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Madison Scott-Clary 2023-09-09 14:40:10 -07:00
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<p>&ldquo;Memory is playing tricks on me&rdquo; is a phrase I&rsquo;m never sure how to parse.</p>
<p>Tricks? Is it tricking me? Is it fooling me? Is it hiding a smirk as I dig and dig to try and remember dates?</p>
<p>I don&rsquo;t quite remember when this all went down. I think we had a lot of these conversations back when I was in the house on Maple Street, the one that caught fire in my housemate&rsquo;s room, which means that must have happened before moving out in 2006. I remember living in the apartment on Remington Street and flying out Carlsbad to visit Andrew, to meet his friends Toni and Wish, which means that must have happened sometime before 2009, back before we moved to the house on Andrea Street.</p>
<p>I don&rsquo;t quite remember when this all went down. I think we had a lot of these conversations back when I was in the house on Maple Street, the one that caught fire in my housemate&rsquo;s room, which means that must have happened before moving out in 2006. I remember living in the apartment on Remington Street and flying out to Carlsbad to visit Andrew, to meet his friends Toni and Wish, which means that must have happened sometime before 2009, back before we moved to the house on Andrea Street.</p>
<p>Memory plays tricks on me, and perhaps that&rsquo;s just in us remembering through transpositions, interpositions, interpolations. That&rsquo;s me remembering those times with Kine and then those times we were dating in Colorado before remembering that, between those, he&rsquo;d gone to school out in California.</p>
<p>And perhaps it&rsquo;s just the ways in which <em>this</em> is pushed out to make way for <em>that</em>. What year did I visit Carlsbad? I don&rsquo;t remember. I do, however, remember &mdash; vividly &mdash; Toni and Wish sleeping on the floor. I remember talking about all those people we knew together in #sanefurs and #nonfurs, IRC channels of snarky assholes two steps away from the Burned Furs movement.</p>
<p>And perhaps it&rsquo;s just the ways in which <em>this</em> is pushed out to make way for <em>that</em>. What year did I visit Carlsbad? I don&rsquo;t remember. I do, however, remember &mdash; vividly &mdash; Toni and Wish sleeping on the floor. I remember talking about all those people we knew together in #sanefurs and #nonfurs, IRC channels of snarky assholes two steps away from the Burned Furs movement. I don&rsquo;t remember when we had those conversations about relationship quadrilaterals, but I do remember sitting on the floor with JD, there with the gray, plush carpet, which must mean that it was in the Maple street house, given the Berber carpet in the Remington apartment. I don&rsquo;t remember what house it was that I lived in when Andrew and I broke up, though I suppose it must have been before JD and I moved in together.</p>
<p>There is an order to the events that happen in our lives, but that does not mean that we remember them that way. Perhaps it is that we remember things in the order in which they are most important to us. I remember that break-up conversation in one very clear way: I was on AIM and in the Denver airport. I had not yet gotten home. I remember that being such a low point in life, and yet it neared the top of the list in terms of importance &mdash; at least when it comes to this particular story. I remember visiting Andrew and Kinematics in Denver, but all I remember out of that was Kine doing a burnout in his car, laughing about how &ldquo;the tires have a flat spot on them, better smooth that out. Smoke blossomed behind the car, then, and I clutched at my seat, pretending to laugh, pretending to care.</p>
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<p>Above all, I remember the past in fragments of identity. I remember my various selves. I remember the me who was gung-ho about music composition, just as I remember the ways in which I fell out of love with writing music. I remember the Matthew who dove into working in tech, just as I remember the Matthew who, so burnt by work, tried to kill himself. I remember the me who loved Andrew and yet I also remember the me couldn&rsquo;t figure out how to actually mesh with him.</p>
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