update from sparkleup
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<p>Ioan had leaned back in eir chair, ey remembered, and stared up at the ceiling. “That certainly tallies with what she’s said in the past.”</p>
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<p>“She is the type of person who will always take more upon herself, more and more and more until she cracks,” May had murmured, quiet enough that Ioan had to strain to hear. “That she has been at this for more than two and a quarter centuries and the strain is only now showing is, if anything, a testament to her perseverance. Or obstinance, perhaps.”</p>
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<p>Ever since that day, that conversation would rise to the fore of eir memory whenever ey met up with True Name for coffee. They would have their conversation, sip their drinks, and then get to whatever projects they were working on, and there would always be a small portion of eir mind dedicated to squaring what ey knew of her and just how old she was.</p>
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<p>What ey’d not managed to bring up in that conversation with May, however, was that ey seemed plagued with a pathological desire to help. Somehow. Ey wanted to find what it was that was wearing so much on True Name and find a way to ease it. There was a problem there, and problems were made for solving, yes?</p>
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<p>What ey’d strategically left out of that conversation with May, however, was that ey seemed plagued with a pathological neet to help. Somehow. Ey wanted to find what it was that was wearing so much on True Name and find a way to ease it. There was a problem there, and problems were made for solving, yes?</p>
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<p>It was something about em that May doubtless knew, but which ey’d never shared with her, as ey knew that her response would either be the gentle teasing that she was so good at heaping on em or the gentle inquisition that she was equally adept at conducting. She’d ask em where the feeling stemmed from; was it from within eir mind, or within eir heart? Was it related to <em>all</em> problems? Was it because True Name looked so much like her, eir partner? When had it started? Launch? Convergence? Never mind if it were a problem that ey could not solve, as was almost certainly the case, what would ey do if it was a problem she did not <em>want</em> solved?</p>
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<p>Ey knew she’d ask em those questions because whenever ey asked them of emself, ey heard them in her voice. Even when ey’d asked Sarah, eir therapist (or, well, all three of their therapists), there was some subconscious overlay of the skunk’s lilting voice floating above the question, and ey’d find emself dropping contractions and leaning on the anaphora that all Odists seemed stuck with.</p>
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<p>“You seem particularly lost in thought today, Ioan.”</p>
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<p>She frowned, leaned forward to pick up her coffee, and took a lapping sip. “Does it? I am feeling increasingly overloaded, yes, but that is not new. How is it visible?”</p>
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<p>“You just seem more tired every time I see you.”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “I am, yes.”</p>
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<p>“Is there–” Ey caught emself up short, forcibly tamped down the urge to ask what ey could do to help, and instead said, “I mean, what all are you working on? I can never tell with you and May. It just looks like thinking.”</p>
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<p>“Is there–” Ey caught emself up short, forcibly tamped down the urge to offer to help, and instead said, “I mean, what all are you working on? I can never tell with you and May. It just looks like thinking.”</p>
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<p>“It is perhaps a problem with doing all of one’s work in one’s head.” she said, laughing. “We are not blessed with your affinity for paper.”</p>
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<p>“Or curse.”</p>
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<p>She chuckled. “Your words, not mine. But, well…with the understanding that I cannot tell you everything that I am working on, I will say that there is much to be done when it comes to shaping sys-side sentiment around all of the various new tech.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. There was so much to process in just the new tech, not to mention the reminder that, even if ey’d long since started thinking of True Name as a complete and complex person and not some shady, two-dimensional villain, she still had her fingers in just about every political pie that could possibly exist on the three incarnations of the System.</p>
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<p>“Does writing not wear you out, Ioan?”</p>
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<p>“Well, sometimes,” ey hedged. “I guess it depends on what all is going into whatever it is that I’m writing. The <em>History</em> wore me out at some points, particularly during research, but for the most part, writing was just…what I did. It didn’t wear me out any more than breathing might.”</p>
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<p>She laughed. “And theatre?”</p>
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<p>“And theatre?”</p>
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<p>“Oh, that definitely wears me out.”</p>
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<p>“I remember that, yes. Even just standing backstage, waiting for one’s moment to enter felt exhausting sometimes. I would get all worn out and want nothing more than to go home and fall over, afterwards.”</p>
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<p>“Didn’t you go get shitty diner food or whatever?”</p>
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<p>True Name folded her paws in her lap primly, grinning to em.</p>
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<p><em>This is it,</em> ey thought. <em>This is why I keep coming back. Even if she is consciously turning up the friendliness to maintain some weird status quo, or even if she is only doing it subconsciously, she’s still nice to be around.</em></p>
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<p>Ey considered letting the topic continue, but the thought was intriguing enough to voice out loud. “Why do you do this, True Name? Get coffee with me, I mean.”</p>
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<p>“There is nothing nefarious about it, if that is what you are asking,” she said, bowing her head briefly. “In confidence?”</p>
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<p>“There is nothing nefarious about it, if that is what you are asking,” she said, pausing briefly. “In confidence?”</p>
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<p>“Of course. I imagine most of what you say is in confidence.”</p>
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<p>“Indeed. I trust that you will not share the news about AVEC yet.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded.</p>
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<p>The skunk stood and bowed. “Yes. Until next time. Enjoy the rest of your day, my dear.”</p>
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<p>The cone of silence dropped, letting in a jolt of noise, and the skunk stepped from the sim. Ey finished eir coffee, then stepped back home.</p>
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<p>“I am pleased to see that you did not die,” May said, looking up from her notebook.</p>
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<p>Ey kicked off eir shoes and set down eir own notebook on eir desk before walking over to give the skunk a kiss between the ears. “Nope, not yet. Stuck with me for a while yet.”</p>
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<p>Ey kicked off eir shoes and set down eir own notebook on eir desk before walking over to give the skunk a kiss between the ears. “Nope, not this time. Stuck with me for a while yet.”</p>
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<p>She set her pen down and stretched her arms up over her head before leaning up to dot her nose against eirs, arms draped up around eir shoulders. “Good, I am not finished wringing all I can out of you. One day, you will be left a broken husk of a Bălan and I will move on to my next victim.”</p>
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<p>Shaking eir head, ey returned that nosepress before straightening up. “You’re doing a crap job of it, May. You keep adding to my life rather than taking away from it.”</p>
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<p>She laughed. “Even when you are joking, you are adorable. Love you too, my dear. How was True Name?”</p>
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<p>“That’s what we talked about. Neither of us could really decide on anything beyond ‘friends for lack of a better term’.” Ey hesitated, feeling incredibly conscious of eir partner resting against em, her stated resentment of her down-tree instance, how that had veered for so long into hatred. Ey continued, speaking carefully, “I like having interesting people to talk to and she’s been pretty good company. She likes having someone to just be around and talk with that isn’t herself or Jonas.”</p>
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<p>“Are they still not getting along?”</p>
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<p>“Worse, maybe. That’s where she requested that I drop the topic. She said that they made good coworkers, but not necessarily friends, and I asked if that was always the case, and she said she wasn’t comfortable having that conversation. Very politely, of course, but it looked like it took a lot of effort.”</p>
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<p>“Mm.” The skunk lowered her muzzle again, letting em peek down at her again. “I have been working on how I define myself in relation to True Name. I do not like that I spent so long hating her. I do not want that to be a part of who I am. I am May, who loves. I hold no such compunctions about Jonas, though, and I am sorry that she still feels she must engage with him. He was a piece of shit then and he is far worse now.”</p>
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<p>“Mm.” The skunk lowered her muzzle again, letting em peek down at her again. “I have been working on how I define myself in relation to True Name. I do not like that I spent so long hating her. I do not want that to be a part of who I am. I am May, who loves. I hold no such compunctions about Jonas, though, and I am sorry that she still feels she must engage with him. He was a piece of shit then and I imagine that he is far worse now.”</p>
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<p>“Huh?” Ey shook eir head as ey pieced together what she meant. “Oh right, sorry. I guess you were forked off after he and True Name started working together.”</p>
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<p>“Yes. I remember that from when I was her. We were not friends then, and I am glad that she is not his friend, now.”</p>
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<p>“I only met him those few times years back, and yeah, I’m glad she isn’t, either. He was definitely a piece of shit.”</p>
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<p>“Alright,” ey said, wiping eir face. “What should we do for dinner?”</p>
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</article>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-17</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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<p>Ey nodded.</p>
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<p>When ey didn’t reply otherwise, she shrugged and continued, “I would not say that I agree with that “I loathe myself, so imagine how much I love others” bit. I do not loathe myself, and yet I still love others. Have loved and will love in the future, even, and I see no change in my rare moments of self-loathing.”</p>
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<p>Ey laughed. “‘Will love in the future’? You leaving me for some handsome guy you met in a bar, then?”</p>
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<p>“A bar? Ugh. I am apparently more of a ‘hunt nerds in the library’ type.” She poked em in the belly. “But I love <em>you</em>, my dear, and will continue to do so.”</p>
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<p>“A bar? Ugh. I am apparently more of a ‘hunt nerds in the library’ type.” She poked em in the belly. “But I love <em>you</em>, Ioan, and will continue to do so.”</p>
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<p>Rubbing at the spot where she’d poked with her dull claw, ey nodded. “Love you too, May.”</p>
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<p>She beamed happily and settled back in against eir side, head resting on eir shoulder. “I am glad, my dear. I know we agreed early on that this — us being together, I mean — does not need to be permanent, but that does not change the fact that I will continue loving you. Even if we should split, I will not stop.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded slowly.</p>
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<p>“I have no plans for such, Ioan,” she added quickly. “You are stuck with me for a good while yet.”</p>
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<p>“What? Oh, no,” ey said, shaking eir head to clear a few too many thoughts. “I trust you on that, May. Just got me thinking. Do you still love all the others you’ve been with?”</p>
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<p>“I have no plans for such,” she added quickly. “You are stuck with me for a good while yet.”</p>
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<p>“What? Oh, no,” ey said, shaking eir head to clear a few too many thoughts. “I trust you on that. Just got me thinking. Do you still love all the others you’ve been with?”</p>
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<p>She laughed. “What I said does not apply just to you. Of course I still love them. Some long-diverged forks of me are even still in relationships with their partners.”</p>
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<p>“So you’ve said. You still love them as the root instance, though?”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “I do not begin relationships as anything other than my root instance. I do not know why, but it does not feel fair of me to do anything but.”</p>
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<p>“Not that I know of, no. It is a firm conviction, so I would imagine that they hold to it, but perhaps some older ones have diverged. We do not speak much.”</p>
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<p>“How many are there, anyway?”</p>
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<p>She lifted her head to dot her nose against eir cheek. “Are you jealous, my dear?” Her voice was calm and curious. Calm enough and curious enough, some distant part of em noted, that it kept em from falling immediately into defensiveness.</p>
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<p>“I get the occasional pangs, more so only on,” ey said after a long moment’s thought. “When ey was first getting settled in eir relationship, Codrin told me about something that Dear had told em shortly after ey’d been forked, “Jealousy is a sign of needs not met”. Whenever I start feeling jealous, that’s usually a sign for me to take a step back and think about what need that might be.”</p>
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<p>“I get the occasional pangs, more so early on,” ey said after a long moment’s thought. “When ey was first getting settled in eir relationship, Codrin told me about something that Dear had told em shortly after ey’d been forked, “Jealousy is a sign of needs not met”. Whenever I start feeling jealous, that’s usually a sign for me to take a step back and think about what need that might be.”</p>
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<p>“See, this is what I like about you, Ioan. You feel a thing and then think about it until you understand it. Sometimes a little too much, but it has served you well.”</p>
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<p>Ey tilted eir cheek to rest it atop her head, a bit of closeness that also served the purpose of stopping her ear-tip from tickling eir neck.</p>
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<p>“I feel a thing and am helpless before it. I cannot but wrap myself up in…it…” she said, pulling out her notebook again to jot down the words as they came. “Love, hatred, hunger, exhaustion. I am built for them all, and I cannot do a thing about them…”</p>
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<p>She shook her head. “I could not do that. I am not built the same as Dear. I am only in multiple relationships in the sense that there are multiple mes, but there is only ever one me involved with one other.”</p>
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<p>“Why?”</p>
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<p>“Because,” she said, rolling onto her back so that she could smile up to em. “I am also helpless before devotion, and that takes the whole of me.”</p>
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<p>“What about Douglas or that night with A Finger Pointing?”</p>
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<p>“I hold no romantic feelings for A Finger Pointing.” She laughed. “She is nice, but in a boss-you-drink-with-on-Fridays sort of way.”</p>
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<p>“What about Douglas or A Finger Pointing?”</p>
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<p>“I hold no romantic feelings for A Finger Pointing.” She laughed. “She is nice, but in a boss-you-drink-with-on-Fridays-and-I-guess-occasionally-have-a-fling-with sort of way.”</p>
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<p>“And Douglas?”</p>
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<p>Her answer was a while in coming. “Were our friendship to head in that direction, I would fork, but I do not foresee that being the case.”</p>
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<p>“Really?” Ey frowned. “Wouldn’t that be awkward? Us going over there to see him and the other you together?”</p>
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<p>Ey laughed and pushed at her until she sat up before sliding off the stage and walking back to eir seat. “Alright. Once more, from the top.”</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-17</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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