update from sparkleup
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(transmission delays)</p>
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<p>All,</p>
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<p>I know that, as I’m writing this, you’re likely only just getting my first letter, Codrin, and it may not have yet reached Sorina (please don’t feel obligated to respond; never mind the distance, I can see how this would be uncomfortable). Still, I’ve just gotten Aurel’s letter, and figured I should probably update the clade on current goings on.</p>
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<p>I know that the transmission delays are starting to make conversations around this awkward. It’ll be four months before I hear back from Pollux and I don’t even know how long from Artemis (Sorina, please don’t feel obligated to respond; never mind the distance, I can see how this would be uncomfortable). Still, I’ve just gotten Aurel’s letter, and figured I should probably update the clade on current goings on.</p>
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<p>Dear, Serene, and I had a chance to sit down with █████ and come to a better understanding all around. They expressed that, while they’re quite happy for us and who we’ve become, the three of us have all diverged so far in the last 25 years that the shape of the relationship just wasn’t comfortable for them. They apologized for leaving in the way that they did, but said that if they didn’t do so all at once, they’d never have the courage and would just get more and more uncomfortable. They initially used the word ‘miserable’ at which both Dear and I got quite upset, but they quickly amended that to ‘uncomfortable’. </p>
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<p>They don’t really know how to feel about the ways in which we’ve changed, and, honestly, the more we talked, the more I came to agree with them. Their prime example was the ways in which welcoming Serene in changed the dynamics between us. It changed Dear, in particular, and while they like the new Dear, it’s not the same one they fell in love with.</p>
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<p>It all makes sense. There was no acrimony (though there were plenty of tears). They’re going to take a while off and figure out how they feel a little bit better before either reengaging or stepping away for good.</p>
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<p>It makes sense, and yet that doesn’t make it feel any better. Our experiences with loss are limited and all bound up in trauma. What am I to do with this loss? What am I to do with emotions that have wrecked not only me, but also Dear? We can support each other to some extent, but we each grieve in our own complex ways. We’ve stepped on each other’s toes more than once by missing the mark in our support. I take a lot of walks, now.</p>
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<p>Serene, of all of us, has been the most successful at managing her reaction. Of course, she spent the least amount of time with them of all of us and has been away for some while now anyway, but she’s expressed quite a bit of guilt for what she sees as her role as catalyst. Still, she’s somehow managed to sneak in a tightly regimented day for the three of us without either Dear or I noticing, and it’s helped quite a bit. We still wake at the same time, still eat and work and walk and talk together as those in love ought, and perhaps that gives us room to process, but we’re all still hurting.</p>
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<p>Anyway, that’s the state of mind I’ve been in, so it’s obviously going to color a lot of my response to <em>Individuation and Reconciliation</em>.</p>
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<p>The larger part of me is impressed — not just at the goings on and how convoluted everything got so quickly, but at the writing. Well done, you two. I’ll admit to being curious how Jonas is going to spin this in order to keep working as he’d like, though I don’t doubt his abilities, not least of all because he apparently still has seven of the ten Odists in True Name’s stanza working with him (any word on Zacharias, by the way? Certainly doesn’t sound like <em>he’s</em> still working with Jonas!).</p>
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<p>And Sasha! I will admit that, when I read about her, I found it almost hard to picture, so I’ll have to largely take your word for it. When Dear read that bit, though, it got incredibly excited and wouldn’t shut up about it for days, so clearly she’s done something more meaningful than any one of them can express. <em>“We have all been so afraid of becoming what we were,”</em> it keeps saying, though I can’t quite piece together what it means. It’s even mentioned leaving the clade once or twice. Weird, but I won’t complain: it’s the most active and excited that I’ve seen it in quite a while.</p>
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<!-- this likely needs rewriting-->
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<p>Still, there is no small part of me that remains worried and cautious. The last time I spoke with True Name here on Pollux, she was quite friendly and relaxed, almost familiar. While this fits with Sasha’s comment about Jonas and Zacharias framing her reaction differently on each System, it doesn’t fit very well with the note that True Name sent back to Lagrange. Perhaps it’s an artifact of this apparent collusion between the LVs. That the notes from both True Name#Castor and #Pollux were identical bespeaks a level of organization surrounding how Sasha was treated in the decades leading up to her assassination attempt that has me worried for her safety and thus Aurel’s, Ioan’s, and May’s.</p>
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<p>How cynical can one get to set up a situation where one’s own fork is left so beaten down? Even if True Name on the LVs was manipulated into doing so, that still requires a certain level of cynicism to go along with, right? I’m inclined to agree with E.W.’s assessment that Jonas is treating politics as a plaything, and would add on that the same is apparently true of many of the Odists.</p>
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<p>Be careful, Ioan and Aurel. Keep May and Sasha safe. Even if their lives aren’t at risk, this is quite a lot. Clearly a sizeable chunk of the clade is quite upset with them, and that can’t be easy.</p>
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<p><strong>Ioan and Aurel eyes only</strong></p>
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<p>Confidentially, I’ve had more than one nightmare since █████ left about what might happen to any one of us when confronted with the loss of all our partners. █████ left, but Dear and Serene are here, yes? If they were to leave, if Sasha or May were to leave, what would happen to us?</p>
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<p>This is what I mean by current goings on framing my interpretation of <em>I&R</em>. Sorina has been keeping herself busy, burying herself in work, yes, but what I suspect happened is that Codrin and her rushing individuation during those ten minutes turned missing her exes, as she called them, into part of her identity. She cemented her opinions around them in place in her rush to diverge as quickly as possible. She gave herself the out of ‘being able to quit whenever she wanted’, but without the ability to fork and with her no longer being a Codrin at all, that suddenly veers awfully close to suicide.</p>
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<p>She has mechanics on her side, but what do we have? If May or Sasha were to disappear from your lives, I–</p>
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<p>Well.</p>
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<p>I’m not in a good enough spot to finish this letter. I’m sorry.</p>
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<p><strong>End eyes only</strong></p>
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<p>Pass on my love. Dear and Serene send theirs as well.</p>
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<p>Codrin</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-25</p>
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@ -52,7 +52,7 @@
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</li>
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<li class="done1"> Development (footnote saying that at this point, comms include exclusion for requested parties, given to all on the same day)<ol>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="008.html">Aurel → clade</a>: Hi. Summary of <em>Mitzvot</em>, asking after TN, note that replies from other TNs were identical, proving they’re in on it w/ Jonas, PS thoughts on whether or not Ioan and Michelle would have wound up together, b/c Sasha, parallel + intermittent monogamy, gender w/ nicknames, musing on clades + how they might have actually fared prior to uploading (e.g: would that disagreement b/w In Dreams+Hammered Silver w/ them manifest as fights or something?)</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href="009.html">Codrin#Pollux → clade</a>: Moping re: partner</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="009.html">Codrin#Pollux → clade</a>: Moping re: partner</li>
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<li class="done0"> <a href="010.html">Sorina → Ioan</a>: wonders about seeking out new partner to feel fulfilled before getting in touch with exes, never dated before, so what now? (sent before receiving Aurel’s letter)</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="011.html">Ioan → Codrin#Pollux</a>: musing re: never been in a relationship before means never having to break up before (even if it’s only temporary). Talked to May, who asked if it was like Rareş?</li>
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<li class="done1"> <a href="012.html">Sorina → Aurel and Ioan</a>: Why are we in so many relationships with Odists? That is, what do we get out of our relationships with each other?</li>
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