update from sparkleup

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.html

@@ -50,8 +50,7 @@
 <p>I do very little on a whim. I plan and organize and I watch and wait until I find just the right moment to act and then I do so, and yet to go from being a seminarian to not in the span of a few short days &mdash; the decision was all but instantaneous, and then it was just a matter of paperwork &mdash; to this day feels incredibly unlike me.</p>
 <p>There are days in which it feels like a dream: not in that I don&rsquo;t believe it, so much as the lack of engagement with the idea beforehand did not give my mind time to prepare and internalize the enormity of what I was doing, and so even these many years later, I catch myself beginning those internal dialogs, setting up argument after argument for why I should leave my chosen path for another, and then with an electric jolt, or the sensation of missing a stair on a staircase, or perhaps the rush of a near accident on the road, I realize that the thing I am trying to rationalize has already been completed: the battery contacts bridged, the step missed, the red light run. I have already left and there is no arguments to be made.</p>
 <p>And then, as with today, I struggle to try and justify this decision to myself. I have talked with Jeremy &mdash; the skunk is an atheist, but well read in many religions &mdash; and I have talked with my fellows in the church and I have talked with God. The church would welcome me back to pastoral life, I think, were I to want such a thing, I have not abandoned God. If anything, I have grown closer to Him since leaving the path to priesthood.</p>
-<p>But that door nonetheless seems shut to me. I made the decision, however brashly, and there is nothing more to be done. It was the <em>right</em> decision, too. It was right at the time and it remains so to this day. <q class="comment">Something snapped within me and I realized that the church&rsquo;s insistence on being a guiding force only in the lives of the followers of the church &mdash; a church whose attendance has been steadily declining these last hundred years &mdash; does not mesh well with the message we profess to espouse. Help, yes. Feed the hungry, clothe the poor, house the homeless. But not guide. Guidance comes from God, we were taught at that school, and so any guidance that we as mere mortals might provide must perforce come in the fashion of encouraging believers to strengthen their faith and for non-believers to become believers.<span class="attribution">Rewrite</span></q></p>
-<p><q class="comment">I know that, in practice, many of the clergy do in fact provide guidance on a much more earthly level than they were taught in my MDiv courses, but to me, to poor Dee Kimana who follows the rules too literally, that this goal was not stated outright felt like we were being taught to construct a wall between those within the church who were somehow more worthy of learning how to live fuller, more complete lives, and those outside who were, in some unspoken way, not.<span class="attribution">Rewrite</span></q></p>
+<p>But that door nonetheless seems shut to me. I made the decision, however brashly, and there is nothing more to be done. It was the <em>right</em> decision, too. It was right at the time and it remains so to this day.</p>
 <p>The rightness isn&rsquo;t the problem, it was the speed. It was the ease of the decision. How could I possibly have known that that was the right thing to do? I jumped ship from my path toward ministry and straight into a masters program in psychology. Helpful for providing guidance, yes, but what could possibly have caused me to act so far outside the norm? <em>My</em> norm?</p>
 <p>It was at this point that Jeremy got a strange look on his face and I stopped talking. He said something along the lines of, &ldquo;Why are you talking about this, Dee?&rdquo;</p>
 <p>I remember shrugging and saying, &ldquo;It&rsquo;s still on my mind. I&rsquo;ve been thinking a lot about how it is that we know what the right decision is.&rdquo;</p>

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/05-no-way-2.html

@@ -56,9 +56,7 @@
 <p>When I brought this up with Jeremy during one of our sessions a few months ago, speaking specifically to the stress that I felt in masking around someone who existed in such a high state of activation at all times, he asked if I had greater trouble masking around those who experienced strong egodystonic symptoms and feelings than those who experienced strong egosyntonic symptoms.</p>
 <p>At the time, I explained it thus. Those egodystonic disorders, the ones that impede upon the patient&rsquo;s life, brushing their fur the wrong way and leaving them in discomfort or pain, often lead to high-stress situations where I find myself struggling with the task of expressing appropriate emotions, engaging that visible sort of empathy that helps so much with patients and which I feel I must constantly practice. I find myself wanting to disengage in order to protect myself. Avert my eyes. Cross my arms. Close myself off from the stressors before me.</p>
 <p>Egosyntonic symptoms, where detrimental feelings, symptoms, or thoughts do not disturb the patient&rsquo;s sense of identity, are far easier for me to mask around. It feels much more natural for me to try and engage with a patient with visible empathy if my goal is to try and help them understand that a behavior might be damaging to themselves or others. At that point, masking is a tool in my kit.</p>
-<p>I suspect that this habit may stem from my early connection with the church. If an individual sins, knows that it is a sin, and struggles with that, it is far more uncomfortable than if an individual sins, does not consider it a sin, and cannot see the spiritual consequences that they might thus face. With the former, I struggle to mask because it is their goal, their work, their job to find their way back to the path, but with the latter, with the sinner from outside the church, they must be met with empathy, for they know not what they do, etc. etc.</p>
-<p><q class="comment">This ties in quite neatly with my reasons for steering away from ministry: my instincts were in direct opposition to much of my training. Parishioners were to be treated with the greatest empathy while the sinners from outside were to be shunned and set aside.<span class="attribution">Rewrite</span></q></p>
-<p><q class="comment">Yet are not parishioners blessed with the knowledge of the path that is before them? And are not the sinners ignorant of the path all the more deserving of our attention and care for that?<span class="attribution">Rewrite</span></q></p>
+<p>I suspect that this habit may stem from my early connection with the church. If an individual sins, knows that it is a sin, and struggles with that, it is far more uncomfortable than if an individual sins, does not consider it a sin, and cannot see the spiritual consequences that they might thus face. With the former, I struggle to mask because it is their goal, their work, their job to find their way back to the path, but with the latter, with the one who sins in ignorance, they must be met with empathy, for they know not what they do, etc. etc.</p>
 <p>Ah well.</p>
 <p>All this to say that I am starting to come to the conclusion that limerence is the egodystonic form of attraction.</p>
 <p>I suspect there must be some similarity to addiction here; the overwhelming pungency of limerence is not pleasant. It is a thing that must be maintained, just as a high-functioning addiction must be maintained. One must have that drink at the end of the day. It feels bad to drink it, it feels bad after, it feels bad to <em>need</em> it in order to maintain a functional life.</p>