to be something that Kay was interested in in the slightest. She was there to do her job, do it quickly, and do it well. After a few visits picking up and returning books<sup id="fnref:books"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:books">1</a></sup>, I decided that I would try to befriend her and find out how much we had in common.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Was this some early expression of my feelings toward her? I do not know. I do not remember feeling in any way romantic toward her at the time, yet for me to deliberately seek friendship from someone was not a thing that I might otherwise have done. I do remember thinking at the time that had I asked her to talk over a coffee, that would have carried such connotations, so instead, the next time I had an order of books to pick up, I simply asked her major.</p>
|
<p>Was this some early expression of my feelings toward her? I do not know. I do not remember feeling in any way romantic toward her at the time, yet for me to deliberately seek friendship from someone was not a thing that I might otherwise have done. I do remember thinking at the time that had I asked her to talk over a coffee, that would have carried such connotations, so instead, the next time I had an order of books to pick up, I simply asked her major.</p>
|
||||||
<p>For some reason, I remember that she had been in the middle of typing something when I had asked, claws clicking on the keys, and that she had stopped and blinked rapidly at the screen, and I imagined thoughts crunching out of gear within her head.</p>
|
<p>For some reason, I remember that she had been in the middle of typing something when I had asked, claws clicking on the keys, and that she had stopped and blinked rapidly at the screen, and I imagined thoughts crunching out of gear within her head.</p>
|
||||||
|
|
@ -37,9 +37,9 @@
|
||||||
<p>I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just always seem to wind up talking with you here, so I was wondering. You don’t seem like one of the salaried employees.”</p>
|
<p>I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just always seem to wind up talking with you here, so I was wondering. You don’t seem like one of the salaried employees.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>Her smile was wry as she replied, “I’m not, no.”</p>
|
<p>Her smile was wry as she replied, “I’m not, no.”</p>
|
||||||
<p>I don’t remember if we talked about anything else that day, and there were not any stand-out conversations over the next however many times I saw her in the office, though we soon started talking every time I came by and the few times I saw her in passing both in the library and on campus. At some point, we simply…became friends. I do not know whether we would have done so without me having acted with the intent to do so. Perhaps we would have. I do not remember thinking about intent-of-friendship much after that first conversation, so perhaps all it took was that opening question.</p>
|
<p>I don’t remember if we talked about anything else that day, and there were not any stand-out conversations over the next however many times I saw her in the office, though we soon started talking every time I came by and the few times I saw her in passing both in the library and on campus. At some point, we simply…became friends. I do not know whether we would have done so without me having acted with the intent to do so. Perhaps we would have. I do not remember thinking about intent-of-friendship much after that first conversation, so perhaps all it took was that opening question.</p>
|
||||||
<p>We slid effortlessly into a routine of weekly lunches. I went to a few concerts with her, though she knew far more about the music being played than I and I often felt in over my head as we listened to the instrumentalists on stage. I was surprised to find on the first concert that she wore earplugs throughout. I did not find the music to be too loud, some string quartet, perhaps, but she explained to me that it kept her from getting overwhelmed.</p>
|
<p>We slid effortlessly into a routine of sharing lunches several times a week. I went to a few concerts with her, though she knew far more about the music being played than I and I often felt in over my head as we listened to the instrumentalists and vocalists on stage. I was surprised to find on the first concert that she wore earplugs throughout. I did not find the music to be too loud, some string quartet, perhaps, but she explained to me that it kept her from getting overwhelmed.</p>
|
||||||
<p>At the end of her time at UI Sawtooth, I had the chance to attend her senior recital, where several other students from the various departments performed a few short compositions of hers. The music was cerebral and, to my ears, dissonant, even dark, but it was as fastidious as her in a way that I cannot explain. I applauded heartily and after the show we hugged and she invited me out to drinks with her family, who all proved quite friendly and much like her. Thinking back, I suspect that must have made quite the sight: four coyotes sitting around a table at a fairly nice restaurant, speaking in essays to expound on whatever thesis has come into their heads.</p>
|
<p>At the end of her time at UI Sawtooth, I had the chance to attend her senior recital, where several other students from the various departments performed a few short compositions of hers. The music was cerebral and, to my ears, dissonant, even dark, but it was as fastidious as her in a way that I cannot explain. I applauded heartily and after the show we hugged and she invited me out to drinks with her family, who all proved quite friendly and much like her. Thinking back, I suspect that must have made quite the sight: four coyotes sitting around a table at a fairly nice restaurant, speaking in essays to expound on whatever thesis has come into their heads.</p>
|
||||||
<p>Spending time with other autistic folks was not a strange occurrence to me, as I had known a few in university and had of course met several in my training, but for some reason, that night was the first time I could say that I felt comfortable in that portion of my identity. I felt at home with others, and, strange as it seems to say, rather like a member of their family.</p>
|
<p>Spending time with other autistic folks was not a strange occurrence to me, as I had known a few in university and had as a matter of course of course met several in my training, but for some reason, that night was the first time I could say that I felt comfortable in that portion of my identity. I felt at home with others, and, strange as it seems to say, rather like a member of their family.</p>
|
||||||
<p>My lunch break is nearing its end, out here in the liminal lot, so I should probably hold off from writing any more, but I should note before I do that it <em>is</em> interesting that much of what I describe here in retrospect bespeaks an early attraction that I had not at the time attributed to budding romance or anything so grand. </p>
|
<p>My lunch break is nearing its end, out here in the liminal lot, so I should probably hold off from writing any more, but I should note before I do that it <em>is</em> interesting that much of what I describe here in retrospect bespeaks an early attraction that I had not at the time attributed to budding romance or anything so grand. </p>
|
||||||
<p>Perhaps it was, in the end.</p>
|
<p>Perhaps it was, in the end.</p>
|
||||||
<hr />
|
<hr />
|
||||||
|
|
@ -52,7 +52,7 @@
|
||||||
<li>My subconscious mind was starting to, as a client put it the other day, catch feelings, and thus the situation I find myself in now has a longer history than expected</li>
|
<li>My subconscious mind was starting to, as a client put it the other day, catch feelings, and thus the situation I find myself in now has a longer history than expected</li>
|
||||||
<li>The history behind this current set of emotions has some later starting point and the way in which Kay and I became friends has no bearing on the present other than as an interesting story.</li>
|
<li>The history behind this current set of emotions has some later starting point and the way in which Kay and I became friends has no bearing on the present other than as an interesting story.</li>
|
||||||
</ul>
|
</ul>
|
||||||
<p>If the former is the case, then I think it is worth some introspection as to what about our in-person interactions might have drawn me to her romantically. As I mentioned, she was frightfully smart. She was kind. She was not unattractive, either, and as a coyote, certainly someone who ought to have been in the market for me.<sup id="fnref:market"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:market">2</a></sup></p>
|
<p>If the former is the case, then I think it is worth some introspection as to what about our in-person interactions might have drawn me to her romantically. As I mentioned, she was frightfully smart. She was kind. She was not unattractive, either, and as a coyote, certainly someone who ought to have been in the market for me.<sup id="fnref:market"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:market">4</a></sup></p>
|
||||||
<p>If the latter is the case, however, then I have to wonder why it is that such feelings did not form until distance became an issue, for less than a month after that dinner with Kay and her parents, she moved away from UI Sawtooth to prepare for her masters at UI Boise and our communication moved almost entirely to email and PostFast messages. I know that we tried to call once or twice, but neither of us is particularly keen on phones.</p>
|
<p>If the latter is the case, however, then I have to wonder why it is that such feelings did not form until distance became an issue, for less than a month after that dinner with Kay and her parents, she moved away from UI Sawtooth to prepare for her masters at UI Boise and our communication moved almost entirely to email and PostFast messages. I know that we tried to call once or twice, but neither of us is particularly keen on phones.</p>
|
||||||
<p>When I speak with my patients struggling with anxiety disorders, one of the exercises that I have them perform after a panic attack is to walk back to when the panic attack started and write down what they were doing and how they were feeling. Once they have done that a few times, they can look for similarities in the reports, and then they can start walking back further from the starting point of the attack in order to discover potential triggers. Knowing those, they can begin working on coping and avoidance mechanisms.</p>
|
<p>When I speak with my patients struggling with anxiety disorders, one of the exercises that I have them perform after a panic attack is to walk back to when the panic attack started and write down what they were doing and how they were feeling. Once they have done that a few times, they can look for similarities in the reports, and then they can start walking back further from the starting point of the attack in order to discover potential triggers. Knowing those, they can begin working on coping and avoidance mechanisms.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I know that I am trying to justify to myself my work on this journal so far, but I think that this retrospection is part of what I am doing with the project. I am not sure that I want to cope or avoid these feelings that I’m having, necessarily, but I do want to at least better understand when they began, and by understanding the past, better understand the present.</p>
|
<p>I know that I am trying to justify to myself my work on this journal so far, but I think that this retrospection is part of what I am doing with the project. I am not sure that I want to cope or avoid these feelings that I’m having, necessarily, but I do want to at least better understand when they began, and by understanding the past, better understand the present.</p>
|
||||||
|
|
@ -67,22 +67,28 @@
|
||||||
<p>Finally, I remember praying. I remember speaking to God and holding in tension my words to Him and these feelings that I was having. I remember asking Him what this meant. What, O Lord, does it mean to desire fulfillment from another person? I do not want to possess them. I do not want to lay with them. I am not even sure that I love them. I just want to be happy with them, want them to be happy, and yet in such a specific way. What does it mean?</p>
|
<p>Finally, I remember praying. I remember speaking to God and holding in tension my words to Him and these feelings that I was having. I remember asking Him what this meant. What, O Lord, does it mean to desire fulfillment from another person? I do not want to possess them. I do not want to lay with them. I am not even sure that I love them. I just want to be happy with them, want them to be happy, and yet in such a specific way. What does it mean?</p>
|
||||||
<p>The little voice through which God speaks was silent. I was not surprised — the domain of God’s works are not the petty interpersonal relationships between individuals but rather whether or not their lives are lived in grace, and whether or not they strive to bring grace to the world around them.</p>
|
<p>The little voice through which God speaks was silent. I was not surprised — the domain of God’s works are not the petty interpersonal relationships between individuals but rather whether or not their lives are lived in grace, and whether or not they strive to bring grace to the world around them.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I was not surprised, but I was, admittedly, disappointed. I try not to be disappointed in the ways of the Lord, of course. It’s not His job to solve my problems, and to expect him to do so is silly.</p>
|
<p>I was not surprised, but I was, admittedly, disappointed. I try not to be disappointed in the ways of the Lord, of course. It’s not His job to solve my problems, and to expect him to do so is silly.</p>
|
||||||
<p>I perhaps just wanted some guidance.</p>
|
<p>Perhaps I just wanted some guidance.</p>
|
||||||
<hr />
|
<hr />
|
||||||
<div class="footnote">
|
<div class="footnote">
|
||||||
<hr />
|
<hr />
|
||||||
<ol>
|
<ol>
|
||||||
<li id="fn:books">
|
<li id="fn:books">
|
||||||
<p>More than I needed, perhaps. I had access to ILL as long as I was a student, and I took fantastic advantage of it. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:books" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
<p>More than I needed, perhaps. I had access to ILL as long as I was a student, and I took advantage of it. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:books" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||||
|
</li>
|
||||||
|
<li id="fn:ancestors">
|
||||||
|
<p>My father was a farmer from a long line of farmers, and mom was a transplant from out east where, yes, her family had long been farmers. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:ancestors" title="Jump back to footnote 2 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||||
|
</li>
|
||||||
|
<li id="fn:maskingeffort">
|
||||||
|
<p>It still does. It is, after all, called emotional labor for a reason. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:maskingeffort" title="Jump back to footnote 3 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||||
</li>
|
</li>
|
||||||
<li id="fn:market">
|
<li id="fn:market">
|
||||||
<p>I know that many of the more liberal bent are increasingly okay with interspecies relationships, but, liberal as I try to be, my upbringing and my time within the church seem to have set me on the straight and narrow path, here. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:market" title="Jump back to footnote 2 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
<p>I know that many of the more liberal bent are increasingly okay with interspecies relationships, but, liberal as I try to be, my upbringing and my time within the church seem to have set me on the straight and narrow path, here. <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:market" title="Jump back to footnote 4 in the text">↩</a></p>
|
||||||
</li>
|
</li>
|
||||||
</ol>
|
</ol>
|
||||||
</div>
|
</div>
|
||||||
</article>
|
</article>
|
||||||
<footer>
|
<footer>
|
||||||
<p>Page generated on 2021-07-19</p>
|
<p>Page generated on 2021-08-02</p>
|
||||||
</footer>
|
</footer>
|
||||||
</main>
|
</main>
|
||||||
<script type="text/javascript">
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
||||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
|
@ -153,9 +153,9 @@
|
||||||
<li class="done3"> B: Doubt fades, settle into lay life/what could have been</li>
|
<li class="done3"> B: Doubt fades, settle into lay life/what could have been</li>
|
||||||
</ul>
|
</ul>
|
||||||
</li>
|
</li>
|
||||||
<li class="done2"> <a href="beats/13-epilogue.html">Epilogue/hope</a> (again, probably just one chapter)<ul>
|
<li class="done3"> <a href="beats/13-epilogue.html">Epilogue/hope</a> (again, probably just one chapter)<ul>
|
||||||
<li class="done2"> A: Plans another visit/okay being friends</li>
|
<li class="done3"> A: Plans another visit/okay being friends</li>
|
||||||
<li class="done2"> B: Starts volunteering MH counselling services at church. — Feast of St KT.</li>
|
<li class="done3"> B: Starts volunteering MH counselling services at church. — Feast of St KT.</li>
|
||||||
</ul>
|
</ul>
|
||||||
</li>
|
</li>
|
||||||
</ol>
|
</ol>
|
||||||
|
|
|
||||||
Loading…
Reference in New Issue