From bf71afd1cc3f946b8aa29b635ac45cf5c8203e86 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Madison Scott-Clary <mscottclary@nvidia.com>
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2021 12:40:10 -0700
Subject: [PATCH] update from sparkleup

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 1 file changed, 122 insertions(+), 4 deletions(-)

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             <article class="content">
                 <h1 id="critiques-2">Critiques 2</h1>
 <ul>
-<li>Kiri:</li>
-<li>Al:</li>
-<li>Kyell:</li>
-<li>Dayna:</li>
+<li>Kiri:<ul>
+<li>Twists and turns, interested to see where it would go/pan out</li>
+<li>Neat to see it pivot to Ursula&rsquo;s from Sim&rsquo;s</li>
+<li>Nice to see characters from the wrong side, more chaotic</li>
+<li>Bit more characterization from Ursula early on, comes off as Sim being her hype man</li>
+<li>Dialog, had to read it over, aimless</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Al:<ul>
+<li>Beautifully written, lyrical, poetic, like listening to a song</li>
+<li>Themes/motifs of opposites: size differences</li>
+<li>How many terms the words jump can mean (Sim needs to jump, Ursula jumping people, Sim jumping Ursula&rsquo;s bones, literal jump at the end)</li>
+<li>Startup/Index area</li>
+<li>Run-ons were kind of nice to make the action move faster</li>
+<li>Some words repetitive close to one another</li>
+<li>Ending emotional, want to believe she&rsquo;s running away to a better life.</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Kyell:<ul>
+<li>Nervous because more personal? Done quickly? Hope you&rsquo;ve been reassured</li>
+<li>Works well as is, more about shoring up what&rsquo;s there and adding texture</li>
+<li>Voice is very strong:<ul>
+<li>familiar, echoing folk songs/tales</li>
+<li>feels like someone telling about what <em>really</em> happened</li>
+<li>Sim&rsquo;s voice within the voice is a pleasure b/c it&rsquo;s jumpy</li>
+<li>Ursula has a voice, even though she has no dialog, it&rsquo;s still present in the descriptions and physicality</li>
+<li>Two or three sex scenes in one sentence each, works despite not getting the scene</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Thematic meanings of jump</li>
+<li>Contrast between the early part and later part:<ul>
+<li>early part is very grounded, enjoyably so</li>
+<li>Ending part, a lot of space spent on parts where there was less</li>
+<li>After the convenience store, there&rsquo;s a shift toward imagination</li>
+<li>Kind of drop back to the real world, but still, Sim is imagining Ursula</li>
+<li>Then on to magical realism</li>
+<li>Signal the transition between physical and imagined worlds</li>
+<li>Head toward magical realism, bounce around in the middle, which can work, but feels a little arbitrary</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Opportunity to show us more about the relationship between Sim and Ursula:<ul>
+<li>What&rsquo;s the snap/final straw?</li>
+<li>How many times has he made that speech about going straight?</li>
+<li>A bit tricky b/c Ursula doesn&rsquo;t speak, so we don&rsquo;t hear &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve heard this 10 times before&rdquo; or, re: abusive relationship, &ldquo;Maybe he really means it this time&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Maybe the convenience store is the last straw? &ldquo;This has to be it, why do they keep having to go off and do other things&rdquo; - maybe bring that back?</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Four possible stories<sup id="fnref:fivesections"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:fivesections">1</a></sup>:<ul>
+<li>Internal story</li>
+<li>Interpersonal story</li>
+<li>External story (plot)</li>
+<li>World story</li>
+<li>In a novel, have all four, but in short story, usually just three</li>
+<li>May not need the fourth, but it might help solidify it:<ul>
+<li>Why does Ursula need to say?</li>
+<li>Why do they need to keep doing this?</li>
+<li>In abusive relationships, there&rsquo;s usually a reason (imagined or otherwise) why they stay</li>
+<li>Maybe just a couple of sentences for a little more background without having to be specific to the characters themselves</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Dayna:<ul>
+<li>A joy to read</li>
+<li>cool things being done with voice:<ul>
+<li>Integral to forming the story from the beginning, whereas that usually comes in later drafts</li>
+<li>Sim&rsquo;s voice is pretty complete for characterization, good for other stuff in intermediary way</li>
+<li>Narrator voice:<ul>
+<li>I/we is good</li>
+<li>Refrains for days - bought repetitions more than might have otherwise done because of song-like aspect</li>
+<li>Narrative folk song</li>
+<li>Indirect characterization - opposites serve well, showing what the other is not</li>
+<li>Noverbal character (or is she&hellip;?):<ul>
+<li>Veering towards Sim&rsquo;s style, so Sim probably just hears a mumble</li>
+<li>&hellip;</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Imagine/suppose:<ul>
+<li>sometimes whistful</li>
+<li>Sometimes definitely supposed to infer, or infer the opposite</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Narrator voice can make one further jump before the last jump (the biggest jump)</li>
+<li>Need more outright shift their eye to Ursula according to what she really wants, as opposed to Sim rewriting her</li>
+<li>Before Ursula&rsquo;s flight through the woods, need more from Ursula</li>
+<li>It&rsquo;s like an ache, endless pining on of smaller bummers, but we miss the actual snap</li>
+<li>Want the clear eye turned on Ursula so that we can&rsquo;t doubt it</li>
+<li>Vagueness around &ldquo;time passes, and <em>someone</em> saw her&rdquo;</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>Unreliable narrator narrating an unreliable character who is narrating the other character unreliably, jumping to conclusions - Sim is trying to overwrite her presently, but also into her future</li>
+<li>Ambiguous ending that intends to be ambiguous and restructures the stuff before</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
 <li>Makyo:</li>
 </ul>
+<div class="footnote">
+<hr />
+<ol>
+<li id="fn:fivesections">
+<p>FIVE SCAFFOLDINGS WHEN YOU WISH TO BOOK A THING</p>
+<p>PLOT
+Any meaningful action in a book— every time something moves a little bit in the book— every happening. Example: “The king died, and the queen died.”</p>
+<p>STORY
+The causality that ties the plot elements together and makes them make sense/be compelling. (Without this, plot would be just a bunch of stuff happening.) Example: “The king died, and the queen died of grief.”</p>
+<p>STRUCTURE (**this vs. Narrative is when vs. how)
+The order in which you tell these things, the presentation element, the revelation of information.</p>
+<p>VOICE
+The words that the characters use to communicate the story, to communicate with the reader (POV, protag, etc.)</p>
+<p>NARRATIVE (TONE) (this vs. Structure is how vs. when)
+Style description, the actual presentation of the words to the reader, the mannerisms you choose for the phrasing of the story.</p>
+<p>THERE ARE FOUR STREAMS OF STORY THAT EVERY BOOK SHOULD HAVE
+In a world that’s suitably complex, each of these streams should change significantly. If one chapter is high-intensity INTERNAL, the next might be INTERPERSONAL, or one of the others. Transfer between the streams in terms of focus chapter to the following.</p>
+<p>Your character’s INTERNAL</p>
+<p>INTERPERSONAL</p>
+<p>EXTERNAL (plot)</p>
+<p>WORLD STREAM (the way in which the world is changing)&#160;<a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:fivesections" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">&#8617;</a></p>
+</li>
+</ol>
+</div>
             </article>
             <footer>
                 <p>Page generated on 2021-06-10</p>