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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-09-13 21:55:13 -07:00
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writing/post-self/mitzvot/027.html
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@ -70,7 +70,7 @@ Ey chose the last of the poor skunk’s risotto, added a healthy dusting of
<!-- maybe -->
<p>The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods.</p>
<p>Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn&rsquo;t that she was having to step away to sulk or caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up.</p>
<p>Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn&rsquo;t that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up.</p>
<p>&ldquo;I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point,&rdquo; she admitted when ey brought it up. &ldquo;Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Are they not working together?&rdquo; May asked.</p>
<p>True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. &ldquo;Perhaps not, no,&rdquo; she said at last. &ldquo;It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be.&rdquo;</p>
@ -79,12 +79,12 @@ Ey chose the last of the poor skunk&rsquo;s risotto, added a healthy dusting of
<!-- somewhere in here, talk about the fact that EW got in touch with her -->
<p>May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. &ldquo;I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking&rsquo;s merge went.&rdquo; After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, &ldquo;Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;It is okay, May Then My Name,&rdquo; True Name said, smiling reassuringly. &ldquo;A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;It is okay, May Then My Name,&rdquo; True Name said, smiling reassuringly. &ldquo;A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.&rdquo;</p>
<p>She winced. &ldquo;That bad?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Uncomfortable,&rdquo; the other skunk corrected. &ldquo;I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;What about May&rsquo;s merge would&rsquo;ve been easier?&rdquo; Ioan asked.</p>
<p>&ldquo;Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;End Waking mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.&rdquo;</p>
<p>She nodded. &ldquo;So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear.&rdquo;</p>
<p>May shook her head.</p>
<p>&ldquo;Well, besides,&rdquo; Ioan added. &ldquo;She&rsquo;s certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did.&rdquo;</p>