update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-04-19 19:10:11 -07:00
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<!-- Continue, expand with him praying as he thinks -->
<p>He was not ready yet. Not ready for his penitential <em>pater noster</em>. Not ready to go see his advisor. He didn&rsquo;t feel ready for anything.</p>
<p>Most of all, he realized he was not ready to admit to himself that not wanting to be here implied the possible solution of leaving, of <em>not</em> being here. He wasn&rsquo;t ready.</p>
<p><em>&hellip;If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities, Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with you so that you may be revered&hellip;</em></p>
<p>He didn&rsquo;t even feel ready for this prayer, for this call out to God. What iniquities faced him? He was privileged to be able to attend such a school as this. He was loved by God and the church. He was lucky to have been born with a mind so expansive, a body so healthy.</p>
<p>Perhaps the iniquities were within.</p>
<p>Perhaps the iniquities were within. Perhaps it were something about himself, within himself, a core aspect of himself. Perhaps the privilege was undeserved. Just a coyote, right? Just a farmer, right? And yet here he was, languishing at a renowned seminary.</p>
<p><em>&hellip;I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope; my soul waits for the lord more than those who watch the morning, more than those who watch the morning.</em></p>
<p>Dee wished it were night. He wished he could once more sit in the quad and look up at the stars, or down at the grass and try to differentiate the shades of green, there in the dark where color eluded him, to find in that liminal state some sensation of the Lord.</p>
<p>At least he could get get up from where he was and away from this edifice of concrete and glass. It was, he was promised, beautiful in its own way. But around behind the Abbey, toward the lake, a small path wound through the woods, and there, between the trees and beside the water, stood the statue of St. Kateri Tekakwitha, the only other coyote saint he&rsquo;d ever come across, and the saint most venerated by his father.</p>