”…who I am not sure feels the same towards me…”
Salivary glands working overtime.
”…and it is taking a toll on me. I can’t think of anything else.”
-And then, with a few words, the taste beginning to lessen, the words of your priest: “Are these thoughts adulterous in nature?”
+And then, with a few words, the taste beginning to lessen, the words of my priest: “Are these thoughts adulterous in nature?”
“No, Father. She is not married.”
“Do they stem from lust?”
I frowned down at my paws. “I don’t think so. It is an overwhelming need to be with her, even just romantically. Like I need her in my life.”
@@ -41,9 +41,13 @@“So maybe it is a form of jealousy, or perhaps envy. I’m yearning for something I can’t have.”
“You can’t have that fulfillment?”
“No I just…” I fumbled for words before coming up with, “It just feels like I can’t have that, like it’s out of reach.”
-There was silence on the other side of the screen. Words failed me, then. The tang on my lips was starting to fade, so perhaps I had voiced all I could.
+“I see two aspects, here.” The voice was quiet, comforting. “The first is that you are lusting for her — and I say lust because there is more to that word than simply the carnal. It has to do with a desire that is out of control, to the point where it truly claims you. Lust and greed can go hand in hand, and both tie into the second aspect, which is that you are coveting something to the point of distraction. You are spending more time thinking about the little lie you’ve told yourself, that you can’t have her, than you are about the world around you. Does that sound correct, my son?”
+“Yes, Father.”
+After a moment’s silence, the priest continued. “We all know the commandment that you should love your neighbor as yourself. There is a balance to be struck there, because you still have to love yourself, too. You don’t disappear out of these equations just by virtue of loving your neighbor, you still have to attend to your own needs. If you need that love in your life, then perhaps that is worth seeking out, because not doing so only seems to be causing you pain. Does that make sense?”
+It stung to have that laid bare in front of me. I counted three long, slow breaths before I replied. “Yes, Father, that makes sense.”
+There was silence on the other side of the screen, and I could hear a quiet cough from outside the confessional. Words failed me, and a pang of worry that I was being unfair with the priest’s time. The tang on my lips was starting to fade, so perhaps I had voiced all I could.
“For these and all my past sins, I ask pardon of God, penance, and absolution from you, Father.”
-A soft hum on the other side of the screen, that soft noise the priest always makes when considering penance. And then, “Alright, my son. Say five Our Fathers for your penance. I also want you think on who it is that you’re envious of, or what you are jealous of. Ask yourself who it is that you are hurting in these situations as you pray.”
+A soft hum on the other side of the screen, that soft noise the priest always makes when considering penance. And then, “Alright, my son. I would like you to say five Our Fathers for your penance. I also want you think on who it is that you’re envious of, or what you are jealous of. Think about that balance of loving others and loving yourself, and ask yourself who it is that you are hurting in these situations as you pray.”
The weight on my shoulders slid down and off of me. “Thank you, Father.”
That was Wednesday, and coming on Friday evening, now, I still do not know the root of my jealousy. I waffle still.
Sometimes, it feels like envy. It feels like I’m craving something that I cannot have, something that is being kept from me in some form or another. By whom? Who would possibly be keeping me from Kay? Kay herself? God? Myself? I cannot begin to place any sort of blame on any one source.
@@ -226,7 +230,7 @@