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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-04-19 19:35:11 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/discernment.html
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<p>This was a constant in Dee&rsquo;s life, this sort of discussion. He would research and research and research, come to a conclusion, and when he&rsquo;d state what he&rsquo;d learned, the conversation would go sideways. Both he and his interlocutor would wind up frustrated and stressed with no visible reason why.</p>
<p>But this wasn&rsquo;t a researched thing, was it? It was, what, three? And he&rsquo;d started this train of thought last night at, what, eleven? Sixteen hours was hardly the amount of time required to come to a conclusion about leaving behind a year of study and however many thousands of dollars of scholarships that had involved.</p>
<p>No, this idea had leaped, fully formed, into his head.</p>
<p>He focused on ensuring that his mien expressed the sincerity he felt within. He was frustrated, yes, but also confused and more than a little disappointed in himself. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry, Dr. Borenson. I understand. You&rsquo;re right, too, that I don&rsquo;t quite have the amount of conviction I&rsquo;d need for this.&rdquo;</p>
<p>The Saint Bernard looked cautious, waited for Dee to continue.</p>
<p>He focused on ensuring that his mien expressed the sincerity he felt within. He was frustrated, yes, but also confused and more than a little disappointed in himself. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry, Father Borenson. I understand. You&rsquo;re right, too, that I don&rsquo;t quite have the amount of conviction I&rsquo;d need for this.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;I mean it when I say I&rsquo;m speaking from a place of kindness here, Mr. Kimana, but this doubt is mutual. You have a brilliant mind and faith enough, but by virtue of you doubting your vocation, we are all but obligated to doubt you in turn.&rdquo;</p>
<p>Dee sighed and slouched in his chair.</p>
<p>&ldquo;If you&rsquo;re not comfortable switching to a Th.M, perhaps it&rsquo;s time to consider switching focuses,&rdquo; the dog said gently. &ldquo;Perhaps Saint John&rsquo;s just isn&rsquo;t the best fit for you.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;I get it,&rdquo; Dee mumbled.</p>
<p>The Saint Bernard looked cautious, waited for him to continue.</p>
<p>&ldquo;I mean, I get what you&rsquo;re saying. I think&hellip;&rdquo; He swallowed drily, straightened up in his chair. &ldquo;I think agree, too.&rdquo;</p>
<p>His advisor visibly relaxed.</p>
<p>&ldquo;I know I said so before, but I just want to make sure; you know that this is about my vocation, not my faith, right?&rdquo;</p>
<p>Borenson barked a laugh, before his expression softened. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry. Dee, I believe you. You are one of the most devout students I have. Your decision about your degree may not have been a total surprise to me, but if you had said you were leaving the church, I think I would have called for a doctor.&rdquo;</p>
<p>Dee smiled through his shame.</p>