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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-07-14 11:40:15 -05:00
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writing/post-self/mitzvot/019.html
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<p>As if on some hidden signal, they moved to the dining table to drink their coffees, all apparently too tired to do much else.</p>
<p>It was True Name who finally broke the silence, speaking quietly, more down to her coffee than anything. &ldquo;I find myself caught off-guard by the sudden ending of the merge. I have never experienced that with any other merger. Perhaps it is down to individuation.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;How do you mean?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;I remember going to sleep here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May, and then everything stops.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;I remember going to sleep here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May Then My Name, and then everything stops.&rdquo;</p>
<p>May&rsquo;s ears flicked back and she ducked her snout, looking abashed. &ldquo;I did not think of that. I am sorry. I will apologize to them as well.&rdquo;</p>
<p>True Name lifted her gaze and smiled faintly to May. &ldquo;I do not think you need to worry too much, my dear. We&ndash; they discussed it a few nights ago. It was something as a shock to be used to sleeping alone and also to not have someone in bed with me.</p>
<p>&ldquo;I think May would explode without someone in bed with her,&rdquo; Ioan said, hoping to keep the mood light.</p>
@ -55,7 +55,8 @@
<p>They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think.</p>
<p>That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May. Ey did not have an image to maintain, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something &mdash; May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name &mdash; suddenly forced the issue.</p>
<p>Ey didn&rsquo;t know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged firmly in place. They&rsquo;d talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn&rsquo;t think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that desire? A desire to help her become a better person? A fit of pique?</p>
<p>It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.</p>
<p>Or, no, that wasn&rsquo;t it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that&rsquo;s something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it&rsquo;s all ey could think to do in order to fix this friction. </p>
<p>So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.</p>
<p>&ldquo;Ioan?&rdquo;</p>
<p>Ey started out of eir rumination. &ldquo;Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?&rdquo;</p>
<p>May grinned. &ldquo;A little, but also you have been standing there for quite a while and you promised us coffee.&rdquo;</p>
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<p>That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one made for pleasant dreams.</p>
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