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Madison Scott-Clary 2023-05-13 17:55:08 -07:00
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writing/3/unknown-things/iyov/reverse/choice.html
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<p>This point implies for some an ideal of least faith: that one should strive to live their life taking the least number of things on faith as possible, that to rely too much on faith becomes a fault. For others, it is a principle of least faith: it is an intrinsic property that we tend towards the least amount of faith required to live, as is evidenced by the ever-increasing understanding of the world around ourselves.</p>
<p>And, perhaps because of that principle, this point of least faith is always shifting, trending usually downwards &mdash; though some discoveries, if they are to be believed, may make that line tick upwards. Every day, we drift towards some point at which all things may be known.</p>
<p>And that was mine. That was my point of least faith. That was the point at which I&hellip;&rsquo;doubted&rsquo; is not quite the right word. That was the point at which I shouted at nothing, the point at which I demanded an advocate from no one. That was the point that God, the universe, that very same no one answered my note of interrogation with one of exclamation. Instead of some explicable approach to the problem of identity, it insisted that it is much stranger than I had ever thought.</p>
<p>That was my point of least faith, and that was my very own choice of Job. That was the point at which I could have looked at the mess that had become my life and taken one of two paths.</p>
<p>That was my point of least faith, and that was my own choice of Job. That was the point at which I could have looked at the mess that had become my life and taken one of two paths.</p>
<p>The path of Jonah lay behind me. That was the path of fear, of running away from such an overwhelming unimaginability, whether or not storm-tossed ships and big fish lay before me. That&rsquo;s the path of falling back into Matthew, of being so angry I could die.</p>
<p>The path of Qohelet lay before me. That was the path of wisdom, of pushing through all that shit that the world had thrown at me. That was the path of looking back to see folly and looking ahead to find that, yes, &ldquo;wisdom surpasses folly as light surpasses darkness.&rdquo; (Qohelet 2:13, Alter) Sure, I may yet hate life, might hate what choice I&rsquo;d made, might hate all things under the sun because the wise, too, dies like a fool.</p>
<p>But I would have at least done it.</p>
<p>I was young, once, and dumb. I can hardly say I&rsquo;m any smarter, now, but at least I&rsquo;m Madison. At least I&rsquo;m not that angsty, angry asshole who thought to himself he needed to come to terms with being a terrible person.</p>
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