update from sparkleup
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<p>The next few days after Ioan’s visit and brief explanation about what had happened with True Name were full of long walks and longer silences. End Waking politely requested that Debarre remain behind for the majority of the walks.</p>
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<p>There was a sense in the air that the skunk wanted to ask him to leave again, to fall back into solitude and, though he’d never use the word around him, moping. He’d still talk, still hold up his end of the conversations, but always there would be a slight pause before speaking, always a bit more distance than usual, always something out in the forest that called to him just that much more strongly than the weasel before him.</p>
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<p>It was never comfortable to be asked to leave one’s partner. He knew the reasons, could understand the drive, but to build a relationship up over however many decades it was now, and yet still need to put it on hold for months or, on one occasion, years at a time still hurt.</p>
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<p>He knew he had a temper, too. He’d spent the last centuries going all the way back to Cicero’s death working on setting that aside when he could feel it getting too hot within him. He always worked his hardest at that around End Waking. He loved the skunk, wanted nothing but the best for him, and although he knew that End Waking was one of the more resilient of the Odists, he had also known Michelle far longer than…well, just about anyone possibly could, now. Two and a half centuries was a long time to understand just how the other person processes pain and trauma, and he didn’t want to add to any of the Odists’ burden, having spent so long with them from the beginning. From before the beginning, in some senses.</p>
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<p>He knew he had a temper, too. He’d spent the last centuries going all the way back to Cicero’s death working on setting that aside when he could feel it getting too hot within him. He always worked his hardest at that around End Waking. He loved the skunk, wanted nothing but the best for him, and although he knew that End Waking was one of the more resilient Odists, he had also known Michelle far longer than…well, just about anyone possibly could, now. Two and a half centuries was a long time to understand just how the other person processes pain and trauma, and he didn’t want to add to any of the Odists’ burden, having spent so long with them from the beginning. From before the beginning, in some senses.</p>
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<p>Well, except perhaps True Name.</p>
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<p>There were few enough people he hated in the world, though certainly a great many who grated on his nerves. True Name and her ilk, though, were universally among that number. He knew he could never hurt anyone, but, well, everyone had their fantasies. He knew he should never wish harm befall anyone, but some people…</p>
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<p>This latest development was putting this to the test.</p>
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<p>With the new tent, End Waking had made the default entry point around a small rise from home, leaving it a short walk around — or a shorter but much steeper dash up and over — the ridge.</p>
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<p>Debarre opted for the up and over, nearly tumbling down the other side of the hill to where the form knelt in the clearing. End Waking was just making his way through the trees on the opposite side, so they converged on the visitor at the same time.</p>
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<p>May Then My Name was sobbing. It looked as though she had been for a bit, too, judging by the mess of tear-tracks in the fur of her cheeks.</p>
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<p>There wasn’t much that he could think of to say, so he awkwardly shifted from a crouch to a kneeling position beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and gently tugging her against him. Although he rarely had reason to be comforting to May Then My Name in particular, it was familiar enough from all the way back at the Crown Pub when Sasha’d come back from some break-up or another.</p>
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<p>There wasn’t much that he could think of to say, so he awkwardly shifted from a crouch to a kneeling position beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and gently tugging her against him. Although he rarely had reason to comfort May Then My Name in particular, it was familiar enough from all the way back at the Crown Pub when Sasha’d come back from some break-up or another.</p>
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<p>“I will get water,” End Waking murmured, leaving the physical comfort to someone better able to provide such.</p>
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<p>Her cry must have been nearing its end before she arrived, as she’d settled down to sniffles by the time her cocladist arrived with an enamel mug of water and a damp rag.</p>
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<p>“Can you drink, May Then My Name?” he said gently.</p>
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<p>She nodded and accepted the mug with both paws to hold it steady, taking a few unsteady laps of the water before simply clutching it to her chest. “Thank you,” she croaked, freeing up a paw to accept the damp rag to wipe her face. “I am sorry for so dramatic an entrance.”</p>
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<p>“Hush. You are fine,” End Waking said. “Everything sounded quite dramatic. Please take your time, and we can discuss it later.”</p>
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<p>“Hush. You are fine,” End Waking said. “Everything sounded quite dramatic indeed. Please take your time, and we can discuss it later.”</p>
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<p>She nodded, slouched a little further against Debarre, and sighed shakily.</p>
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<p>He shot a quizzical look over to End Waking, who sent a brief sensorium ping in return. She must have explained a good bit more before arriving, then.</p>
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<p>They sat like that for another five minutes or so, another few bouts of tears hitting the skunk while he tried to be as steady as he could for her, petting over her ears and murmuring reassurances. She’d leaned on AwDae more often than she had on him, all those years ago, but a friend’s shoulder was a friend’s shoulder, and he’d always offered when he could. This was, he supposed, no different.</p>
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<p>She shrugged. “I do not know. It does not feel accurate for me to say that, but I cannot explain why.”</p>
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<p>“Well,” he said, waving the point away. “I’m with you on the feeling torn bit, at least. Was just thinking about that when you showed up. Like, would I celebrate if she died? Or would I feel like there was just that much less of you around?”</p>
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<p>“You think about it from the outside, my love,” End Waking said. “You think about who we were. You have the capacity to do so. May Then My Name and I have diverged so far from True Name that she has become a new entity, and I do not think that we can so easily see Sasha in her.”</p>
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<p>May Then My Name was nodding. “And that is the source of at least some of my resentment towards her. I cannot see Sasha in her, and yet I was created from her. I see that of Sasha in myself, the caring side of her who got lost looking for lost friends, and while I can <em>remember</em> those few years that I was True Name, I am not that person. I do not feel like I ever was that person. Becoming me was waking up from a dream.”</p>
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<p>May Then My Name nodded toward End Waking. “And that is the source of at least some of my resentment towards her. I cannot see Sasha in her, and yet I was created from her. I see that of Sasha in myself, the caring side of her who got lost looking for lost friends, and while I can <em>remember</em> those few years that I was True Name, I am not that person. I do not feel like I ever was that person. Becoming me was waking up from a dream.”</p>
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<p>“A nightmare, perhaps,” the other skunk murmured.</p>
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<p>“You and I have different resentments. I would say an unnerving dream that makes me all the happier to be what I am now.”</p>
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<p>“You are a better person than I.”</p>
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<p>“So,” Debarre said between bites. “Anything else you can tell us about what True Name said?”</p>
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<p>The other skunk stacked a bite of griddle cake on top of a bite of venison and chewed thoughtfully. At last, she sighed, saying, “I do not want to talk about too much of it, not aloud. It is too close to the surface as yet and I will turn into a sobbing mess. Again, I mean.”</p>
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<p>“Of course, no rush.”</p>
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<p>“Right. Well, Jonas got her involved with something in the late 2130s. It was sort of a side…thing, very hush-hush but it still has taken up at least a small part of her attention ever since. It was all very low-level stuff — low enough that it flew beneath even her radar — and I guess after Launch, he dropped it all on her in a meeting similar to what he had promised for Secession day. All that time had turned into a lever to use against her, and I think that, whether she realizes it or not, relatively little has been done of her own accord since then.”</p>
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<p>“Right. Well, Jonas got her involved with something in the late 2130s. It was sort of a side…thing, very hush-hush but it still has taken up at least a small part of her attention ever since. It was all very low-level stuff — low enough that it flew beneath even her radar — and I guess after Launch, he dropped it all on her in a meeting similar to what he had promised for Secession day. All that time had turned into a lever to use against her, and I think that, whether she realizes it or not, relatively little has been done of her own accord since then here on Lagrange.”</p>
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<p>Debarre nodded, waiting for her to say more, to which she eventually shook her head. “I am sorry. I need at least a few days to be able to process it. I cannot even think about it without wanting to…I do not know. I want to quit and force a merge on her. I want <em>you</em> to force a merge on her,” she said, nodding to End Waking. “I want her to know something other than herself.”</p>
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<p>The skunk sat up straighter. “So you have hinted, yes. Why, though? Why would you want her to feel that resentment? Why do you think she would be able to internalize my penance? Why the fuck do you–“</p>
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<p>“E.W.,” Debarre murmured. “Cool it.”</p>
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<p>“Confirmation at last,” End Waking said dreamily.</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-06</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-13</p>
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</footer>
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</main>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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@ -73,16 +73,16 @@
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</li>
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<li class="done3"> Conflict — After assassination attempt on TN, learn about TN getting pushed out by Jonas, May offers to merge down, turns into big discussion<ul>
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<li class="done4"> <em>To hone is to trade ends for perpetual perfection</em> — The danger in ceaseless memorialization is how close it lies to idolatry. To elevate the dead to such a status as false god (for what being that is limited to the perfection of memory is not false?) is to ceaselessly perfect the imperfectable.</li>
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<li class="done3"> CHAPTER Ioan 2350<ul>
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<li class="done4"> CHAPTER Ioan 2350<ul>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="009.html">May’s No Way 2</a> — Upset about the situation; that it’s politics is bringing up a lot more bad feelings about True Name</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="010.html">Clearing the house</a> — Ioan goes to clear the house and lock down ACLs. Bounces all the assassins, meets Jonas and talks with him for a bit. He’s a dick. They still decide to stay the night at the lake with some basic camping amenities, EW comes over to help, TN is elsewhere, stomping around the lake off sending messages and such (EW brings two of things, Ioan corrects to three)</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="011.html">TN’s No Way 2</a> — Trying to salvage this, confronting the reality based on what Ioan passes on from Jonas (that afternoon)</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="012.html">Something innocent</a> — TN moves in with Ioan and May through attached townhouse, trying to figure out how to work this so there’s no cat^H^H^Hskunkfights</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="013.html">Bone Town</a> — TN talks with May about Jonas in CoS. Later, she comes up with the idea to merge down (needs to be filled out)</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="013.html">Bone Town</a> — TN talks with May about Jonas in CoS. Later, she comes up with the idea to merge down (needs to be filled out)</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li class="done3"> CHAPTER Debarre 2350<ul>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="014.html">May’s Wallow 1</a> — May comes over distraught, they talk, she suggests he merge down (has a few reasons why, but doesn’t express them super well)</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="014.html">May’s Wallow 1</a> — May comes over distraught, they talk, she suggests he merge down (has a few reasons why, but doesn’t express them super well)</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="015.html">Debarre and EW talk</a> — May leaves, Debarre and EW get their bed back in the tent and talk about what the merge would look like and mean for both him and TN, thinks he might so long as May agrees to merge down in the future as well.</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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