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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-08-13 21:25:10 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/05-no-way-2.html
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<p>Sometimes, it feels like envy. It feels like I&rsquo;m craving something that I cannot have, something that is being kept from me in some form or another. By whom? Who would possibly be keeping me from Kay? Kay herself? God? Myself? I cannot begin to place any sort of blame on any one source.</p>
<p>Other times, however, I recognize that there is nothing keeping me from &lsquo;having&rsquo; her, and that perhaps I am simply jealous of something that I do not yet have, but see myself having in the future.</p>
<p>And other times still, both words fail, and I&rsquo;m left simply with yearning.</p>
<p>I&rsquo;m left with yearning, and I know that the only one who I am hurting in these situations is me.</p>
<p>I&rsquo;m left with yearning, and I know that the only one who I am hurting in these situations is me, that to love myself as I would love a neighbor feels always out of reach.</p>
<hr />
<p>I see a client with obsessive compulsive disorder. She has a tendency to pick at her fur and skin, some troubles with physical affection that make her feel &lsquo;gross&rsquo;, a fear of driving that leads her to worry that someone has been struck by the car, and a sort of external claustrophobia that leads her to struggle with the idea of closed-in spaces such as cabinets and cupboards, which we suspect stems from some early childhood abuse.</p>
<p>She also struggles with relationship-rightness with her husband. She worries constantly that he might not be, in some way, okay. It&rsquo;s not that she thinks he might not love her, or that she might not be good for him, but that if there is anything wrong in his life in any way, that she must address it. It goes beyond simply needing to comfort him, and well into the territory of her world falling apart should anything be wrong that she cannot address.<sup id="fnref:codependence"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:codependence">1</a></sup> It did not matter what that wrongness might be. Often, the wrongness would be unnameable, ineffable, hypothetical.</p>