update from sparkleup
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<p>As usual, Debarre woke alone.</p>
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<p>End Waking would doubtless be somewhere in the woods, checking snare traps or walking or simply sitting on a rock thinking, having slipped away at first light, quietly and carefully enough not to wake him. Still, they’d gone to bed early enough that the horizon down the hill had only just let go of the sun.</p>
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<p>As usual, Debarre woke alone. End Waking would doubtless be somewhere in the woods, checking snare traps or walking or simply sitting on a rock thinking, having slipped away at first light, quietly and carefully enough not to wake him. Still, they’d gone to bed early enough that the horizon down the hill had only just let go of the sun.</p>
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<p>He slipped out of bed and into his pants — black denim traded in for a dirty green canvas — splashed some water on his face from the barrel nearby, and started the trek back out to the rock where they’d set the fire, figuring that’d be the most likely place to find his boyfriend.</p>
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<p>End Waking was indeed there, crouching before a low fire with a pot for coffee already set above it, but another skunk knelt across from him as well, chatting quietly.</p>
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<p>“Hey May Then My Name,” he said, settling down beside her. “What’re you doing here?”</p>
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<p>“Hey May Then My Name,” he said, settling down beside her. “Whatcha doing here?”</p>
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<p>The skunk started, grinned wide, and leaned in to hug around his shoulders. “Jesus, Debarre, you taking lessons from End Waking? Scared the hell out of me, sneaking up like that.”</p>
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<p>He laughed and returned the hug before reaching for the coffee pot. “Maybe it’s contagious.”</p>
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<p>“Can you imagine a disease so miserable?” the other skunk said, waving the weasel back from the coffee pot. “Our guest here finished what was left. You will have to wait, my dear.”</p>
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<p>“Fine, fine, yes,” she said. “It can wait until after coffee, though. How are you, my dear? I was not expecting you to be back just yet.”</p>
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<p>“It is my fault,” her cocladist said. “A tree fell on me back around–“</p>
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<p>“<em>What?!</em>“</p>
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<p>He shrugged. “There was a wind storm late last year and a tree fell across my tent. It crushed the frame and floor, knocked over the back wall, and impaled my thigh on a splinter.”</p>
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<p>He shrugged. “There was a wind storm late last year and a tree fell across my tent. It crushed the frame and floor, knocked over the back wall, and impaled my thigh on a splintered board.”</p>
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<p>She brought her paws up to cover her muzzle, eyes wide.</p>
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<p>“I am okay,” he said, smiling disarmingly. “But I asked Debarre to return to help me rebuild.”</p>
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<p>“He didn’t want to fork to fix his leg,” the weasel said, rolling his eyes.</p>
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<p>“He didn’t wanna fork to fix his leg,” the weasel said, rolling his eyes.</p>
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<p>“I do not fork often, you know that.”</p>
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<p>“There was a plank through your leg, E.W.,” he retorted. “That wasn’t just going to heal okay on its own.”</p>
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<p>It was the skunk’s turn to roll his eyes. “You are no fun, my dear.”</p>
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<p>Debarre nodded.</p>
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<p>She sighed, smiling weakly at End Waking. “I am glad you are okay, skunk. I would be lost without you.</p>
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<p>“The trees do not know how to kill me, My Then My Name,” End Waking said, frowning. “There is no virus within them. Debarre was right to get me to fork to fix, I will admit, but I would have done anyway had it landed more fully on me.”</p>
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<p>When all that greeted this was silence, he sighed and let his shoulders slump. “I am sorry, you two. I have set up the new camp in a location with sturdier trees. I will endeavor to remain cautious.”</p>
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<p>When all that greeted this was silence, he sighed and let his shoulders slump. “I am sorry. I have set up the new camp in a location with sturdier trees. I will endeavor to remain cautious.”</p>
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<p>May Then My Name crawled around the fire to dot her nose against the skunk’s cheek. He looked uncomfortable, but tolerated the touch.</p>
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<p>“Thank you, my dear,” she said. “I do not mean to lecture. I am just…well, if the coffee is ready, please pour yourself a cup, Debarre, and we will talk.”</p>
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<p>Once they’d settled back down and the kettle was replaced with a pot to cook oatmeal, she began, “To preface, this is nothing serious, I just need to talk with someone who is not Ioan.”</p>
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<p>“Is that a thing that even needs to be done?” Debarre said. “Wasn’t she just leaving you alone before?”</p>
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<p>“Yes, thankfully. It is just…” She frowned, poking at the packed earth with a claw. “That has been necessary to prevent anger, but it has still not been comfortable. There are plenty of people who I no longer see and do not miss, or do miss and think about with some frequency. It was such an uneasy silence.”</p>
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<p>“And you think Ioan’s doing the right thing?”</p>
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<p>“Ey is,” End Waking said. “Ey is ensuring that there remains a distance between you two without it being an unbridged distance. That would just leave you to stew, knowing how you work. The Bălans are perhaps a little awkward at times, but they do not lack all social graces.”</p>
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<p>“Ey is. Ey is ensuring that there remains a distance between you two without it being an unbridged distance. That would just leave you to stew, knowing how you work. You would never let it go and spin yourself into a whirlwind of emotion,” End Waking said. “The Bălans are perhaps a little awkward at times, but they do not lack all social graces.”</p>
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<p>May Then My Name rubbed her paws over her face. “I knooow,” she whined. “And I love em for thinking of that.”</p>
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<p>“You just still resent her,” the other skunk said.</p>
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<p>“Yes.”</p>
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<p>“I know you said it probably isn’t actionable,” Debarre said, poking at the fire with a stick. “But what would you change about the situation?”</p>
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<p>“As in ‘in a perfect world’?”</p>
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<p>“Right, yeah. Perfect world, what would you like?”</p>
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<p>She frowned, watching End Waking dote over the oatmeal, dumpling a pawful of dried fruit into it. Eventually, she said, “I do not know. She has apologized and done what I have requested. She has changed, too, from what Ioan has said. She is trying to be more earnest and willing to engage emotionally. She has been seeing Sarah as well.”</p>
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<p>She frowned, watching End Waking dote over the oatmeal, dumping a pawful of dried fruit into it. Eventually, she said, “I do not know. She has apologized and done what I have requested. She has changed, too, from what Ioan has said. She is trying to be more earnest and willing to engage emotionally. She has been seeing Sarah as well.”</p>
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<p>Debarre nodded. “But it sounds like that’s not it.”</p>
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<p>“No. I think what is missing is contrition. She has apologized for what she has done to me and Ioan and has maybe even begun to make changes. I do not know how to put it, but it feels like she is being earnest without being sincere. She is sorry, but not contrite. She does not feel bad for what she has done. Her apologies are not backed by understanding.”</p>
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<p>“There is no penance,” End Waking said plainly, dishing out the oatmeal into the mugs they’d been using for coffee. “True penance is borne out of feeling bad about what one has done and wanting to change, to make up for it, not merely about responding to how others are reacting.”</p>
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<p>May Then My Name toyed with her oatmeal. “Yes. Maybe she does and just does not know how to show it. I just do not know how to truly believe that.”</p>
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<p>“Worried she’s just acting?” Debarred said, blowing on a still vigorously steaming spoonful of oats.</p>
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<p>“Perhaps. That was ever the dilemma of us going into theatre. Did we love it or did we merely want to become someone else?”</p>
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<p>“Be wary of your pessimism,” End Waking said calmly. “It takes attention and effort, May Then My Name. At least when one has intentionally tamped down emotions to the point that she has. If I could teach her, if either of us could teach her, I think we would, but I do not know that one can learn penance from anyone but oneself.”</p>
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<p>“Be wary of your pessimism,” End Waking said calmly. “It takes attention and effort, May Then My Name, at least when one has intentionally tamped down emotions to the point that she has. If I could teach her, if either of us could teach her, I think we would, but I do not know that one can learn penance from anyone but oneself.”</p>
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<p>She nodded, looking distracted and thoughtful. “If it were as simple as merging down…”</p>
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<p>End Waking stiffened, frowned around his bite of breakfast.</p>
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<p>She smiled to him apologetically. “Sorry, I will stop for now. Thank you both for listening to me bitch.”</p>
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<p>“If you can swing a hammer, then yes, that would be wonderful.”</p>
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<h1 id="ioan-balan-2350">Ioan Bălan — 2350</h1>
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<p>Through some stroke of luck or perhaps some forgetful nature, it was perpetually early summer at Arrowhead Lake, that abandoned mountain lake sim Ioan and May had long ago adopted. Whether or not winter had sacked in their home, they could at least take a summer walk somewhere.</p>
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<p>Through some stroke of luck or perhaps some forgetful nature, it was perpetually early summer at Arrowhead Lake, that abandoned mountain sim Ioan and May had long ago adopted. Whether or not winter had sacked in their home, they could at least take a summer walk somewhere.</p>
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<p>“Winter has its place,” ey’d explained to May when she’d gotten particularly whiny about the snow. “I like the snow so long as I’m inside.”</p>
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<p>“Did you ever even see snow, my dear?”</p>
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<p>Ey’d shrugged. “Sure. We’d get dumped on once or twice a year.”</p>
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<p>“Well, no, but–“</p>
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<p>She’d laughed at em, then, shaking her head. “I miss our porch swing. I miss our lilacs and dandelions. Sometimes, I just want to lay in the grass and overheat. I have been betrayed by our weather.”</p>
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<p>So it was a good escape when it got cold. They could duck off — alone or together — to the lake and head for a walk.</p>
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<p>May had chosen the name Arrowhead Lake over Ioan’s protests that it looked nothing like an arrowhead, being more kidney shaped. The sim itself was tagged Peak Lake#587a9383. Maybe it was just Peak lake? This seemed to have only emboldened her when ey brought it up, and ey was firmly overruled. </p>
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<p>May had chosen the name Arrowhead Lake over Ioan’s protests that it looked nothing like an arrowhead, being more kidney shaped. The sim itself was tagged Peak Lake#587a9383. Maybe it was just Peak lake? This seemed only to have emboldened her when ey brought it up, and ey was firmly overruled. </p>
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<p>Whenever ey walked out there without her, as ey did today, ey’d think on this. Maybe it had little to do with the lake itself. Maybe it had to do with the silhouettes of the pines? Or something to do with way the snow lingered on pointed peaks?</p>
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<p>“Or maybe she’s just a brat,” ey mumbled, smiling to emself as ey walked slowly along the deer trail. “No reasoning with an Odist.”</p>
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<p>Ey’d long wrestled with whether or not they were just normal people. Perhaps Michelle had been — ey’d not spent enough time around her to know, and what time ey had managed had been mostly silence. Toward the end, her conversations were more interruptions than not, although the impression ey’d gotten was that she’d been kind and gentle, while still being the type to care passionately about things — or, more often, people. The impression just hadn’t been a strong one. Not enough time to for it to solidify.</p>
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<p>Ey’d long wrestled with whether or not they were just normal people. Perhaps Michelle had been — ey’d not spent enough time around her to know, and what time ey had managed had been mostly silence. Toward the end, her conversations were more interruptions than not, although the impression ey’d gotten was that she’d been kind and gentle, while still being the type to care passionately about things or, more often, people. The impression just hadn’t been a strong one. Not enough time to for it to solidify.</p>
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<p>Ey’d eventually come to the conclusion, confirmed through discussions with several of the clade, that each of them had begun as a distillation of a singular aspect of Michelle than the whole of her. That wasn’t to say that they weren’t complete in their own right, simply that each was singularly focused on their interests and skills, a perpetual hyperfixation. What was it Codrin and Dear had said? Even True Name was a fully realized person.</p>
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<p>Normal, though? Could one be both a singular facet and normal?</p>
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<p>And maybe it went beyond them. Maybe it’s a dispersionista thing. Ey could see such a habit building even without Michelle’s unique experiences.</p>
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<p>“Well, yes, but still.” Still bouncing, she twirled around behind the couch, tail trailing along behind her. “I will get ready. I am hungry now, so too bad if you are not.”</p>
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<p>One of the things that Ioan appreciated most about J2 over all of the other sushi places May had dragged em to is that it was the most amenable to em eating with eir hands. May was quite nimble with chopsticks — no mean feat with paws and claws — but ey’d never quite picked it up, so being able to eat those little bullets of rice and fish with eir hands suited em quite well.</p>
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<p>It had a channel of water floating along between the booths, small dishes drifting by lazily for the diners to pluck from the water. It obviated the need for any staff, real or constructed, as each dish would be replaced from behind a bend in the river. With no need to pay beyond a token amount of reputation, it simply became a pleasant evening out, plates stacking up at the edge of their table, a tacit contest with other diners.</p>
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<p>“Did you get what you needed out of your walk earlier, my dear?” May asked before popping a bit of yellowtail into her muzzle.</p>
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<p>“Did you get what you needed out of your walk earlier, my dear?” May asked before popping a bit of fish into her muzzle.</p>
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<p>Ey shrugged, finished chewing, and said, “I guess. Was doing some thinking into that feeling that I have to fix every problem in front of me when it comes to relationships.”</p>
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<p>“I have noticed that in you, yes,” she said. “Beyond when we specifically talk about it, I mean.”</p>
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<p>“You have?”</p>
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<p>“You are not a sneaky person, my dear. When it comes up, it is there for me to see.”</p>
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<p>“You are not a sneaky person, Ioan. When it comes up, it is there for me to see.”</p>
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<p>“Oh, uh,” ey stammered, setting eir plate on top of the stack. “Sorry, May.”</p>
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<p>“No, no, you are fine! I accept it in the spirit in which it is given. You want to do right by me and your friends, even when ‘doing right’ is not your responsibility. So long as you do not overstep boundaries, I can at least understand it.”</p>
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<p>“Well, all the same, it’s not like it’s comfortable. I don’t think anyone likes feeling helpless, but I just wish I didn’t get hung up on finding solutions to everything.”</p>
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<p>“How do you mean?”</p>
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<p>“Were you always like this? Did you always want to help when it was something integral to people you care about?”</p>
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<p>Ey frowned.</p>
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<p>“Do not get me wrong, my dear, I am not suggesting one way or another. We have only known each other for a small portion of our lives. Just that Codrin and Sorina both decided to specifically focus on that only recently.”</p>
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<p>“Do not get me wrong, I am not suggesting one way or another. We have only known each other for a small portion of our lives. It is just that Codrin and Sorina both decided to specifically focus on that only recently.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded thoughtfully. “Right. I don’t know, honestly. Maybe? Maybe it’s you, and–“</p>
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<p>She rolled her eyes.</p>
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<p>“No, I mean, maybe it’s you in that you’re the first person I’ve gotten close enough to to wind up feeling like that, at least since I uploaded.”</p>
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<p>The skunk paused in the act of picking another plate from the river, letting it drift on. “Did you feel that way about your brother? Was you uploading your fix?”</p>
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<p>Ey felt eir muscles go rigid, eir jaw clench, eir hands start to tremble. “Uh…well, huh.”</p>
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<p>Ears splayed and eyes wide with alarm, the skunk reached out to take one of eir hands in her own. “I am sorry, Ioan. If I overstepped, I apologize.”</p>
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<p>Letting the skunk lace her fingers with eirs, ey shook eir head to dislodge the slight dizziness that had come with the realization. “Maybe?” Ey forced a smile. “I mean, maybe uploading was my fix for that situation? I don’t know.”</p>
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<p>Letting the skunk lace her fingers with eirs, ey shook eir head to dislodge the slight dizziness that had come with the realization and concomitant panic. “Maybe?” Ey forced a smile. “I mean, maybe uploading was my fix for that situation? I don’t know.”</p>
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<p>She nodded, gave eir hand a gentle squeeze.</p>
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<p>“I think you’re the only person I’ve really loved other than Rareș,” ey said, nudging the conversation back on track to avoid settling into that particular rumination. “That’s what I meant. I want to make things good for you, whether it’s you overflowing, stuff with True Name, or any other number of things that aren’t my responsibility or even under my control.”</p>
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<p>May smiled, the expression veering perilously close to a smirk. “You have said that you want to fix things for True Name at times, too. Are you sure that you are not in love?”</p>
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<p>“I’ve also talked about how often I’ll wind up getting caught off guard by how much you two still look and sound alike,” ey said, smirking right back. “She’s nice and I do want to help her, but I think I’m a ways off from that.”</p>
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<p>She laughed. “I know, I know. You just leave yourself so open, sometimes, a girl cannot help herself. You are also allowed to want to help friends and acquaintances as well as me.”</p>
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<p>“Skunks, I swear…” Ey laughed when she pinched at eir fingers, tugging eir hand back so ey could grab another plate of sushi. “That’s kind of what I was thinking about on the walk, though. I feel weirdly obligated to fix things. It’s not my place to, I don’t think either of you would be comfortable with that, and that’s not even counting whether or not it’s something either of you <em>want</em>.”</p>
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<p>“Skunks, I swear…” Ey laughed when she pinched at eir fingers, tugging eir hand free so ey could grab another plate of sushi. “That’s kind of what I was thinking about on the walk, though. I feel weirdly obligated to fix things. It’s not my place to, I don’t think either of you would be comfortable with that, and that’s not even counting whether or not it’s something either of you <em>want</em>.”</p>
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<p>“I do not know,” she said, shrugging. “I spoke about that with End Waking and Debarre recently, and am no closer to an answer. We did all agree, however, that you doing what you are is a good thing, in that it at least sets up an avenue for change, even if neither True Name nor I do not decide to take that step.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. “I just want things to remain smooth between everyone, is all. Maybe it’s a little…I don’t know, overly conciliatory of me?”</p>
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<p>“Perhaps, but that does not mean it does not have its own utility.”</p>
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<p>It wasn’t until they’d made it back to bed and curled up together that ey was finally able to truly let go of the topic, though; even throughout eir writing, a small portion of eir mind had been dedicated to the question of what eir role was between the two skunks and why it both rankled and felt necessary.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-18</p>
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<p>It wasn’t a shout, no words were behind it. It was a scream of pure, unrestrained emotion, though whether anger, fear, frustration, or something else, ey could not guess.</p>
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<p>Then she turned around and waded back toward the shore, stumbling once or twice, until she gave up and fell to her knees, water up to her waist once more. She beat at the surface of the lake with balled-up fists, growling and crying. Finally, she stopped, slouching over until she had to catch herself on her hands.</p>
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<p>May’s fury, which until that point had been burning hot in her expression, was replaced by something more complicated. Anger, yes, but anxiety and fear as well. “True Name,” she said, voice more under control than it had been. “What happened?”</p>
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<p>“Someone is trying to take me out,” she said between heaving breaths. “Trying to get rid of me.”</p>
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<p>“They are gone. They are all gone. Someone is trying to take me out,” she said between heaving breaths. “Trying to get rid of me.”</p>
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<p>“What? Why?” ey said.</p>
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<p>There was no answer from the skunk.</p>
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<p>“Who, then?”</p>
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<p>Ey couldn’t tear eir eyes off the other skunk, and it took em a few seconds to even work up the concentration to reply. “Shortly before we left, one of her two merges said that Jonas was looking for her.”</p>
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