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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2023-01-04 11:50:13 -08:00
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<p>That was when I was at my most vulnerable, back in the end of 2019 and into 2020. That was when I was most willing to pull together my fears and talk about them. I couldn&rsquo;t talk about them one on one (a fact that led to at least one fight with my partner, who said, &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t like learning these things from you telling the world; I wish you&rsquo;d tell me directly, first.&rdquo;). I could only broadcast them, because in a crowd, you&rsquo;re anonymous. I&rsquo;m a no-one when I&rsquo;m posting writing to be read by the world, because at that point, I disappear.</p> <p>That was when I was at my most vulnerable, back in the end of 2019 and into 2020. That was when I was most willing to pull together my fears and talk about them. I couldn&rsquo;t talk about them one on one (a fact that led to at least one fight with my partner, who said, &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t like learning these things from you telling the world; I wish you&rsquo;d tell me directly, first.&rdquo;). I could only broadcast them, because in a crowd, you&rsquo;re anonymous. I&rsquo;m a no-one when I&rsquo;m posting writing to be read by the world, because at that point, I disappear.</p>
<p>I think that&rsquo;s sort of what I wanted. There was catharsis in publishing this or that about sexuality or depression, sure, but what I wanted to do was to disappear into the crowd, to stop being Madison for a little bit, and just be a person: a nameless, faceless person among however many billion other nameless, faceless people. I got depressed. I felt happy. I felt pride and shame, I was just a person, despite me wearing that mask of individuality or visibility.</p> <p>I think that&rsquo;s sort of what I wanted. There was catharsis in publishing this or that about sexuality or depression, sure, but what I wanted to do was to disappear into the crowd, to stop being Madison for a little bit, and just be a person: a nameless, faceless person among however many billion other nameless, faceless people. I got depressed. I felt happy. I felt pride and shame, I was just a person, despite me wearing that mask of individuality or visibility.</p>
<p>I posted the rest of my stuff on Patreon after that, but my partner stopped reading stuff in installments and would only wait until she got her copy of the book to read it through. I wonder how much of that was a defense mechanism after so many months of deafening vulnerability.</p> <p>I posted the rest of my stuff on Patreon after that, but my partner stopped reading stuff in installments and would only wait until she got her copy of the book to read it through. I wonder how much of that was a defense mechanism after so many months of deafening vulnerability.</p>
<p>(Continue into essay for PS blog?)</p>
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