update from sparkleup
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<p>She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her paws over her face. She certainly looked like she’d dozed off. “Awkward how?”</p>
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<p>“Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I’s relationship beforehand.” Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag, as well, adding, “Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking.”</p>
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<p>“Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least,” she said, grinning. “I have no idea, my dear. I am…I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me <em>qua</em> True Name over the last few years feels more…real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?”</p>
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<p>Ey blinked. “Of course.”</p>
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<p>“May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. Too long a time of the whole clade accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins, perhaps.” She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. “But now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core, I think, as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.”</p>
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<p>Ey knit eir brow and nodded. “Of course.”</p>
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<p>“Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. Too long a time of the whole clade accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins, perhaps.” She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. “But now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core — there must be — as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.”</p>
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<p>“In terms of conflicts?”</p>
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<p>She tilted her head thoughtfully. “I do not feel the pressure of remaining conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. The reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says.”</p>
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<p>She tilted her head thoughtfully. “I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. The reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says.”</p>
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<p>“I’m sorry, True Name, that sounds…I don’t even know. Impossible.”</p>
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<p>“Oh, no, do not get me wrong,” she said, smiling. “It is not unpleasant. It is not what May — or even I — wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, dear.”</p>
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<p>Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks.</p>
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<p>“Yes, see?” She laughed. “Look at you. It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them.”</p>
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<p>“You’re telling me,” ey said, smiling cautiously.</p>
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<p>“Yes, see? Look at you.” She laughed. “It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is…of me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is further, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of your boundaries.”</p>
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<p>“You’re telling me,” ey said, smiling cautiously. “Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward.”</p>
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<p>“Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?”</p>
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<p>Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle of eir own. “Uh…well, sure.”</p>
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<p>For all the confidence in her words, the skunk looked just as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.</p>
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<p>For all the confidence in her words, the skunk looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.</p>
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<p>Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.</p>
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<p>“Jesus…you would think…I would know how this works,” she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized.</p>
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<p>“Here, just– Oh.” Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. “I’d call that pretty awkward, though I don’t know if that’s what you meant.”</p>
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<p>“Not exactly, no,” came her muffled voice. “But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed.”</p>
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<p>Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. “Sorry, True Name.”</p>
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<p>After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. “This is stupid, Ioan,” she grumbled. “This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected. Pet my ears, please.”</p>
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<p>“What? Oh.” Ey shook eir head and brushed fingers over her ears as ey’d done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very nearly the same, and were it not for the difference in clothes and the benefit of two and half decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. “Uh…yeah. Stupid, awkward, and confusing is about the long and short of it. Too awkward?”</p>
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<p>“Uh…yeah. Stupid, awkward, and confusing is about the long and short of it– What? Oh.” Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey’d done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very nearly the same, and were it not for the difference in clothes and the benefit of two and half decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. “Too awkward?”</p>
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<p>“I do not know. The closer I get, the more May I feel, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched, and by none other than you,” she mumbled against the beanbag. “But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?”</p>
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<p>“Almost exactly and not at all,” ey admitted. </p>
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<p>“Almost exactly and not at all.” </p>
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<p>The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. “That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds.”</p>
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<p>“Right. I think I understand a little better.”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but– no, do not stop,” she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. “Awkward, but not bad.”</p>
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<p>They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey’d read up on plurality in the past, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to working with plurality would prove useful for her, but the addition of the concurrent nature of their memories added a layer of complication.</p>
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<p>They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey’d read up on plurality in the past, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to working with plurality would prove useful here, but the addition of the concurrent nature of their memories added a layer of complication.</p>
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<p>Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complicated in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.</p>
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<p><em>If only I could just turn off the overthinking,</em> ey thought. Aloud, ey said, “What do you think you’ll do after all of this?”</p>
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<p>The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. “Sorry, dear. I was dozy. What was that?”</p>
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<p>Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. “What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?”</p>
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<p>“I will relax,” she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side. “I will perhaps have a good night’s sleep. I will walk sims for a few days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then.”</p>
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<p>“I don’t imagine we’ll kick you out forever and never see you again,” ey said, laughing. “And I hope you won’t disappear.”</p>
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<p>“I will not, you need not worry.” She shrugged against eir shoulder. “Beyond that, I do not know. I may write, perhaps.”</p>
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<p>“I will relax,” she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. “I will perhaps have a good night’s sleep. I will walk sims for a few days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then.”</p>
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<p>“No, it’s fine. A break might be nice, but I don’t imagine we’ll kick you out forever and never see you again,” ey said, laughing. “And I hope you won’t disappear.”</p>
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<p>“I will not, you need not worry.” She shrugged against eir shoulder. “Beyond that, I do not know. I may write.”</p>
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<p>“What sorts of things?”</p>
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<p>“Perhaps a companion volume to your <em>History</em>. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?”</p>
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<p>Ey laughed. “That would’ve made life so much easier.”</p>
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<p>“That would’ve made life so much easier.”</p>
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<p>“Why?” She said, smirking up towards em. “No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?”</p>
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<p>“I didn’t yell at her!” Ey shook eir head, grinning. “I just called her manipulative.”</p>
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<p>“I didn’t yell at her!” Ey shook eir head, laughing. “I just called her manipulative.”</p>
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<p>“Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law.” She patted eir thigh. “But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people.”</p>
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<p>“Think you’ll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?”</p>
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<p>There was a long silence, the skunk’s features drawn in in thought. “I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have, a third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends and would like to surround myself with all these people.”</p>
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<p>There was a long silence, the skunk’s features drawn in in thought. “I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people.”</p>
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<p>“And the True Name third?”</p>
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<p>She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. “She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame and rip that smug look off Jonas’s face, and the other half would…but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade.”</p>
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<p>Unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, ey just nodded.</p>
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<p>“But come, that is enough of that,” she said decisively. “Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas’s face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself to sleep after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of hear within one month.”</p>
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<p>“You mean for the meeting with Jonas.”</p>
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<p>“You mean for the meeting with Jonas?”</p>
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<p>“Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in, but having that deadline will only help.”</p>
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<p>“Well, we’ll help you get as ready as we can until then,” ey said. “And probably get ready ourselves. We’ll need to tell End Waking, too.”</p>
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<p>“Of course, dear,” she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey’d grown so used to. </p>
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<p>They both froze.</p>
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<p>“Fuck, I am sorry, Ioan, a habit–“</p>
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<p>“Well, that was–” ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. “Sorry, True Name. Wasn’t expecting that.</p>
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<p>“Well, that was–” ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. “Sorry, True Name. Wasn’t expecting that.”</p>
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<p>She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. “Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment.”</p>
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<p>Ey frowned. “It was unexpected, but I don’t know if it crossed–“</p>
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<p>“It crossed one of <em>my</em> boundaries,” she said, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing. “Sorry, dear. Like I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am learning how to use it through trial and error.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. “Take the space you need.”</p>
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<p>Her shoulders slumped as she managed her rush of anxiety. “I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I will not.” She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. “Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further.”</p>
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<p>Her shoulders slumped. “I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things.” She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. “Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns.”</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-06-02</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-06-04</p>
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