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Madison Scott-Clary 2023-09-15 09:35:10 -07:00
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writing/3/terrifying/blind-strife.html
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<p>I can see the allure, there, myself. Of course I can.</p> <p>I can see the allure, there, myself. Of course I can.</p>
<p>I teased myself when the first book in that series, <em>Qoheleth</em>, came out that if I had an nickel for every time I accidentally wrote something with heavy plural undertones that nonetheless made me doubt my own identity, I would have two nickels. Which isn&rsquo;t a lot, as the quote continues, but it is weird that it happened twice. After all, hadn&rsquo;t I received all of that attention from plural folks with regards to <em>ally</em>? &ldquo;I think it&rsquo;s my favorite plural memoir&rdquo;, Rax wrote,\footnote{\cite{rax}} yes?</p> <p>I teased myself when the first book in that series, <em>Qoheleth</em>, came out that if I had an nickel for every time I accidentally wrote something with heavy plural undertones that nonetheless made me doubt my own identity, I would have two nickels. Which isn&rsquo;t a lot, as the quote continues, but it is weird that it happened twice. After all, hadn&rsquo;t I received all of that attention from plural folks with regards to <em>ally</em>? &ldquo;I think it&rsquo;s my favorite plural memoir&rdquo;, Rax wrote,\footnote{\cite{rax}} yes?</p>
<p>And then <em>Toledot</em> came out. And, six months later, <em>Nevi&rsquo;im</em>, and <em>Mitzvot</em> six months after that.</p> <p>And then <em>Toledot</em> came out. And, six months later, <em>Nevi&rsquo;im</em>, and <em>Mitzvot</em> six months after that.</p>
<p>Five hundred thousand words <p>Five hundred thousand words about a people whose lives were defined by their ability to fork and individuate.</p>
<p>When <em>ally</em> came out, when I got that review from Rax, I tripped over a crack in my identity and fell to my hands and knees, skinning my palms, barking my shin against this potential conceptualization of self.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Are you me?</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>Am I?</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>I don’t know. I can’t tell. I can’t tell if you’re me, if the adversary is me, if “that third-of-three parts, that part defined by negative space and shadow and blind spots” is me.</p>
<p>I can’t tell if hypomanic Madison is me. I can’t tell if depressed Madison is me.</p>
<p>Sometimes she feels separate. Depressed Madison, I mean. Sometimes she feels like another person who is doing different things, and I feel trapped up within my head, watching her act–</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>Or not.</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>–or not, and I feel like nothing I say or do can get her to change the things she does or does not do. Nothing I say or do can change the way she feels.</p>
<p>The way I feel?</p>
<p>The way she feels when she’s fronting?\footnote{\cite{ally-plurality}}
((Struggling against expectations versus desires esp re: feeling like I deserve to take up space))</p> ((Struggling against expectations versus desires esp re: feeling like I deserve to take up space))</p>
</blockquote>
</article> </article>
<footer> <footer>
<p>Page generated on 2023-09-15</p> <p>Page generated on 2023-09-15</p>