From 583590f1166389609ec4b4f58e6423a3cf4d90ff Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Mon, 2 Aug 2021 20:15:19 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] update from sparkleup --- .../limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.html | 15 +++++++-------- 1 file changed, 7 insertions(+), 8 deletions(-) diff --git a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.html b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.html index 01d5fd066..c3488ca50 100644 --- a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.html +++ b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.html @@ -80,18 +80,17 @@

I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.

What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left Saint John’s. She knew this fact, of course, we’d talked about it before.

What she did not know, however, was that I had left of my own accord. At some point along the way, she had picked up on the idea that perhaps I had been ushered out unwillingly. When pressed as to why, she said,

-

K> Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.

+

5:31 PM Kay> Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.

My reply:

-

D> Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.

+

5:31 PM Dee> Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.

This probably would have been the best time for me to broach the topic, but I can point to this spot definitively as where I chickened out. Instead, I continued,

-

D> What lead to that assessment? I’m curious.

-

K> I’m not sure. You’re a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.

-

D> I think I’m just terrible at communicating.

-

K> Also a possibility!

+

5:33 PM Dee> What lead to that assessment? I’m curious.

+

5:33 PM Kay> I’m not sure. You’re a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.

+

5:33 PM Dee> I think I’m just terrible at communicating.

+

5:33 PM Kay> Also a possibility!

From there I explained much of what I had talked about earlier, about how I started to doubt my calling, rather than my faith or scriptures, and yet how my decision to leave had come suddenly enough to surprise even myself.

Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the school itself.

-

Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because I strove to reassure them that there were no hints of apostasy? Was it because they, on some level, agreed with me?This should be rewritten with Discernment taken into account

-

Or was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?

+

!{Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?

Was I preempting them asking me to leave by leaving, myself?

I don’t know how I feel about this thought. I will pray on it, of course, but as much as the church is in service of God, I do not think that this is necessarily his domain.

Perhaps I should get in touch with the school, or maybe some of my old classmates.