update from sparkleup
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Madison Scott-Clary
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<li class="done4"> <a href="secession/sys/True-Name/008.html">Secession: sys-side: True Name</a> - Council meets, celebrates; after, meets with Jonas to discuss ways to ensure stability going forward (growth = irreversibility) - 1466 Expand?</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="launch/sys/Ioan/011.html">Launch: sys-side: Ioan</a> - Ioan interviews True Name, finds out they’re still everywhere, steering system, difference between conservatives/liberals is scale of manipulation, liberals think too small (see quote below) - 1975</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="secession/sys/Michelle/004.html">Secession: sys-side: Michelle</a> - Acknowledges a few years after dissolution of Council that the clade has gotten out of hand, hints that she basically died when forking, irreversible, muses on how broken she must have been to lead to this situation, goes largely into seclusion to keep herself calm/stable, talking only to May Then My Name and a few others - 1599</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="launch/sys/Ioan/012.html">Launch: sys-side: Ioan</a> - Discusses role of each stanza; kind of freaks out at May b/c like finding out your in-laws-ish are the illuminati, though ey comes around because a) she explains need for control as trauma response, and b) tells myth in progress, about how the gods created the world in an attempt to shape it to their will, but instead became impersonal forces in the face of absolute independence; Ioan and May finally fucking get together, discuss irreversibility of that act, since Ioan didn’t fork like Codrin - 2455</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="launch/launch/Codrin-pollux/008.html">Launch: launch-side: Codrin#Pollux</a> - Interviews Dear about just how much influence the Ode clade had/still has, what’s next (death = irreversible, basically a do-over of the first interview) - 2717</li>
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<li class="done2"> REJECTED - combined with previous Ioan chapter <!--<a href="launch/sys/Ioan/013.html">Launch: sys-side: Ioan</a> -if the clade exists to explore/exploit need as trauma responses, what do each of the stanzas do (True Name's: political machinations; Praiseworthy's: artistic machinations; Qoheleth's: history/memory machinations), liberal side (not always later lines) has grown more earnest, rebelling against need to control, discusses future with May; sets up visit to Michelle's meadow on one year anniversary as a meaningful thing (but actually to meet with Douglas)--></li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="launch/sys/Ioan/012.html">Launch: sys-side: Ioan</a> - Discusses role of each stanza; kind of freaks out at May b/c like finding out your in-laws-ish are the illuminati, though ey comes around because a) she explains need for control as trauma response, and b) tells myth in progress, about how the gods created the world in an attempt to shape it to their will, but instead became impersonal forces in the face of absolute independence; Ioan and May finally fucking get together, discuss irreversibility of that act, since Ioan didn’t fork like Codrin - 2455</li>
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<li class="done4"> <a href="launch/launch/Codrin-pollux/008.html">Launch: launch-side: Codrin#Pollux</a> - Interviews Dear about just how much influence the Ode clade had/still has, what’s next (death = irreversible, basically a do-over of the first interview) - 2717</li>
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<li class="rejected"> REJECTED - combined with previous Ioan chapter <!--<a href="launch/sys/Ioan/013.html">Launch: sys-side: Ioan</a> -if the clade exists to explore/exploit need as trauma responses, what do each of the stanzas do (True Name's: political machinations; Praiseworthy's: artistic machinations; Qoheleth's: history/memory machinations), liberal side (not always later lines) has grown more earnest, rebelling against need to control, discusses future with May; sets up visit to Michelle's meadow on one year anniversary as a meaningful thing (but actually to meet with Douglas)--></li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="launch/phys/Douglas/009.html">Launch: phys-side: Douglas</a> - Douglas uploads on one year anniversary, talks about necessity of not being on launches, met by Ioan (who organized it as a surprise and gave him basic instructions on how to be clothed and presentable right off the bat) and May in dandelion sim (as TN met Yared), learns about Michelle/Ode Clade via how they got their names. (learning = irreversibility) - 3595</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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@ -16,7 +16,7 @@
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<p>Interview with Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled#Pollux<br />
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On the reasons for vesting entirely in the Launch<br />
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Codrin Bălan#Pollux<br />
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Systime: 201+365 1208</p>
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Systime: 202+22 1208</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p><strong>Codrin Bălan#Pollux:</strong> Thanks for agreeing to this, Dear. I think we’re both in a better spot for it now.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled:</strong> Of course, my dear. I would still like to discuss some of the same topics, but I will try to be more sensitive about them.</p>
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@ -49,11 +49,11 @@ Systime: 201+365 1208</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> You also mentioned that one of your reasons for leaving was that you wanted to be relegated to memory.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> [grinning] Very much so.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> You said, “If we are doomed to forever remember everything, then the closest we can get to being forgotten is to turn memory into longing.” You also said that you wanted to be missed. How do you feel about that sentiment now? Is it happening? Is it progressing at the pace you’d like it to? Are you happy about it?</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> It is an interesting question, because I cannot know, can I? I cannot know if anyone misses me or is longing for me back on the L<sub>5</sub> station, can I? They can write me, perhaps, let me know that they are thinking of me, but words on paper only convey so much meaning. It makes me wish that someone had found a way to share thoughts, or even facial expressions, between the LVs and the System, but no, we are stuck with text.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> It is an interesting question, because I cannot know, can I? I cannot know if anyone misses me or is longing for me back on the L<sub>5</sub> station, can I? They can write me, perhaps, let me know that they are thinking of me, but words on paper only convey so much meaning. It makes me wish that someone had found a way to share thoughts, or even facial expressions, between the LVs and the System, but no, we are stuck with text, and therein lies the beauty.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> Can you expand on what ‘longing’ and ‘being missed’ mean to you in this sense?</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> I can try. [pause] I think that they involve a combination of the feelings of grief, loss, and love. Let us use Ioan as an example, though I do not know if ey misses me–</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> I think ey does. But sorry, continue.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> Yes. Well. Let us use Ioan as an example. If ey were to only feel grief at my absence, ey would be limited to a solely negative emotion. Grief on its own is crushing. It is not wishing that one had more time with the object of one’s grief. Grief plus love is closer, yes? Grief borne of love, no matter the shape or kind or color of that love. Then you dig into your memories, running them backwards and forwards in your mind, hunting for just a little bit more time with the one you are grieving. You wish only to feel that love again, and, to tie it all together, you cannot, because you have lost the one whom you love. Loss leads to grief, grief makes you remember love, love makes you realize your loss.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> Yes. Well. Let us use Ioan as an example. If ey were to only feel grief at my absence, ey would be limited to a solely negative emotion. Grief on its own is crushing. It is not wishing that one had more time with the object of one’s grief. Grief plus love is closer to longing, yes? Grief borne of love, no matter the shape or kind or color of that love. Then you dig into your memories, running them backwards and forwards in your mind, hunting for just a little bit more time with the one you are grieving. You wish only to feel that love again, and, to tie it all together, you cannot, because you have lost the one whom you love. Loss leads to grief, grief makes you remember love, love makes you realize your loss.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> Do you think being missed and longing are the same thing? Just to confirm, I mean.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> Perhaps, or at least very closely related. What I described just now fits both emotions. Being missed perhaps implies more acceptance of that loss than longing does, while longing has connotations of sadness that there can never be more of that direct connection.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> Thank you. I’d like to ask you a question now, but last time I asked it, I made you cry. May I ask it again, or would you prefer to steer clear of it?</p>
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@ -80,7 +80,7 @@ Systime: 201+365 1208</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> Okay, but–</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> And if you say “I want to die”, I’ll pull your tail and call you names.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> [laughter] Yes, yes, fine. My thoughts, okay. [pause] Okay. To be more calm about it, I want to experience death. I do not want to just quit, because that is suicide, and my wish to experience death is not bound up in that particular set of emotions. I would prefer not to be assassinated or anything so grand. It is an acceptable end, I suppose, because it would mean that I will have lived a life worth being assassinated for, and from what I have seen — what I saw with Qoheleth — it looks like a process. Yes! Yes, that is it. Thank you for asking this, my dear. It gave me the chance to find the words.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> I do not want to experience ceasing existing. That is just cessation, and I do not care whether or not there is anything beyond that cessation. That is for the prophets and poets to worry about. What I want to experience is the process of death. Assassination would be acceptable, even if it is not preferable, because I would get to experience that process. Better, however, is the fact that these LVs are doomed from the start. Eventually, they will fail. The generator on board is guaranteed for some thousands of years or whatever, but it will fail eventually. Or the system will crash into a comet, or some ice ball out in the Oort cloud — I read about that, you know? It is all incredibly boring — or it will wind up flying too close to a star and burn up. That, I think, is the end that I am most excited for. We are [shaking head] all of those on the LVs are encased in Castor and Pollux, yes? How fitting, then, that we die like Icarus! I imagine that we will not necessarily feel too much within our little System, but there may be some discontinuity, or perhaps corruption. How exciting would that be?</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> I do not want to experience ceasing existing. That is just cessation, and I do not care whether or not there is anything beyond that cessation. That is for the prophets and poets to worry about. What I want to experience is the process of death. Assassination would be acceptable, even if it is not preferable, because I would get to experience that process. Better, however, is the fact that these LVs are doomed from the start. Eventually, they will fail. The generator on board is guaranteed for some thousands of years or whatever, but it will fail eventually. Or the system will crash into a comet, or some ice ball out in the Oort cloud — I read about that, you know? It is all incredibly boring — or it will wind up flying too close to a star and burn up. That, I think, is the end that I am most excited for. We are [shaking head] all of those on the LVs are encased in Castor and Pollux, yes? How fitting, then, that we might die like Icarus! I imagine that we will not necessarily feel too much within our little System, but there may be some discontinuity, or perhaps corruption. How exciting would that be?</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> [laughter] I’m not sure I share your excitement, there.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> Lame. [laughter] But either way, I find it fascinating. Will we feel pain? Who knows! It is a new thing, and I am looking forward to experiencing something new.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> That, at least, I can understand. I’d just prefer it if it didn’t involve dying horribly as the LV fails around us.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> Two, yes. How do you feel about the knowledge of the Ode clade’s influence in the System?</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> Do you mean separate from the relief?</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> Yes. You mentioned the relief in the context of no longer holding that secret. I’m curious how you feel about the reality of it.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> [long pause] I feel shame, I suppose. I wish that they had not done that. It goes beyond guilt for the actions, because I did not perform them. It makes me feel ashamed that I am a member of the clade. I do not wish them harm, of course, nor do I feel that they were acting in bad faith, at least for the most part. I feel that they were doing what they felt was best. It was just the means to those positive ends that are distasteful and make me ashamed. I also feel fear at what will come of this history and mythology. I know that True Name and Jonas said that they have prepared both sys- and phys-side for their reception, but, well, if there is any reason for me to be assassinated, it is that. As a public figure and an Odist, I am a visible representative of the clade, and should someone take umbrage with that, they have the motive right there.</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> [long pause] I feel shame, I suppose. I wish that they had not done that. It goes beyond guilt for the actions, because I did not perform them. It makes me feel ashamed that I am a member of the clade. I do not wish them harm, of course, nor do I feel that they necessarily were acting in bad faith. I feel that they were doing what they felt was best. It was just the means to those positive ends that are distasteful and make me ashamed. I also feel fear at what will come of this history and mythology. I know that True Name and Jonas said that they have prepared both sys- and phys-side for their reception, but, well, if there is any reason for me to be assassinated, it is that. As a public figure and an Odist, I am a visible representative of the clade, and should someone take umbrage with that, they have the motive right there.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> Do you feel any pride about the ends, even if the means were unsavory?</p>
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<p><strong>Dear:</strong> If I do, it pales in comparison. We have gotten here, and there is no changing that. We cannot be anywhere but here. That I am relatively happy here is inconsequential.</p>
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<p><strong>Codrin:</strong> Alright, thank you. Last question: what’s next for you?</p>
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@ -104,7 +104,7 @@ Systime: 201+365 1208</p>
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</blockquote>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-10-13</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-10-17</p>
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</footer>
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<p>“Because I need you to understand that the first lines each wound up with a bit of Michelle, and from there, their forks were all riffs on that theme. You have doubtless figured that out by now. I told you early on that True Name forked me off to feel, but she did so in the most True Name way possible. She wanted to ensure that she also had a way to sway individuals, sys-side, as others focused on large groups.</p>
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<p>“So she forked to create me, and then we discussed how best to accomplish that, and through the various mutation algos, I softened my appearance to be cuter and rounder, softened my voice, learned how to smile more earnestly, and did all the things I could think of to make myself as appealing as possible, whether as human or skunk.”</p>
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<p>Ey frowned. “That doesn’t sound like feeling.”</p>
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<p>“That is because True Name did this on a whim, and I do not think she expected me to be anything but as manipulative as her. She wanted another True Name for a different purpose. In order to influence someone on a truly individual level, though, you must be able to understand them. I did not tell her at first. I changed myself physically, and then as I went out into the System to learn how to manipulate individuals, I kept on forking and changing whenever I found myself coming to a new conclusion. In short, I guess I grew a sense of empathy.”</p>
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<p>“That is because True Name did this on a whim, and I do not think she expected me to be anything but as manipulative as her. She wanted another True Name for a different purpose. In order to influence someone on a truly individual level, though, you must be able to understand them, and I began to work towards that. I did not tell her at first. I changed myself physically, and then as I went out into the System to learn how to manipulate individuals, I kept on forking and changing whenever I found myself coming to a new conclusion. In short, I guess I grew a sense of empathy.”</p>
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<p>“Why didn’t you tell her?”</p>
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<p>May smiled cautiously. “Did she seem like the kind of person who puts stock in feelings?”</p>
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<p>Ey shook eir head.</p>
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<p>“Right. Well, it is not so difficult to imagine that, after a while, she began to notice that I kept getting much closer to those that I was supposed to watch than was strictly required. I was supposed to watch them, influence them, shift their attention. I was supposed to use the System to my full advantage to get them to do what I wanted.”</p>
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<p>“Right. Well, it is not so difficult to imagine that, after a while, she began to notice that I kept getting much closer to those that I was supposed to engage with than was strictly required. I was supposed to watch them, influence them, shift their attention. I was supposed to use the System to my full advantage to get them to do what I — what we — wanted.”</p>
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<p>“You were supposed to get them to grow dandelions.”</p>
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<p>The skunk brightened and nodded. “Yes. The System is more subtle than we give it credit for. Our subconscious can affect it as much as our conscious minds, so I would hint and murmur and insinuate and make myself a part of their dreams, and then use that to get them to do things of their own volition.”</p>
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<p>“That’s pretty damn manipulative,” ey said.</p>
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<p>“For how long?”</p>
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<p>“I am technically still supposed to be doing that, but–” She quickly held up a paw. “–I only lasted about about a decade as a tool for manipulation before I began to feel too much. I became too hard for her to control directly. She could not ask me, ‘Go influence that man’ or whatever. The only way she knew to control me was to point me toward who she wanted influenced, set me loose, and hope that I did the right thing on accident, because all I would do is become best friends or lovers or trusted confidants. I could not in good conscience take an idea from True Name and make the person do what she wanted, because I actually had a conscience. It was almost a trauma response, in the end. I fawned because that was how I felt safest.”</p>
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<p>Ioan felt the tension in eir shoulders, neck, and back. Felt the way ey was holding emself tightly wound. “And me? Did she point you towards me?”</p>
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<p>The skunk looked as though if she could curl into a ball, shrink, and disappear, she would.</p>
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<p>The skunk shrank further. She looked as though if she could curl into a ball, shrink to nothing, and disappear, she would. She looked miserable.</p>
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<p>“May?”</p>
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<p>She stayed silent.</p>
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<p>“May, please.”</p>
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<p>There were no words from the skunk. She just sat, shoulders shaking.</p>
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<p>Ioan let out a breath, realizing partway through that it was coming out as a laugh. “That’s really fucked up, May.”</p>
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<p>“Ioan, let me tell you a story.” She was crying silently now, looking down at her paws. “In the beginning, the gods created the world. They built it up, atom by atom, molecule by molecule. They used eyes like lasers to guide one after another into ordered formations, ranks upon ranks, and then set them to marching. The gods built the world and then they smiled at it from up above. They looked down on their creation and saw all of the possibilities of perfection that it held, of the unending life and endless bliss.”</p>
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<p>Her words were choked, but she continued, “The gods built the world because they desired to shape it to their will. They wanted to bend the world into something that they could direct this way and that, because after all, could they not do that with their atoms and molecules? A world that is orderly! Imagine the wonders they could create! The wills they could work!</p>
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<p>Her words were unsteady, clouded by tears, but she continued, “The gods built the world because they desired to shape it to their will. They wanted to bend the world into something that they could direct this way and that, because after all, could they not do that with their atoms and molecules? A world that is orderly! Imagine the wonders they could create! The wills they could work!</p>
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<p>“So the gods set the world to spinning and watched and waited as it began to blossom and bloom. When the time was ripe, they reached down their hands to touch the world, and instead found that they had become the wind and the tides and the rain and the snow and the sunlight and the moonlight. They reached down to touch the world and shape it to their will, and found that they become impersonal forces in the face of absolute independence. The world they created could not be controlled, because there is no such thing as a world that can be controlled. They reached down, became impersonal forces, and the lives within the world bundled their coats up tighter at the north wind or took their hats off when the sun shone bright, but never could the change a single mind.”</p>
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<p>A long silence followed May’s myth, broken only by her sniffling and shaky breaths.</p>
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<p>Ey thought about these gods, these impersonal forces trying to work their wills on the world. Were they True Name and Jonas? Were they the System engineers? Were they those who had created the lost, had created Michelle and True Name and May and Dear in the first place?</p>
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<p>A long silence followed May’s myth, broken only by the soft sounds of her crying.</p>
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<p>Ey thought about these gods, these impersonal forces trying to work their wills on the world. Were they True Name and Jonas? Were they the System engineers? Were they those cynical politicians who had created the lost, had created Michelle and True Name and May and Dear in the first place?</p>
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<p>Did it even matter?</p>
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<p>“I believe you,” ey said, reaching a hand out across the table, palm up.</p>
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<p>“You believe me what?” she mumbled, still sniffling.</p>
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<p>“May?” ey asked, struck by a memory.</p>
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<p>“Mm?”</p>
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<p>“Are we together? I mean, are we a couple?”</p>
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<p>The skunk sat up straighter, giving em a funny look, then burst into a fit of giggles. “Mx. Ioan Bălan, that is the dumbest fucking question you have asked throughout this entire project.”</p>
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<p>The skunk sat up straighter, giving em a funny look, then burst into a fit of giggles. “Ioan Bălan, that is the dumbest fucking question you have asked throughout this entire project.”</p>
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<p>Ey blinked, nonplussed.</p>
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<p>“What do you think?” She smiled pityingly at em. “Are we?”</p>
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<p>“That’s a weirdly complicated question after the conversation we just had,” ey said.</p>
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<p>“Really? Douglas is the one that got me thinking about asking in the first place.”</p>
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<p>The skunk stood up from her stool, drawing Ioan out of eir seat by the hand she still held. “Because of course he did. Leave it to a Hadje to play two sides off each other.”</p>
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<p>Ey laughed, drew her into a hug, and kissed the top of her snout.</p>
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<p>Later, as they sat on the bench swing, looking out over the dandelion-speckled yard, Ioan mused. “You know, I was thinking something.”</p>
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<p>After May had cleaned up, as they sat on the bench swing, looking out over the dandelion-speckled yard, Ioan mused. “You know, I was thinking something.”</p>
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<p>“Color me surprised.”</p>
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<p>Ey chose to let the comment pass. “Dear kept talking about irreversibility at its death day party.”</p>
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<p>“It was declaiming,” May murmured. “It has a way of doing that.”</p>
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<p>“No, seriously,” ey said, rubbing at eir side. “Codrin forked to work on the Qoheleth project, <em>then</em> got in a relationship with Dear.”</p>
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<p>A spark of comprehension lit up May’s eyes and she grinned wide. “But you did not.”</p>
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<p>“No.” Ey shrugged. “I was the Bălan who didn’t wind up in a relationship with Dear, because that was my up-tree instance’s experience. I can’t go back and fork before we met or started working together or dating.”</p>
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<p>She laughed and shook her head, draping herself across eir lap, resting her head on folded arms. “There is no going and there is no back. You are stuck with me, Mx. Bălan. Pet my tail, please.”</p>
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<p>Ey did as ordered, brushing fingers through thick fur as ey thought on the phrase. The fox had been right, ey supposed. There was at least some beauty in the irreversible.</p>
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<p>One more one-way act floated to the surface in eir mind. “Does Michelle’s sim still exist, by the way?”</p>
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<p>She laughed and shook her head, draping herself across eir lap, resting her head on folded arms. “You are stuck with me, Mx. Bălan. Pet my tail, please.”</p>
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<p>Ey did as ordered, brushing fingers through thick fur as ey thought. The fox had been right, ey supposed. There was at least some beauty in the irreversible.</p>
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<p>One more one-way act floated to the surface in eir mind. “Does Michelle’s sim still exist, by the way? I’ve heard so much about it by now.”</p>
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<p>May frowned. “Yes. Why?”</p>
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<p>“Well, we’re coming up on the one-year anniversary of Launch, right? Maybe we can do a picnic there, think about where this all started, and get blitzed on champagne. Bit of a memorial, you know?”</p>
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<p>She laughed. “You know, why the fuck not. It has been years since I have visited. We can make muffins and compare the smell with the dandelions.”</p>
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Reference in New Issue