update from sparkleup

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object.html

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 <p>Jeremy brings up a lot of very good points and I will admit that I am both pleased that he has recognized the work that I have done already (and that he apparently enjoyed my writing) and also a little frustrated that I still have so far to go. However, I recognize that the latter sensation there is a fallacy and the result of me not being mindful and in the moment. The mind is ever drawn to conclusions and finales, when in reality, this is a process, not an end goal to be achieved. He is very careful in his writing there, in that he specifies that I should &ldquo;see where they go&rdquo; and &ldquo;what could moving forward look like&rdquo;. This is very process-oriented language, and something that I would do well to engage with, myself.</p>
 <p>I can also tell that he is gently nudging me away from being hung up on the past. I know that that hug with Kay has stuck with me, and that I have done a very good job on latching onto moments when we have gotten particularly close or that she has shown me a level or quality of attention that has felt particularly fulfilling. It is important to have good memories, but it is also important to not stagnate.</p>
 <p>The second item of note is that I had a dream about Kay last night.</p>
-<p>(dreamed about Kay)</p>
+<p>Dreams are such nothing things. At best, they represent a means by which the unconscious mind adapts to stressors in order to build up defense mechanisms, and at worse they represent random firings of neurons in the sleeping brain &mdash; neurons that perhaps fired rather a lot during the day.</p>
+<p>Dreams are such nothing things, and yet to them we pin so much meaning.</p>
+<p>I dreamed that Kay and I were back at her senior recital, except that she was sitting next to me in the audience instead of up on stage, and we were watching her works being performed together. We were silent, rapt. The whole audience was rapt. The works were of breathtaking beauty[0] and when they were finished, the applause was so uproarious that she was not able to make it back up to the stage to take her bow. I tried to help her, but she got separated from me and was drawn off.</p>
+<p>She did not seem displeased by this, however when I called after her, I, as in so many other dreams we <em>all</em> have, had no voice. I was barely able to manage a whisper, and my muscles grew so weak and my limbs so heavy that I fell over and that&rsquo;s when I woke up.</p>
+<p>Powerlessness, separation, falling, these are all common features in dreams, and yet I am pretty firmly in the school of dream interpretation being largely bunk. Sleep is a protective action for the body, and dreaming is just the same for the mind. It is unguided, and serves to provide a break from taxing both our physical and our mental forms.</p>
+<p>But we are so hard-wired to read deeper meanings into the mindless mutterings of countless neurons. &ldquo;What does it mean that she was sitting next to me? Does it mean anything in particular that we were separated from each other? Why did I become so weak without her presence?&rdquo; Some part of me craves answers to these questions and so many more, but there are no answers to be had because they are non-questions. They are questions one might ask the sky supposing only that that is where God resides.</p>
+<p>Dreaming of someone that you have a crush on means absolutely nothing, and yet it certainly feels like it must mean a lot. It has left me with a lot to think about and a lot to feel whether I want it to or not.</p>
+<p>[0] Not that they weren&rsquo;t very good at the time, of course, though they were certainly beyond my ability as an active listener, and beauty often seemed not to be the goal. She tried to teach me about them, once, but we are not built the same.</p>
 <hr />
 <p>(Jeremy suggests at therapy that it might be worth opening up about feelings to Kay)</p>
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