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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2023-06-10 10:50:09 -07:00
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writing/3/unknown-things/iyov/reverse/younes.html
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<p>I was going by Makyo at that point, had been for a few years. Those around me, those within furry spaces at least, saw me as that well-dressed arctic fox, the one in the subtly pinstriped suit based off my old suit from jazz choir. It was the most comfortable performance of masculinity that I could manage: one based off looking good. Not looking masculine, per se, just looking good. Looking nice. A focus on clothes, on looking good with the knowledge of how to look good. There was, in retrospect, a desire for some shallow interpretation of femininity involved in this.</p>
<p>It wasn&rsquo;t enough, though. I needed something more. More explicit. More integral.</p>
<p>Enter Younes.</p>
<p>Looking back, coming up with a character that looks male, has that plausible deniability of masculinity, yet could engage with femininity on his own terms in more intimate settings was the perfect vessel for exploration.</p>
<p>Looking back, coming up with a character that looks male, has that plausible deniability of masculinity, yet could engage with femininity on his own terms in more intimate settings was the perfect vessel for exploration. There are many terms for such a bodily configuration, one with both masculine and feminine primary sexual characteristics. Most of them are awful, but the one that many have landed on, purpose-built to be affirming rather than denigrating, is &lsquo;altersex&rsquo;.</p>
<p>I can&rsquo;t even seem to write about this without leaning heavily on the clinical. Something this fraught, this embarrassing, is difficult to write about, but it remains integral to the story. How can I possibly put something like this down on paper? How can I possibly admit to something like this, after the fact? How can I– but that&rsquo;s the me of today writing. That&rsquo;s the me who went through this whole series of events, who decided to toy with the form she presented to that particular segment of the world, to feel tentatively around the edges of gender and search for the tender spots. I was young, once, remember? And dumb.</p>
<p>And that isn&rsquo;t to say that I disrespect those for whom this is their own lived identity, or those for whom this is their own lived experience. Plenty who aim for this altersex goal do so because that&rsquo;s how they see themselves.</p>
<p>I don&rsquo;t remember if that&rsquo;s how I saw myself. I just remember I certainly no longer saw myself as Matthew.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-05-10</p>
<p>Page generated on 2023-06-10</p>
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