All this to say that I am starting to come to the conclusion that limerence is the egodystonic form of attraction.
I suspect there must be some similarity to addiction here; the overwhelming pungency of limerence is not pleasant. It is a thing that must be maintained, just as a high-functioning addiction must be maintained. One must have that drink at the end of the day. It feels bad to drink it, it feels bad after, it feels bad to need it in order to maintain a functional life.
Similarly, this crush, if that’s all it is anymore, requires of me a constant level of maintenance. I have to feed it fantasies, have to pour into it energy. I have to dream, both at night and during the day. I have to imagine the feeling of our fingers intertwining.
-It is a negative part of my life in both its concrete and emotional effects. It feels perilously close to sin. I think that’s why I sought out confession.
+It is a negative part of my life in both its concrete and emotional effects. It feels perilously close to sin. I think that’s why I sought out confession. What was it the priest had said? Ask yourself who it is that you are hurting in these situations.
+I remember the surety of knowledge after that, that the only one I was hurting through these struggles was myself.