update from sparkleup
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<p>May Then My Name splayed her ears. “I do not want her to die. I do not want her gone.”</p>
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<p>The other skunk went silent, holding her gaze for a long moment before getting back to building the fire up to a comfortable level.</p>
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<p>“I’m guessing it’s the non-logistical side of things that’s complicated,” Debarre said.</p>
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<p>“Yes. After everything, I do not know why it is that I care about her.” She sniffled and scrubbed her face with the rag as though to preemptively snap herself out of an oncoming wave of emotion. “It has not been all that bad, really. Awkward, yes, but she spends most of her time in her room except at breakfast and dinner. Today, though, she requested to talk with me, and…I cannot share the specifics, but Jonas ha-has…has been…”</p>
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<p>“Yes. After everything, I do not know why it is that I care about her.” She sniffled and scrubbed her face with the rag as though to preemptively snap herself out of an oncoming wave of emotion. “It has not been all that bad, really. Awkward, yes, but she spends most of her time in her room except at breakfast and dinner. Today, though, she requested to talk with me, and…I cannot even begin to comprehend the specifics, but Jonas ha-has…has been…”</p>
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<p>Debarre rubbed at May Then My Name’s back when that wave of emotion washed over her.</p>
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<p>“I am sorry, my dear. It was a lot,” she mumbled. “Jonas has been playing her for centuries, now. He has been structuring her life for her in such subtle ways that even she was not able to see it. She…well, something happened a few years after launch. A trap of sorts. Jonas’s plans hit all at once and she has been working under his thumb since then.”</p>
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<p>They sat in silence for a bit, Debarre racing through various questions, rejecting each as too personal, too mean, too off-topic. Finally, he asked, “So, why are you so upset?”</p>
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<p>She nodded gratefully. “Ey does not, no. I am just sorry that I was too heated to stick around and talk with em about this. Thank you again, Debarre. I needed to talk about it, just with someone who has an appropriate distance from the topic. I cannot overstate how terrifying what she said was.”</p>
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<p>“Uh, of course, May Then My Name. Can you tell me any more about it?”</p>
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<p>“Perhaps over dinner, my dear. I need food, and I need to talk to your boyfriend.”</p>
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<p>Dinner, it turned out, was not long in coming</p>
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<p>Dinner, it turned out, was not long in coming. Well-seasoned deer and griddle cakes cooked in in the grease. “I have made them with too much salt just for you, May Then My Name,” he said with a polite bow.</p>
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<p>She stuck her tongue out at him. “Much appreciated, my dear. It tastes almost like normal food.”</p>
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<p>He made a rude gesture at her, but grinned all the same.</p>
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<p>“So,” Debarre said between bites. “Anything else you can tell us about what True Name said?”</p>
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<p>The other skunk stacked a bite of griddle cake on top of a bite of venison and chewed thoughtfully. At last, she sighed, saying, “I do not want to talk about too much of it. It is too close to the surface as yet and I will turn into a sobbing mess. Again, I mean.”</p>
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<p>“Of course, no rush.”</p>
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<p>“Right. Well, Jonas got her involved with something in the late 2130s. It was sort of a side…thing, but it still has taken up at least a small part of her attention ever since. It was all very low-level stuff — low enough that it flew beneath even her radar — and I guess after Launch, he dropped it all on her in a meeting similar to what he had promised for Secession day. All that time had turned into a lever to use against her, and I think that, whether she realizes it or not, relatively little has been done of her own accord since then.”</p>
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<p>Debarre nodded, waiting for her to say more, to which she eventually shook her head. “I am sorry. I need at least a few days to be able to process it. I cannot even think about it without wanting to…I do not know. I want to quit and force a merge on her. I want <em>you</em> to force a merge on her,” she said, nodding to End Waking. “I want her to know something other than herself.”</p>
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<p>The skunk sat up straighter. “So you hinted, yes. Why, though? Why would you want her to feel that resentment? Why do you think she would be able to internalize my penance? Why the fuck do you–“</p>
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<p>“E.W.,” Debarre murmured. “Cool it.”</p>
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<p>He tugged his hood down lower over his head and stayed silent for several minutes. “I am sorry, my dear. I did not mean to yell. It is just that I worked hard at getting where I am now, and if she is to feel any — <em>any</em> — remorse about what she has done with her life, I would like for her to come by it honestly, and if she does not, then I would like her to face the consequences of her actions.”</p>
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<p>“I do at least understand that,” May Then My Name murmured. She had shied away from her cocladist at the force of his words, but the apology and explanation drew her back. “You do not need to answer now, or ever for that matter, but is it something you would at least consider?”</p>
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<p>“Perhaps. I do not feel the need to engage with her as you seem to. If I had not made my rejection of what she is a part of my identity, if I could let that go, then I would rescind my membership from the clade just to sever what ties of association remain.”</p>
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<p>“Would you just be End Waking of no clade, then?”</p>
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<p>“Perhaps I would just call myself E.W., my dear.”</p>
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<p>Debarre grinned. “Excellent.”</p>
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<p>“You two are disgusting,” May Then My Name said. “Please keep up the good work.”</p>
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<p>“You’re one to talk, smartass. You and Ioan could make my teeth rot.”</p>
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<p>“I have em well trained, do I not? Perhaps I will make him an honorary member of the clade in your stead.”</p>
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<p>End Waking smirked. “Would he take my name, then?”</p>
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<p>“No, we would have to give him a similarly Odist name. Some shitty line of poetry, a few nonsense words smashed together. Gentle Confusion or something.”</p>
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<p>They laughed.</p>
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<p>“Where I Am Overcome By Gentle Confusion of the Ode-Bălan clade,” Debarre said. “And I’d be something like Even Real Shitheads Know Their Dreams.”</p>
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<p>(( Over dinner, May brings up having EW merge down, turns into a whole big discussion. EW says he’ll think about it, and will talk it over with Debarre which will be next chapter ))</p>
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<footer>
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@ -107,7 +107,7 @@
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<li class="done0"> <a href=".html">May recovers</a> — Visits, says hi etc, brings Ioan back home</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href=".html">May’s Wallow 2</a> — May’s feeling bad because she can’t help, also starting to agree with Ioan: not fair to them as a couple for TN to have those memories</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href=".html">TN’s wallow 2</a> — TN’s really struggling when they go visit her. (We learn more about Zacharias)</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href=".html">Choose love: TN’s offer</a> — TN comes back, topic of May merging comes up, May and Ioan mention apprehensions, but TN is actually kind of for it. She needs the change, needs good as well as bad, but she’ll also have memories of their apprehensions and can work with that</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href=".html">Choose love: TN’s offer</a> — TN comes back, few days of attempted normalcy, topic of May merging comes up, May and Ioan mention apprehensions, but TN is actually kind of for it. She needs the change, needs good as well as bad, but she’ll also have memories of their apprehensions and can work with that</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href=".html">Choose love: Ioan and May</a> — Ioan expands on this, and they talk about how TN won’t just have May’s memories wholesale, she’ll have a synthesis. May agrees, thinks knowing love is only ever going to be a good thing, TN also deserves that (plus memories of resentment will open things up). May’s little lie about ‘merging down every few years’ comes up, she hasn’t in nearly two centuries</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href=".html">Choose love: decision</a> — TN realizes that changing is probably the only real way out of all of this, and really? That’s not so bad. Besides, maybe she has a plan, though not complete enough to share yet, they decide to go through with it</li>
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</ul>
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