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<p>I don’t have it saved anywhere, but our final communication was a letter and a gift. I sent her a book — a comic, really, a limited edition of <em>Rruffurr</em> — along with a hand-written note apologizing for what I had done, though at that point I wasn’t clear just which of these wobbles of our dynamic had been the true cause of her silence.</p>
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<p>Her response was a request for no contact moving forward.</p>
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<hr />
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<p>((Clash of interested vs disinterested</p>
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<p>The primary clash between Job and his friends can be boiled down to this very discussion of interested versus disinterested faith.</p>
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<p>This is not limited to the book of Job, nor even Jewish or Christian liberation theologies. Take, for instance, -the eighth-century Sufi mystic and Muslim Saint Rabi’a al-‘Adiwiyya al-Qaysiyya:</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>O God! If I worship You for fear of Hell, burn me in Hell<br />
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and if I worship You in hope of Paradise, exclude me from Paradise.<br />
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But if I worship You for Your Own sake,<br />
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grudge me not Your everlasting Beauty.</p>
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<p>\parencite[35]{rabia}</p>
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<p>I want to put out the fires of Hell, and burn down the rewards of Paradise. They block the way to Allah. I do not want to worship from fear of punishment or for the promise of reward, but simply for the love of Allah. \parencite{rabia2}
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))</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Here, she describes not just an interpretation of the concepts of heaven and hell in a disinterested fashion, but in an emphatic rejection of interested faith. “I want to put out the fires of Hell, and burn down the rewards of Paradise,” she writes elsewhere. “They block the way to Allah. I do not want to worship from fear of punishment or for the promise of reward, but simply for the love of Allah.” \parencite{rabia2}</p>
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<p>This is the God that Bildad, Eliphaz, and Zophar present.</p>
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<p>Job, to all of this, replies with disdain. They are, after all, responding to the wrong question. They have accused him of speaking wrongly of God, of doing wrongly by Him. They have said that surely Job has done <em>something</em> wrong, or, worse, that perhaps his family did something wrong — and remember, Job is noteworthy for praying and committing sacrifices on behalf of his children to ensure that his family stays right in the eyes of God — and for that they deserved to die.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>I have heard much of this sort,<br />
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\vin wretched consolers are you all.<br />
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Is there any end to words of hot air,<br />
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\vin or what compells you to speak up?<br />
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I, too, like you, would speak,<br />
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\vin were you in my place<br />
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I would din words against you,<br />
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\vin and would wag my head over you.</p>
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<p>(Job 16:1-4, Alter)</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>By clashing with him thus, these three friends crash up against the wrong wall of his defenses. The wall is well fortified, yes, but the gate is shut. It contains the wrong door out of which Job cries. “I was tranquil—[<em>ha-satan</em>] shook me to pieces, seized my nape and broke me apart, set me up as a target for Him,” Job cries (Job 16:12, Alter).</p>
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<p>In this, however, Elihu is perhaps the worst, because Elihu <em>does</em> respond to Job’s request.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Let us take a case to court,<br />
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\vin let us know what is good between us.<br />
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For job has said, “I’m in the right,<br />
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\vin and God has diverted my case.<br />
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He lies about my case,<br />
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\vin I’m sore-wounded from His shaft for no crime.”</p>
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<p>(Job 34:4-6)</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>And then, of course, he immediately turns on him:</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Who is a man like Job,<br />
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\vin lapping up scorn like water?<br />
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He consorts with wrongdoers<br />
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\vin and walks with wicked men.<br />
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For he has said, “What use to a man<br />
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\vin to find favor with God?”</p>
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<p>(Job 34:7-9, Alter)</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>He goes on to claim, as did Job’s other friends, that as God cannot possibly act in the wrong, surely it is Job who has wronged <em>God</em>, not the other way around. All of this is invective(“Would that Job might be tested forever for responding like villainous men.” (Job 34:36, Alter)) is hidden behind his own innocence and couched in apologies. “Discerning men will say to me” or “therefore, discerning men, hear me” he prefixes his insult. After all, he’s the youngster, right? The upstart?</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>I am young in years,<br />
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\vin and you are aged.<br />
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Therefore I was awed and feared<br />
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\vin to speak with you.</p>
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<p>(Job 32:6, Alter)</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>This youngster, this upstart, crashes up against Job’s defenses, far closer to the wall at which Job stands, and strikes at him with barbs. He enters into this discourse, clashes with Job, and then leaves. He is not introduced at the beginning, nor is he acknowledged after. He is not one of Job’s friends as are Bildad, Eliphaz, and Zophar. He exists, it seems, solely to tell Job all that he has done wrong.</p>
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<hr />
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<p>Up until that point, my interaction with gender had been the tentative pressing against a bruise. It hurt, yes, but one cannot help <em>but</em> press on bruises, yes? There it is, blue and purple, an angry discoloration that aches at the slightest touch, and yet you cannot stop touching it, defining the edges of that ache with an apophatic walk of the fingertips.</p>
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<p>This exploration began to stutter as doubt began dart around and in between the wandering feet of curiosity, tripping it up and making it hold still so that it didn’t fall flat on its face.</p>
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