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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-05-17 22:35:15 -07:00
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writing/post-self/mitzvot/019.html
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<p>Ey finished eir coffee and toyed with the empty mug, rotating it first this way and then that on the table while ey thought. Eventually, the two skunks fell into quiet, polite conversation, talking about something ey was too distracted to care about.</p>
<p>They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think.</p>
<p>That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May. Ey did not have an image to maintain, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something &mdash; May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name &mdash; suddenly forced the issue.</p>
<p>Ey didn&rsquo;t know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged firmly in place. Ey couldn&rsquo;t think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that desire? A desire to help her become a better person? A fit of pique?</p>
<p>Ey didn&rsquo;t know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged firmly in place. They&rsquo;d talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn&rsquo;t think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that desire? A desire to help her become a better person? A fit of pique?</p>
<p>It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.</p>
<p>&ldquo;Ioan?&rdquo;</p>
<p>Ey started out of eir rumination. &ldquo;Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?&rdquo;</p>
@ -74,7 +74,7 @@
<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not actually sure. Maybe a little because you had a hand in End Waking merging down, but I think mostly the talk this morning about Debarre and, uh&hellip;Zacharias, was it?&rdquo;</p>
<p>She nodded.</p>
<p>&ldquo;I think that made me think of it because until this point, it&rsquo;s all been happening at one layer of remove for me. She&rsquo;s my friend and I like her as such, but she&rsquo;s not my cocladist or coworker. I&rsquo;m not in a relationship with her. None of this has been happening with her as someone I&rsquo;m super close to.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;But if I merge down, she will remember having been in a relationship with you.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;But if I merge down, she will remember having been in a relationship with you. You will be more directly involved.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Yeah.&rdquo;</p>
<p>They lay in silence for a bit. Ey didn&rsquo;t know what May was thinking about, but ey kept cycling over just how much ey and eir partner had shared over the last few months alone, all those little bits of affection and physicality when True Name had expressed on more than one occasion that such simply wasn&rsquo;t for her, all the private conversations they&rsquo;d shared with the understanding that they&rsquo;d remain such.</p>
<p>&ldquo;I will admit that I have been thinking about it,&rdquo; she said, then lifted her snout to dot her nose on the underside eir chin. &ldquo;But after the last few days and coming to terms with what that would actually mean for her, I am feeling much more cautious about the prospect.&rdquo;</p>