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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-04-21 00:00:13 -07:00
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<p>Did I decide to do something that felt so self-evident? Was it just the path of least resistance? I remember when I began to struggle, when I decided leave the program, that conversation with God. I remember admitting it to myself, the confession the next morning, the meeting with Father Borenson, my advisor.</p>
<p>But was <em>that</em> a decision? Was I giving responsibility to God for an action that I myself took?</p>
<p>These feelings of doubt have been cropping up more and more, recently. I do not doubt in God, but I am beginning to question my relationship with Him. Saying &ldquo;God knows what is best&rdquo; is an awfully handy way to absolve oneself from the responsibility for one&rsquo;s actions.</p>
<p>I know I&rsquo;m right to not be in </p>
<p>I know it&rsquo;s right for me to not be in ministry. I wouldn&rsquo;t make a good priest. I wouldn&rsquo;t be happy, and thus my congregation wouldn&rsquo;t be happy.</p>
<p>But I don&rsquo;t know if my path here, to this point in my life, has what&rsquo;s required to be called a decision. I wound up in secular life, but I wasn&rsquo;t thinking what that would entail. All I was picturing is that I would not be Father Kimana.</p>
<p>Now, here in my thirties, all of the decisions seem so much bigger, even if their impacts are smaller. That&rsquo;s not to say that pursuing Kay would be a small thing. It has the potential to be huge. It just doesn&rsquo;t have the change-your-life-in-an-instant quality that leaving Saint John&rsquo;s did. It would be a process. Admitting feelings, dating, marriage, children&hellip;all decisions in and of themselves, all with the potential for failure, incomplete success, or mismatches in expectations.</p>
<p>I should go home and eat. I love my patients &mdash; nerds, to the last &mdash; and they always get me thinking, but lately, all this rumination&hellip;</p>
<p>I should go home and eat.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-04-20</p>