From 8ca7603eb75720857562fd9fafe047652eb3d2c7 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2022 22:30:18 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] update from sparkleup --- writing/post-self/mitzvot/037.html | 16 +++++++++------- 1 file changed, 9 insertions(+), 7 deletions(-) diff --git a/writing/post-self/mitzvot/037.html b/writing/post-self/mitzvot/037.html index e9a6ef8b8..6dbacc8e0 100644 --- a/writing/post-self/mitzvot/037.html +++ b/writing/post-self/mitzvot/037.html @@ -89,32 +89,34 @@

“Do you miss anything from before all this?”

She shrugged. “It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection.”

Ey laughed.

-

“If I am honest, a few conflicts remain from both merges, even still. They are not large ones, but they are there, and some jealous part of me who is True Name does not wish to be completely subsumed, so I am keeping them held just at bay. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, End Waking, and May. I am of three minds.”

+

“Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?”

+

“Mmhm.”

+

“There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it became an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, and I will ever be what I am. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, End Waking, and May. I am of three minds.”

“So long as that works for you.”

-

“I can always address them down the line if it does not.”

-

Ey nodded. “And I’m guessing you don’t miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or any of them.”

+

“I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself.”

+

Ey nodded. “And I’m guessing you don’t miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza.”

She poked at eir side with a claw before slouching against em. “You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan.”

“Right, right,” ey said, laughing. “I figured no love lost, but–“

-

“I did not love either of them, as friends or otherwise,” she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. “Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that.”

+

“I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise,” she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. “Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that.”

Her tone wasn’t upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. “Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then.”

“Says the writer.”

“I liked what you’ve gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We’ll talk about it when we’re back at a desk, though.”

“Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help.”

“I mean, you’re leaning on me now.”

-

“Smartass,” she said mildly.

+

“Smartass,” she drawled.

Ey grinned. “I mean, no complaints. It’s still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I’m still sort of getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago.”

“A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes,” she said. “It makes my job easier.”

“What job?”

“Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear.”

Ey shook eir head. “Right, sorry. I trust you.”

“I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it earnestly.”

-

“I appreciate that.” Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. “While we’re being honest, though, I think we’re sort of in the same boat, honestly, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it ‘the concept versus the mechanics’.”

+

“I appreciate that.” Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. “While we’re being honest, though, I think we’re sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it ‘the concept versus the mechanics’.”

“Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it honestly.”

Ey nodded. “Basically. Is it something you’d want?”

“God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan,” she said, laughing.

“Definitely same boat, then. It’s a problem for future Ioan.”

They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach.

-

“That is the conflict I left from May,” Sasha murmured. “I kept some doubt from End Waking, enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of doubt from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds.”

+

“That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists,” Sasha murmured. “I kept some doubt from End Waking, enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds.”

Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she’d quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete.

Instead, ey said, “You’re a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people.”

She laughed. “And you, dear, are a dork. But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork’s conversation with May has wrapped up and the one you love misses you greatly.”