update from sparkleup
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<!-- Would they really be sleeping? -->
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<p>One by one, the other Marshans stepped away from Reed and Hanne’s sim until it was just the two of them standing, the fire crackling, the weight of the evening hanging over, between them. They stood in silence for a few long moments before Reed stumbled back over to the couch and fell heavily into the cushions. He buried his face in his hands and only then let the grief take him.</p>
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<p>Hanne sat beside him, got her arm around his back, and rested her head on his shoulder, letting the wave of emotion overcome him. At first, she asked if he was alright, then she whispered a few “I’m sure it’ll be alright”s and “it’s going to be okay”s before eventually just sitting with him in silence.</p>
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<p>“This is really fucking weird,” he said once he was able to speak again. The sound of speech echoed strangely in his head, muffled in that post-cry mess. “I don’t even know who I’m crying for. It’s not like they were a parent, but they weren’t me, either.”</p>
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<p>One by one, the other Marshans step away from my and Hanne’s sim until it’s just the two of us, the fire crackling, the weight of the evening hanging over, between us. We stand in silence for a few long moments before I stumble back over to the couch and fall heavily into the cushions. I bury my face in my hands and only then let the grief take me.</p>
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<p>Hanne sits beside me, gets her arm around my back. She rests her head on my shoulder, letting the wave of emotion overcome me. At first, she asks if I’m alright, then she whispers a few “I’m sure it’ll be alright”s and “it’s going to be okay”s before eventually just sitting with me in silence.</p>
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<p>“This is really fucking weird,” I say once I’m able to speak again. The sound of speech echoes strangely in my head, muffled in that post-cry mess. “I don’t even know who I’m crying for. It’s not like they were a parent, but they weren’t me, either.”</p>
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<p>“A bit of both, maybe?”</p>
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<p>Reed shrugged. “Maybe.”</p>
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<p>I shrug. “Maybe.”</p>
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<p>“Do you really think they’re gone?”</p>
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<p>He shrugged again, stayed silent.</p>
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<p>Hanne nudged him gently with her shoulder. “Come on, Reed. Let’s get you to bed.”</p>
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<p>I shrug again, stay silent.</p>
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<p>Hanne nudges me gently with her shoulder. “Come on, Reed. Let’s get you to bed.”</p>
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<p>“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep. Not after all that.”</p>
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<p>“Still,” she said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. It felt too hot, too intense a sensation, but he felt calmness radiate from the spot all the same. “If nothing else, you can lay down in the dark and give your poor eyes a break. Plus, <em>I</em> need to sleep, at least.”</p>
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<p>How could he stand, knowing as he did that the clade had become unmoored? How could he think of sleep when there might be some remnant of Marsh somewhere in the wires? Some ghost of him in the machine that was the System? If this system was a dream as Dry Grass and the rest of her clade had promised the world, then oughtn’t there be some wisp of him remaining? Some flash of memory from which deeper archives could be dredged? Even a Marsh from decades back would still be a Marsh worth bringing back.</p>
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<p>He sighed, nodded, and let her pull him to his feet.</p>
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<p>He swayed for a moment, feeling reality shift unsteadily beneath him. Once he’d straightened up, he followed Hanne off to their bedroom. They’d spent the previous night, as they often did, sleeping in two separate beds — Reed always got too warm sleeping next to someone — but any grounding force felt welcome now, so, with a gesture, the two beds slid together, merging seamlessly into one.</p>
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<p>A hollow feeling bubbled up within him. The two beds merging into one was an image of something now well beyond the Marsh clade. He was thankful that he’d already cried himself dry.</p>
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<p>The lights dimmed to near darkness and the temperature dropped a few degrees as he and Hanne stripped and settled beneath the covers, her arms snug around him.</p>
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<p>“I love you, Reed,” she mumbled against the back of his neck. “I’m sorry I got so stressed before, but I love you. You know that, right?”</p>
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<p>He sighed, slouched back against her. “I know. I love you too.”</p>
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<p>As expected, sleep did not come. Exhaustion pulled at him, exerting its own gravity, but too many emotions crowded it out. Too many emotions and too many thoughts. He spent a few minutes chiding himself — shouldn’t he sleep, if only to be more refreshed for the next day? — before giving in and letting his mind circle around each of those emotions, each of those thoughts.</p>
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<p>There was the faintest brush against his sensorium. Vos.</p>
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<p><em>“How’re you two holding up?”</em> he sent.</p>
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<p>“Still,” she says, leaning over to kiss my cheek. It feels too hot, too intense a sensation, but I feel calmness radiate from that spot all the same. “If nothing else, you can lay down in the dark and give your poor eyes a break. Plus, <em>I</em> need to sleep, at least.”</p>
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<p>How can I stand, knowing as I do that the clade had become unmoored? How can I think of sleep when there might be some remnant of Marsh somewhere in the wires? Some ghost of him in the machine that was the System? If this System is a dream as Dry Grass and the rest of her clade had promised the world, then oughtn’t there be some wisp of him remaining? Some flash of memory from which deeper archives could be dredged? Even a Marsh from decades back would still be a Marsh worth bringing back.</p>
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<p>I sigh, nod, and let her pull me to his feet.</p>
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<p>I sway for a moment, feeling reality shift unsteadily beneath him. Once I straighten up, I follow Hanne off to our bedroom. We’d spent the previous night, as we often did, sleeping in two separate beds — I always get too warm sleeping next to someone — but any grounding force feels welcome now, so, with a gesture, the two beds slide together, merging seamlessly into one.</p>
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<p>A hollow feeling bubbles up within me. The two beds merging into one was an image of something now well beyond the Marsh clade. I’m thankful I’ve already cried myself dry.</p>
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<p>The lights dim to near darkness and the temperature drops a few degrees as me and Hanne strip and settle beneath the covers, her arms snug around me.</p>
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<p>“I love you, Reed,” she mumbles against the back of my neck. “I’m sorry I got so stressed before, but I love you. You know that, right?”</p>
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<p>I slouch back against her. “I know. I love you too.”</p>
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<p>As expected, sleep does not come. Exhaustion pulls at me, exerting its own gravity, but too many emotions crowd it out. Too many emotions and too many thoughts. I spend a few minutes chiding myself — shouldn’t I sleep, if only to be more refreshed for the next day? — before giving in and letting my mind circle around each of those emotions, each of those thoughts.</p>
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<!--...-->
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<p>There’s the faintest brush against my sensorium. Vos.</p>
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<p><em>“How’re you two holding up?”</em> I send.</p>
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<p><em>“Not well.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“I imagine not.”</em> After a moment, he added, <em>“Do you have any more information?”</em></p>
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<p>The faintest sense of a shake of the head before Vos said, <em>“Nothing. They were here, then they weren’t. There’s no trace. It’s almost as thought they never existed. Pierre fell asleep a bit ago. I think he wore himself out trying to reach them.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“I imagine not.”</em> After a moment, I add, <em>“Do you have any more information?”</em></p>
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<p>The faintest sense of a shake of the head before Vos says, <em>“Nothing. They were here, then they weren’t. There’s no trace. It’s almost as thought they never existed. Pierre fell asleep a bit ago. I think he wore himself out trying to reach them.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“It’s pretty late.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“Or early,”</em> Vos mused. <em>“No sleep for you, either?”</em></p>
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<p><em>“Or early,”</em> Vos muses. <em>“No sleep for you, either?”</em></p>
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<p><em>“I gave it a go, but have just been laying in the dark.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“Have you heard from any of the others?”</em></p>
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<p><em>“Nothing yet,”</em> he sent. <em>“I need a bit of a break from them, anyway.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“Nothing yet,”</em> I send. <em>“I need a bit of a break from them, anyway.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“How come?”</em></p>
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<p><em>“We wind up in feedback loops a little too easily.”</em> He stifled a snort of laughter. Hanne mumbled something incoherent against his neck in her sleep. <em>“It drives Hanne nuts. That’s why she was yelling about me doing it again.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“Oh, trust me, Marsh winds up in–“</em> The message stopped abruptly, and Reed found himself holding his breath, checking the time several times in a row, wary of further jumps. A few seconds later, Vos continued, voice shaky. <em>“They, uh…they</em> wound <em>up in their own feedback loops.”</em></p>
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<p>He buried his face against the pillow, took long, slow breaths, willing himself to make as little noise as possible so as not to wake Hanne. How could he lay there, knowing as he did that Marsh was gone? How could he speak to Vos, knowing that he should be doing something, not crying in bed, accepting a fate that made no sense? Was it just some hopeless part of him that had accepted Marsh’s absence? Oughtn’t he be striving even now to find some way to get him back?</p>
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<p><em>“We wind up in feedback loops a little too easily.”</em> I stifle a snort of laughter. Hanne mumbles something incoherent against my neck in her sleep. <em>“It drives Hanne nuts. That’s why she was yelling about me doing it again.”</em></p>
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<p><em>“Oh, trust me, Marsh winds up in–“</em> The message stops abruptly, and I find himself holding my breath, checking the time several times in a row, wary of further jumps. A few seconds later, Vos continues, voice shaky. <em>“They, uh…they</em> wound <em>up in their own feedback loops.”</em></p>
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<p>I bury my face against the pillow, take long, slow breaths, willing myself to make as little noise as possible so as not to wake Hanne. How can I lay there, knowing as I do that Marsh was gone? How can I speak to Vos, knowing that I should be doing something, not crying in bed, accepting a fate that made no sense? Is it just some hopeless part of me that had accepted Marsh’s absence? Oughtn’t I be striving even now to find some way to get him back?</p>
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<p>No answers, only questions.</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-05-10</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-05-29</p>
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</footer>
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