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<p>While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully — or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be — and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. <em>I am not comfortable talking about that now</em> became her constant refrain.</p>
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<p>While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully — or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be — and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, and only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. <em>I am not comfortable talking about that now</em> became her constant refrain.</p>
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<p>Though neither Ioan nor May were necessarily happy for this change, it meant that they <em>had</em> to stop talking about all these dire topics. It forced them to take a step back as well, and at least try to get some work done. Given all that had happened, no one was comfortable with them continuing to perform, least of all A Finger Pointing, so they were removed from the bill for the time being, with either their roles replaced or their shows canceled.</p>
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<p>There was still work to be done, of course. May still had her monologue, which she tried taking in a few different directions, some of which worked well and some less so. Ioan coached her in writing as best ey could, talking her down from fits of perfectionism that left her threatening to tear the whole thing up.</p>
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<p>For eir part, ey still had a few projects on eir plate, not least of which was the upcoming book project that had been requested by Jonas. Ey poked at this every now and then, outlining the events to date and throwing a few thousand words at it here and there.</p>
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<p>Mostly, though, ey dealt in letters to and from the other members of eir clade. Vast, dramatic events were happening elsewhere — as they always seemed to when an Odist was involved — and ey couldn’t simply put them away to deal with all that was going on at home. The break from dealing with the affairs of True Name and Jonas was a welcome one.</p>
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<p>The one conversation of note came on the fourth day after the merge, when the skunk asked, “How did you two get together?”</p>
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<p>Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her hands.</p>
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<p>“Other than the forces behind the scenes. I mean.”</p>
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<p>Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her paws.</p>
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<p>“Other than the forces behind the scenes, I mean.”</p>
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<p>“From my point of view,” Ioan said, guessing at the meaning behind her question. “It just kind of happened over the course of a few years. May was her usual affectionate self, and we just wound up building patterns around that that turned us from coworkers to friends to partners.”</p>
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<p>“There was no culmination? No decision?”</p>
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<p>“Not really. I just realized one day that we were probably together and asked if we were.”</p>
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<p>“Are you asking what about me changed, or what I did to change?” ey asked, frowning. “Because I don’t think I had any conscious control over it.”</p>
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<p>“What you changed, yes. May Then My Name could answer the other question, perhaps uniquely so among all those who we know.”</p>
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<p>The skunk only shrugged.</p>
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<p>“Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I’d watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of…I don’t know. Transparent?” Ey shrugged. “I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied really heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn’t until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as more than an observer, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That’s where Codrin came from, I think”</p>
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<p>“Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I’d watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of…I don’t know. Transparent?” Ey shrugged. “I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied really heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn’t until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as more than an observer, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That’s where Codrin came from, I think.”</p>
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<p>May chimed in. “Ey was the version of you who learned that most strongly, perhaps. You were left with the memories of it to work with, but without the context of the experience.”</p>
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<p>“Right. It was nice watching em grow closer to others and open up to a relationship.”</p>
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<p>“‘Nice’?”</p>
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<p>Ey shrugged. “I don’t know how else to put it. I felt compersion for them, like the opposite of jealousy. I was happy for them, and it felt good to know that those things were possible.”</p>
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<p>True Name nodded. “That is the word I would use to describe my feelings towards May Then My Name, if it is not too forward of me to say.”</p>
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<p>May smiled and reached out across the dining table to pat at True Name’s paw.</p>
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<p>“It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them, I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me. Those experiences which are left to integrate are the ones clashing the most.” She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. “I can remember what it feels like to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there.”</p>
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<p>“It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them; I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me. Those experiences which are left to integrate are the ones clashing the most.” She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. “I can remember what it feels like to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there.”</p>
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<p>Ioan and May glanced at each other briefly, but both nodded.</p>
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<p>“It has not been a priority for you,” May said. “If it has not been important, if it has felt like a distraction, then there is no reason to simply know how to do all of that. I do wish you the best, though.”</p>
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<p>“Didn’t you say you’d felt love for Zacharias, though?”</p>
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<p>She rested her head against eir shoulder. “No, but…I do not know, my dear. Everything is so much more complicated this time. It is bad enough when you have one skunk in your life, but now you have two at the same time. Two and a half, perhaps.”</p>
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<p>“It’s okay, May. It’s complicated, but we’ve done it before, so we’ll make it work this time.”</p>
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<p>She nodded. </p>
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<p>“Can I stay for tonight? I’ll help get some meals prepped and some of my stuff in order. It’ll give me a chance to contact Douglas, too.”</p>
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<p>“Can I stay for tonight?” Ioan asked gently. “I’ll help get some meals prepped and some of my stuff in order. It’ll give me a chance to contact Douglas, too.”</p>
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<p>“Of course, my dear. I am not…there yet, but I am close.”</p>
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<p>“Well, come on, then. Let’s get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning.”</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-08-13</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-06</p>
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<p>Ey tried not to let it rankle. Everything felt so confined and restricted. So much of eir circle of friends was out in the world and so few of them came over with any frequency that to suddenly have even those ey was closest to — romantically in the case of May, and by friendship and sheer proximity in the case of True Name — requesting eir absence felt like ey was being cut off from everyone.</p>
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<p>“Which isn’t true,” ey mumbled to emself while packing up eir notes. “Security’s one thing, but it’s not like everyone’s inaccessible. Keeping everyone safe doesn’t mean cutting off contact for yourself, Ioan. “</p>
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<p>Ey looked down to eir small stack of notebooks and the three-pen case resting atop it and sighed. “And talking to yourself doesn’t count.”</p>
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<p>With that, ey peeked in the bedroom one last time. May had sat up and was staring dully down into her mug of coffee, blanket worn like a hooded robe. Her cheek-fur already streaked with tears.</p>
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<p>With that, ey peeked in the bedroom one last time. May had sat up and was staring dully down into her mug of coffee, blanket worn like a hooded robe. Her cheek-fur was already streaked with tears.</p>
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<p>“I’m going to head out, May. Douglas’s, as usual. Be safe, okay?”</p>
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<p><em>Okay,</em> she signed.</p>
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<p>“Need anything else before I go?”</p>
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<p>“She’s…well, she’ll get by. I just hope it doesn’t last too long. Thanks for letting me stay. Please tell me you put coffee on.”</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-21</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-06</p>
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