update from sparkleup
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<p>Ioan,</p>
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<p>A part of me has died. I do not know what to say.</p>
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<p>When one forks, one’s down-tree instance should not change, right? They should just be the same, yes? They continue on as they were, and the only mark left by forking is the memory of having done so. I’m <em>know</em> this. Dear has assured me of this. It’s how the System works, how it must work.</p>
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<p>When one forks, one’s down-tree instance should not change, right? They should just be the same, yes? They continue on as they were, and the only mark left by forking is the memory of having done so. I <em>know</em> this. Dear has assured me of this. It’s how the System works, how it must work.</p>
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<p>But for some reason, that isn’t what happened. </p>
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<p>Let me start over.</p>
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<p>After all that happened, after all the decisions that had already been made, it felt like there was one more that needed to happen. I needed to figure out what I was going to do about myself with regards to Artemis. I asked surprisingly few people for advice on this. I mentioned it briefly to my partners, and Dear thought it was an okay idea, though I could tell that neither of them were totally sold on the idea.</p>
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<p>On looking back, it’s weird how little agency we attribute to our forks at first. The biggest complaint against the idea that they had was that they didn’t want to see how much the fork I sent would miss me. █████ was the one who wound up selling Dear on the idea, oddly enough, by reminding it just how much individuation can happen. It’s been stuck in instance artistry too long, not letting itself deviate because its instances simply don’t last long enough.</p>
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<p>That was the origin of Sorina. Sorina Bălan, third of our clade, born at sunrise. I took that idea to heart and, when I decided to fork last week, I pushed individuation as hard and as fast as I could. I had a hundred paces to do so, a hundred steps between cairns to make sure that she was herself and that I remained myself.</p>
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<p>And yet I’m not sure I did remain myself. A part of me died, and I do not know what to say about that. I pushed individuation on her — and see, here I go, taking her agency from her! — while I did my best to stay the same, to simply walk the prairie and think only of home and of Dear and of █████ and not of Artemis and a life without them. I didn’t think of names. I didn’t think of time skew or forking. I didn’t think of anything but the pending sunrise.</p>
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<p>I also didn’t think of forgetting, and I think that’s what got me over the weekend. Sorina and I seem to have been of one mind that we’d give it a bit of time before getting in touch with each other, but she hasn’t left my thoughts since we forked. She <em>can’t</em> leave my thoughts. I <em>can’t</em> forget her.</p>
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<p>And yet I’m not sure I <em>did</em> remain myself. A part of me died, and I do not know what to say about that. I pushed individuation on her — and see, here I go, taking her agency from her! — while I did my best to stay the same, to simply walk the prairie and think only of home and of Dear and of █████ and not of Artemis and a life without them. I didn’t think of names. I didn’t think of time skew or forking. I didn’t think of anything but the pending sunrise.</p>
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<p>I also didn’t think of forgetting, and that’s what got me over the weekend. Sorina and I seem to have been of one mind that we’d give it a bit of time before getting in touch with each other, but she hasn’t left my thoughts since we forked. She <em>can’t</em> leave my thoughts. I <em>can’t</em> forget her.</p>
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<p>But I realized she can forget me. She can forget us.</p>
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<p>There may come a day — and I pray that that ‘may’ is accurate, for my sake if nothing else — when she cannot remember Dear, cannot remember any of us, cannot remember why we love the ones we do. For all of the complaints about our impeccable memories, this is one instance that I struggle to see myself living without.</p>
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<p>There may come a day — and I pray that that ‘may’ is accurate, for my sake if nothing else — when she cannot remember me, cannot remember any of us, cannot remember why we love the ones we do. For all of the complaints about our impeccable memories, this is one instance that I struggle to see myself living without.</p>
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<p>What do I do? How do I live with the life I’ve created for myself? How do I internalize that a part of me has died?</p>
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<p>I’m sorry, Ioan. There’s nothing I can do about any of this, and certainly nothing you can do, however many hundreds of billions of kilometers away. I write because there is a sort of stability in you that has rusted in me. It has frozen all of my joints and so I risk cracking while you remain firmly rooted and flexible.</p>
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<p>I’m sorry, Ioan.</p>
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<p>Pass on my love.</p>
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<p>- C</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-14</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-11-01</p>
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<p>Codrin and Codrin,</p>
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<p>I hope that you and yours are well. All of this news from Castor quickly got overwhelming and I know I’ve not been as good as I would like at keeping up with things that are not just “holy shit, aliens”. I have a few updates.</p>
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<p>The first is that, surprising no one, I’ve been contracted to write a play about our visitors by A Finger Pointing. I’ve been reading all of your updates, #Castor, and certainly the knowledge is worth quite a bit on its own, but can I ask for some information about the moods throughout? If I’m to pull together a story out of this, that will be more useful in the context of a play than the facts. Besides, it’s not like we can do much in the way of fact checking from where we are. I’ve attached what I have, though obviously it’ll be a month out of date by the time you get it (and two months by the time you answer).</p>
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<p>The first is that, surprising no one, I’ve been contracted by A Finger Pointing to write a play about our visitors. I’ve been reading all of your updates, #Castor, and certainly the knowledge is worth quite a bit on its own, but can I ask for some information about the moods throughout? If I’m to pull together a story out of this, that will be more useful in the context of a play than the facts. Besides, it’s not like we can do much in the way of fact checking from where we are. I have plenty of flexibility there. I’ve attached what I have, though obviously it’ll be a month out of date by the time you get it (and two months by the time you answer).</p>
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<p>Second, I’m sorry to say that End Waking has requested that Debarre give him some space for a bit again. I know that you two never got the chance to meet him and that I gush about him every time he comes up, but he really is delightful, and I wish him the best in his solitude, however long it might last.</p>
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<p>May and I visited Debarre for dinner after we got the news and spent a bit of time talking about it. I was pleased to learn that these separations don’t come with any ire, just a simple request and understanding. He seemed really calm, even a bit relieved about it. Apparently the weeks leading up to being asked to leave are a little awkward, as he put it.</p>
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<p>May and I visited Debarre for dinner after we got the news and spent a bit of time talking about it. I was pleased to learn that these separations don’t come with any ire, just a simple request and understanding. He seemed really calm, even a bit relieved about it. Apparently the weeks leading up to being asked to leave are a little awkward.</p>
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<p>I think part of why this came when it did is due to the convergence. I know that Debarre is still far more plugged into the news of the System than I, and given that End Waking has essentially opted out, I can see that being an uncomfortable divide.</p>
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<p>Finally and perhaps most impactful for me, I had the chance to meet with True Name during convergence. Even after a month of thinking about the meeting, I’m still unsure what to make of it.</p>
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<p>Finally and perhaps most impactful for me, I had the chance to meet one-on-one with True Name during convergence. Even after a month of thinking about the meeting, I’m still unsure what to make of it.</p>
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<p>I, like you two, had the chance to interview her a few times during the process of pulling together the <em>History</em>, so I had been expecting the same frightful competence that I saw twenty-odd years ago.</p>
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<p>I did not.</p>
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<p>It’s difficult for me to describe the ways in which she’s changed. She’s overworked, perhaps? She looks like she’s stretched herself too thin to keep up as well as she used to. I know that she mentioned that the tone of our interviews was carefully constructed in order to shape the narrative, and that the emotions she put on display where deliberately chosen for the role she was playing, but…well, I wasn’t expecting to make her cry.</p>
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<p>It’s difficult for me to describe the ways in which she’s changed. She’s…overworked, perhaps? She looks like she’s stretched herself too thin to keep up as well as she used to. I know that she mentioned that the tone of our interviews was carefully constructed in order to shape the narrative, and that the emotions she put on display were deliberately chosen for the role she was playing, but…well, I wasn’t expecting to make her cry.</p>
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<p>And yet from what you two have said, other than her experience on Artemis, she’s still going strong on both the LVs.</p>
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<p>I don’t really know what to do with this information, honestly. I keep thinking about things I could have said or questions I could have asked, but it always gets muddled up in my head given her similarities to May. I’ve spent so long with May that seeing someone as similar to her as True Name is in distress, yet be unable to comfort in the same ways I might has me rudderless.</p>
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<p>Either way, I’ve set up another meeting with her now that convergence news has settled into a more steady stream, so I guess we’ll see where that leads.</p>
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<p>May has taken these two meetings surprisingly well, I’ll note. She mentioned that, given our position as Bălans leaves us liable to come into contact with her again in the future, so we might as well ensure that it’s not so jarring as it was that first night we found out about Artemis.</p>
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<p>I know she’s been working on her feelings about this with Sarah, so I’m happy to see a little less fury in her than I used to. She got really quiet during that conversation before admitting that the reason she wound up feeling as she did about True Name was due to the <em>History</em> itself. She hadn’t known about True Name’s subtle nudging of Michelle/Sasha with regards to both Launch and her death until we put it to paper.</p>
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<p>We seem to be inextricably entangled with the Ode clade, and while I love May dearly and I know that you two love Dear, it sometimes feels a little like being trapped.</p>
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<p>Anyway, all that to say that True Name’s having a rough time here, and I’m hoping that she’s getting what she needs out of talking with Sarah. Never thought I’d say such, but I’m worried about her.</p>
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<p>May has taken these two meetings surprisingly well, I’ll note. She mentioned that, given our position, that leaves us liable to come into contact with her again in the future, so we might as well ensure that it’s not so jarring as it was that first night we found out about Artemis.</p>
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<p>I know she’s been working on her feelings about this with Sarah, so I’m happy to see a little less fury in her than I used to. She got really quiet during that conversation before admitting that the reason she wound up feeling as she did about True Name was due to the <em>History</em> itself. She hadn’t known about True Name’s subtle nudging of Michelle/Sasha with regards to both Launch and her death until we put it to paper. We both agree that that’s helped her calm down the most: just being able to name the source.</p>
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<p>Still, it’s a lot. We seem to be inextricably entangled with the Ode clade, and while I love May dearly and I know that you two love Dear, it sometimes feels a little like being trapped.</p>
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<p>Anyway, all that to say that True Name’s having a rough time here, and I’m hoping that she’s able to get in touch with Sarah. Never thought I’d say such, but I’m worried about her.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin Bălan#Castor Individual-Eyes-Only Material</strong></p>
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<p>I’m also worried about you. Your last letter led to a few conversations between May and I about individuation, but also about the topic of separation in more general terms. I understand that you two did your best to diverge as quickly as possible, and I can’t even imagine that.</p>
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<p>I’m also worried about you. Your last letter led to a few conversations between May and I about it, but also about the topic of individuation in more general terms. I understand that you two did your best to diverge as quickly as possible, and I can’t even imagine that.</p>
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<p>I know that when you became Codrin, that was not something that I’d foreseen, and despite the surface similarities, this feels different. It’s a new thing for us, I think. You two were borne out of the changes that the Odists wrought on us, but Sorina was borne out of changes coming from within.</p>
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<p>I know that I risk our messages passing each other through the great big nothing between us, so perhaps there’s more already on the way, but perhaps you can tell me more about her, or about the both of you?</p>
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<p>To be clear, this isn’t about the play. I spent some time talking with Sarah about it and she had some suggestions for what my role in this matter is. Doubtless you’ve been speaking with her about your role, and perhaps you and Sorina are still talking things through, but Sarah’s suggestion was that I can at least be someone you trust with the whole of your experience with her, not just the negative aspects. She mentioned that a healthy path through grieving involves reinforcing the good memories, and while you may not have had time to form many of those, doubtless you still have impressions and thoughts surrounding both the experience of individuation and her as a person. What do you like best about her? What are your hopes for her? What wishes do you have?</p>
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<p>To be clear, none of this is for the play. I spent some time talking with Sarah about it and she had some suggestions for what my role in this matter is. Doubtless you’ve been speaking with her about your role, and perhaps you and Sorina are still talking things through, but but maybe Sarah has some suggestions? Maybe you can tell me more about her, too — the good things you remember, in particular. What do you like best about her? What are your hopes for her? What wishes do you have?</p>
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<p>Lean on those around you to whatever level you’re comfortable with, and know that I’m here, firmly rooted as you say. I’ll offer all that I can.</p>
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<p>Be safe above all.</p>
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<p>The next section is just to inform #Pollux that you sent a fork to Artemis without details.</p>
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<p>The previous section for #Castor surrounds eir decision to send a fork to Artemis. Without sharing too much, it’s led to a lot of inner strife for em. I’m worried, but that’s nothing new. Either way, just wanted to provide some context. I’ll leave any further information up to em to pass on.</p>
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<p><strong>End Codrin Bălan#Pollux Individual-Eyes-Only Material</strong></p>
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<p>I hope things are going well despite all these dramatic goings on. May and I send our love to you and yours.</p>
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<p>Ioan</p>
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<p>Ioan Bălan</p>
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</article>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-24</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-11-01</p>
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<p><em>Note:</em> With the events of the last ten years, there’s been a lot changes shaking out in the clade when it comes to relationships. Collecting all of these here so that I can keep them handy for when things doubtless need further shaking out in the future. For the sake of comfortable through-reading, all eyes-only metadata has been stripped, but trust that everything was eyes-only to the named recipients. I’ve kept the timestamps as the message-sent time in the metadata. It’s been thirty years and I’m still struggling with transmission delays.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<ol>
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<li class="done2"> Exposition<ol>
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<li class="done3"> Exposition<ol>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="001.html">Codrin#Castor → Ioan</a>: tearful letter re: Sorina</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="002.html">Ioan → clade</a>: first meeting with True Name</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="003.html">Codrin#Castor → clade</a>: on convergence</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="004.html">Sorina → Ioan</a>: greetings (on S+L day)</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="002.html">Ioan → clade</a>: first meeting with True Name</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="003.html">Codrin#Castor → clade</a>: on convergence</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="004.html">Sorina → Ioan</a>: greetings (on S+L day)</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="005.html">Codrin#Castor → Ioan, #Pollux</a>: Struggling re: Sorina and silence</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="006.html">Sorina → Ioan</a>: I love you letter</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="007.html">Codrin#Pollux → clade</a>: Dear’s partner is gone, serene is back</li>
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