update from sparkleup
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<p>It’s been about three and a half years since the fourth convergence, the meeting of the Artemesians with Castor. Life has taken a bit of a swing toward the adventuresome as news and new technology trickle their way back down to Lagrange, the original instance of the System in orbit around Earth. Technological changes include finer-grained ACLs that control permissions on various bits of the System, allowing for opaqued or visually secure cones of silence, limits on sensorium messages, etc.</p>
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<p>During those three years, <em>Ioan Bălan</em> has been getting coffee with <em>The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream</em> of the Ode clade once a month. While the relationship between True Name and…well, everyone has been kind of strained, it was particularly tense between her and Ioan’s partner <em>May Then My Name Die With Me</em> of the Ode clade, who, for years, struggled with feelings of hatred towards True Name. Although that hatred has softened towards resentment, these monthly coffee dates, where Ioan and True Name just chat and then work on their own projects, have been meant to keep avenues open between the two, since neither May nor True Name have given up hope on figuring out a path forward. They always seem to talk about each other to Ioan, and it kind of feels like they <em>want</em> to move forward, but they can’t yet find a way.</p>
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<p>Oh, speaking of projects, Ioan is working on adapting eir book <em>On the Perils of Memory</em> (the story of Qoheleth) for the stage, True Name is prepping the System on the political side for the technological advancement that will allow audiovisual communication between the System and Earth instead of just text, and May is working on a monologue about being built to love.</p>
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<p>Ioan and May are just <em>incredibly</em> gay together, and it’s painfully sweet, but I promise it’s a legit plot element.</p>
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<p>Ioan and May are just <em>incredibly</em> gay together, and it’s painfully sweet, but I promise it’s a legit plot element. They talk about how May forms and keeps relationships, that she only forms relationships as her root instance, and if a new one starts up while one is still going, only then will she fork to continue two relationships. Sorta like parallel monogamy. Ioan is her sixteenth relationship serious enough to warrant a fork (though, given the way she stepped back from True Name’s guidance, she hasn’t done so yet), and we learn that some of her forks are doubtless still in relationships, but that she lets them live their own private lives and never accepts merges when they quit, so she knows very little about them.</p>
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<p>Meanwhile, after a windstorm blew a tree over and crushed his tent and impaled his leg on a branch, <em>Do I Know God After The End Waking</em> has interrupted his months of solitude and called his boyfriend <em>Debarre</em> back to help him rebuild the tent in a new location. They’re also pretty gay, but, like, in a super stoic way because E.W. can’t emote and Debarre is a weasel and thus made of angst. May stops by their sim to visit and a) complain about the fact that True Name is in eir life, b) fret about why this still feels important, and c) flirt with Debarre (who is Very Gay™) to make him uncomfortable.</p>
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<p>Ioan heads out to Arrowhead Lake — the abandoned mountain lake sim that ey discovered decades back — for a walk to try and tease apart eir own feelings on being the bridge between May and True Name. Ey worries that ey has this urge to fix things in relationships, whether or not ey actually can (or whether or not those involved even want that). Ey’s been fretting about this for a while, and even May has picked up on it, as she mentions when they go out to dinner afterwards. She suggests that this is maybe something that has always been the case for em, and that em uploading to provide eir brother Rareș with the subsidy funds was a way for em to ‘fix’ the situation as best ey could.</p>
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<p>True Name and Ioan have agreed that their next monthly meeting should be on Secession/Launch day, January 21 (yes I chose my birthday, no I am not sorry). This time, though, True Name arrives looking terrible, paranoid, like she hasn’t slept in days, hasn’t showered in a week, and hasn’t changed her clothes in even longer. She says that she’s been struggling, but that she and <em>Jonas Anderson</em>, the other behind-the-scenes leader of the System, have a ‘gathering’ later in the day. Weird choice of words, but that’s what he said. As part of that, she’s distracted with the fact that her instances are going to merge down before the gathering to reduce conflicts. Partway through this, one merge has learned that Jonas is looking for her, which is weird, because he knows she’s with Ioan. The merges suddenly stop, though, along with all communication with her instances. She leaps to her feet, looks around the coffee shop, and sees the same assassin that killed Qoheleth walking toward them, so she grabs Ioan’s hand and yells for em to take her ‘somewhere, anywhere’. Ey tries taking her home, where they find the same assassin struggling with May, who forks, grabs the both of them, and yanks them to Arrowhead Lake. May is <em>furious</em>, and True Name caught in the middle of panic attack. She susses out that Jonas just tried to assassinate her.</p>
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<p>Once ey makes eir way back to the lake, True Name finishes her sulk and rejoins them. She thanks them for getting her out of that alive and starts to say that she’ll have to create a new sim for herself since home probably isn’t safe, but May reluctantly suggests that she stay with them, instead, reasoning that it would be too easy for her to just disappear in a private sim and either get got as soon as she leaves or go crazy in her solitude. If she stays with them, though, not only is she around others, but those others are well enough known on the System that it’ll dissuade Jonas from attacking her, lest May and Ioan, as trustworthy voices, catch him and make it public. It’s awkward, but about the best they can do. Still, no one’s comfortable going back just yet, so Ioan forks to meet up with End Waking and pick up camping gear so they can stay a night at the lake and have a night to regroup. End Waking and Debarre are supremely unhappy about the situation, and also kind of boggling at the fact that May is even putting up with True Name.</p>
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<p>While camping, True Name apologizes for the fact that she’s been spying on them, as those seventeen that were swept were some of her spies, mostly others from the clade. Combined with a hunch ey had during one of their earlier coffee dates, this seems to imply that True Name on Castor never told True Name on Lagrange about the whole incident of Answers Will Not Help losing it and saying the Name in front of Codrin, showing that maybe Jonas’s conspiracy includes the other instances of True Name as well, and it’s only this one he’s going after.</p>
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<p>Once they make it back home and get some coffee, Ioan expands eir house to include a second bedroom/bathroom for True Name to stay in. The next few days are very careful, though everyone’s polite and there’s no skunkfights. On the third day, though, True Name pulls May into a conversation in a visually secure cone of silence for about an hour. When it drops, True Name looks like she’s been put through a wringer and May looks apoplectic. May leaves without a word, only sending Ioan a brief glimpse of the lake to show she’s alright. True Name refuses to expand on what the conversation was about other than to make vague allusions to Jonas’s quip about mommies and daddies fighting.</p>
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<p>May visits End Waking and Debarre after crying herself out. She explains more about the current situation and says that what True Name told her is too much to even talk about, though we get the impression End Waking may know more than what she says aloud. She talks about how she’s feeling torn, that she wishes TN was no more so that she wouldn’t be in their lives, but also that she doesn’t want her to die. Debarre echoes this sentiment. End Waking is stoic some more until May suggests he merge down with True Name, at which he gets kind of shouty. After she leaves, Debarre and End Waking talk, the latter saying he’s not too keen on the idea of merging down because that means True Name will have his penance without having done any of the work herself. Debarre disagrees, saying that she’ll also have the memories of the work of penance. He suggests that one reason May might want him to do this is to hurt True Name, and that she’s even considering this means that she’s a more complex individual than previously, since she used to just love everyone. End Waking gets upset because that would mean that, for him to be a more complex individual, he’d have to admit something other than his solitude and penance into his life. It’s implied that they bone, after which End Waking jokes that, if he does merge down, True Name will have memories of that as well, to which Debarre says let her, at least she can have good things, too.</p>
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<p>May visits End Waking and Debarre after crying herself out. She explains more about the current situation and says that what True Name told her is too much to even talk about except that Jonas has played a long game with True Name and has been controlling her from the beginning, though we get the impression End Waking may know more than what she says aloud. She talks about how she’s feeling torn, that she wishes TN was no more so that she wouldn’t be in their lives, but also that she doesn’t want her to die. Debarre echoes this sentiment. End Waking is stoic some more until May suggests he merge down with True Name, at which he gets kind of shouty. After she leaves, Debarre and End Waking talk, the latter saying he’s not too keen on the idea of merging down because that means True Name will have his penance without having done any of the work herself. Debarre disagrees, saying that she’ll also have the memories of the work of penance. He suggests that one reason May might want him to do this is to hurt True Name, and that she’s even considering this means that she’s a more complex individual than previously, since she used to just love everyone. End Waking gets upset because that would mean that, for him to be a more complex individual, he’d have to admit something other than his solitude and penance into his life. It’s implied that they bone, after which End Waking jokes that, if he does merge down, True Name will have memories of that as well, to which Debarre says let her, at least she can have good things, too.</p>
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<p>With May out of the house, Ioan is anxious and True Name is mopey. They eventually pull themselves together enough to cook and eat dinner. May returns in the middle of it, acting a bit like a goofball, which she explains away as not wanting to fall back into just crying all the time as she had been around True Name. Over the next few days, May and True Name have a few more private conversations, and May heads out to visit End Waking a few more times. When she mentions to Ioan that they’ve been talking about the possibility of the merge, ey isn’t so sure; ey thinks it might be a good idea overall just to help True Name live a more complete life now that the one singular aspect she focused on has been taken away, but that if she’s to have a talk with Jonas, she probably needs to be in top shape to do so, not crushed under a century and a half of memories and all their conflicts. May reluctantly agrees, but when True Name goes on a bit of a rant about the position she’s found herself in, May gets too frustrated and signals to End Waking to start the merge process anyway. True Name collapses under the weight of having to actually process those memories, and May breaks down on realizing what she’s done.</p>
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<h2 id="part-3-apprehension">Part 3 — Apprehension</h2>
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<p>After a few hours, True Name is back up on her feet, but it’s not until the next day that she’s actually more with it. She requests that they head out to the lake, since she now has End Waking’s desire for being outside (and hatred of being inside), where the three of them talk about what happened. She says she understands how May did this — using all of her May powers to convince both End Waking to merge down and True Name to accept the merge — and maybe even the why, but also says that May has essentially split her mind in two. It gets kind of tense, so Ioan asks what good memories she has now, rather than just all of the conflicting pride/penance. She lists a few things, but ends by thanking May for thinking of her. After all, now she has all these memories of her telling End Waking about not wanting her to die, too.</p>
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<p>True Name remains shaky and restless even after they return back home, reconciling memories of penance, but also of End Waking and Debarre’s relationship. She was in her own on-again-off-again relationship with a red fox named Zacharias over the years — they wound up more openly together (and more openly ruling) on Pollux, but on the home System, she kept the relationship at a distance (‘lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners’).</p>
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<p>Through these discussions, Ioan begins to wonder at the fact that May has done just what ey was trying not to: taken a drastic step to fix someone else’s problems for them. Ey starts to worry that, with this new problem of True Name being unhappy, she’ll decide to merge down next. When ey asks, she admits that it had been on her mind until she’d seen just how poorly this merge had gone. Ey voices a worry that that’d mean that True Name would have May’s memories of being with em.</p>
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<p>Eventually, though, everything builds up too much and she snaps at Ioan and May before stepping out to Arrowhead Lake. She returns a few hours later, looking dirty and scuffed up, stating that she’s going to go camp there for a few days for the solitude. Ioan and May deduce that she’s ‘overflowing’, and when ey asks, May admits that she’s perilously close to doing the same. The next morning, she’s not doing well at all, so ey goes to stay with <em>Douglas Hadje</em>, as ey usually does when she overflows with emotions. When ey arrives at Douglas’s sim, ey breaks down with all of the emotion ey’s been holding at bay throughout this crazy process.</p>
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<p>Douglas gets in contact with End Waking and Debarre to ask them to come visit, as Ioan isn’t doing so well. The other three are a little surprised as Ioan talks through the story of May essentially manipulating End Waking into merging down and True Name into accepting. They talk through eir concerns about May potentially merging down, including True Name having memories of eir and May’s relationship together, and the related worry that that might mean True Name would wind up feeling the same about em that May does. After wishing em the best, End Waking requests that Debarre step home with him for a few, where he requests some solitude now that the tent is done. Debarre figured this was coming and is already good to go. They’re really cute. Debarre steps back to Douglas’s to finish the conversation before heading home, where we learn that he was one of the ‘reactive elements’ that True Name thought might have been the one to try and assassinate her before she learned it was Jonas.</p>
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<p>Ioan sets up an appointment with eir therapist, <em>Sarah Genet</em> (who is also the therapist for all the Odists) to talk through much the same. A few days later, May shows up in the small hours of the morning and reunites with Ioan. She’s not ‘back to baseline’ yet, but she’s feeling well enough to have em around and doesn’t want to be alone. True Name hasn’t returned yet, but partway through eating dinner together, Ioan and May both get a sensorium message from her, just a brief glimpse of a well-dressed red fox sitting nearby out at the lake. They both hurry to the sim to find Zacharias taunting True Name for ‘roughing it’ out in the wilderness, calling her ‘my little stink bug’ and so on. He’s a real shithead all around, and when May snarks back at him, he slaps her across the face. When Ioan tries to hit back, May gets them away from each other by forking so that her new instances overlap with theirs, the collision algorithms forcing them apart. He says he’s out there to see if True Name is willing to talk now, but the subtext is that Jonas sent him specifically just to undermine her confidence.</p>
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<p>Back home, May and True Name finally explain what their huge conversation was: Zacharias is one of May’s first relationship forks. Centuries ago, perhaps five years after Secession, back when she and True Name were almost exactly alike, May forked to form a friendship/relationship with someone who turned out to be a heavily modified fork of Jonas. This version of Jonas slowly won Zacharias over to his side, encouraged him to change, and then pushed him to get into a relationship with True Name. They kept this secret until a few years after Launch, when they dropped the news on her on all three Systems (Lagrange, Castor, and Pollux) at the same time. Jonas and Zacharias used that to set up different situations on each System: the previous status quo on Castor, the Guiding Council on Pollux, and this slow attempt to grind True Name down on Lagrange.</p>
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<p>Since Zacharias found True Name at Arrowhead Lake, that means that sim is no longer secure, so Ioan grabs a plains environment with a section of river off the reputation exchange and sets it up outside eir home so that True Name can retreat out there when feeling the need for solitude and no walls. This allows End Waking to visit a few times, talking with True Name and trying to understand where both she and May are coming from now that he’s involved in this, too. In the process of talking, Ioan and May mention her vague thoughts on merging down, and True Name is oddly rather for it. She feels unbalanced, and if she were able to go into the merge knowing full well what to expect, what to keep or discard, and knowing that she could fork beforehand, she’d have a much easier time and might come out the other side far better. Eventually, the three of them say ‘fuck it’ and decide to go through with it so long as they approach it very carefully and respect Ioan and May’s boundaries.</p>
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<h2 id="part-4-reconciliation">Part 4 — Reconciliation</h2>
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