update from sparkleup

writing/3/terrifying/assessment.html

@@ -74,7 +74,7 @@ not yet open to us, in an appealing urn.\footnote{\cite[51]{duino}}</p>
 <p>So around and around thoughts flow like the divine downstream with eddies behind rocks of yet more divinity building whirlpools as holes in identity.</p>
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-                <p>Page generated on 2023-09-19</p>
+                <p>Page generated on 2023-09-22</p>
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writing/3/terrifying/blind-strife.html

@@ -57,6 +57,9 @@
 <p>So kind to my reader. So kind to my friends.</p>
 <p>I do not particularly regret this decision. <em>ally</em> is a project. It is a work of art to be read. It is a constructed thing that must take into account the ways in which others will engage with it. That very nature means that there is thought put into the ways in which it will shape those who do wind up engaging with it — &ldquo;oh god i changed it by observing it :P&rdquo; Rax said in a message after reading my plurality tailspin — so it would make sense that I would keep my reader, my friends in mind.</p>
 <p>What I am cognizant of is how this has become a habit. Yes, some of that is just part of human communication. Yes, some of that is simply being a kind person. Yes, so much of this anxious spiraling is just that: anxiety.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>I don&rsquo;t know what this means. This feels like being cut off again — feels like teetering on the brink of something that will unmake me.\footnote{\cite[125]{timewar}}</p>
+</blockquote>
 <p>Perhaps I am just afraid.</p>
 <p>Afraid! If it is a part of my identity, why should I be afraid? Isn&rsquo;t that the whole point behind Pride? Isn&rsquo;t that part of my whole schtick as the visibly and effortlessly trans girl who prides herself on being such, who aims to be a sort of trans psychopomp?</p>
 <blockquote>
@@ -68,14 +71,15 @@ into the promptly unfolding fruit.\footnote{\cite[57]{duino}}</p>
 <p>Perhaps that, too, is a trans thing, though. We come out, we transition, we live in this ridiculous world, and the whole time, our goal is to tamp down our identity. Even from within the community, even from the most proud, the goal is to tamp down this part of ourselves. Yes, praise the validity, but do so by passing ever better. Praise most of all the stealth, for they have tamped down their identity with makeup and binders. Praise most of all the successful men and women who slip effortlessly through the world around them, for they have integrated.</p>
 <p>Surely there is something similar for plurality. I imagine, given its associations with psychology, this most often is brought up in terms of functionality. After all, if it is touched by those who touch other neurodivergencies, then surely it must be the same.</p>
 <p>There, see? The successful trans girl with ADHD: she took her meds and did her voice training and now she does a capitalism well.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>My eccentricities are tolerated: my love of cities, of poetry, my appreciation for being rootless, for being, in some ways, more Gardener than Garden, or Gardened.\footnote{\cite[124]{timewar}}</p>
+</blockquote>
 <p>What&rsquo;s the analogous form of success fur a plural person? I am told that for a long time, it was becoming singular. After all, even passing as singular would be better, would it not?</p>
 <p>More recently, I have heard that it is the ability to ensure that all of the personalities within one remain in consonance, that it remains egosyntonic, in harmony with the concept of self. This, at least, I can see being analogous with my goals of being happily, visibly trans. After all, is it not my goal to live specifically as a trans woman? Not just as a woman, but specifically a trans woman. The way I bridle when I hear &ldquo;I just see you as any other woman&rdquo;&hellip;</p>
 <p>Become singular, become cis. Pass as singular, pass as cis. Live in harmony, live in harmony. It is times like these when I think back to those words, &ldquo;Identity is psychopathological in that you only feel it when something makes you feel bad.&rdquo;</p>
 <p>So, if I am to have this sense of pride, if I am to live in this egosyntonic harmony, then what is the fall out of that?</p>
-<p>More strife, more strife&hellip;
-((Supporting identities))</p>
-<p>((The trans urge to tamp down one&rsquo;s own identity))</p>
-<p>((Struggling against expectations versus desires esp re: feeling like I deserve to take up space))</p>
+<p>More strife, more strife. Expectations versus desires. Taking up space and withering at the thought. Kindness in defeat and the need to win, to live.</p>
+<p>More strife, more strife&hellip;</p>
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                 <p>Page generated on 2023-09-22</p>