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<p>What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May’s shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but then, ey was plenty tired enough. </p>
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<p>What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May’s shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but then, ey was plenty tired enough. </p>
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<p>They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while Ioan pet through May’s soft fur. There didn’t seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could.</p>
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<p>They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while ey pet through May’s soft fur. There didn’t seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could.</p>
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<p>Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against Ioan’s front, and slept straight through until morning.</p>
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<p>Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against eir front, and slept straight through until morning.</p>
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<p>Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn’t thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she’d almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than any of them.</p>
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<p>Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn’t thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she’d almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than any of them.</p>
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<p>Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze.</p>
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<p>Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze.</p>
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<p>“Good morning,” True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. “Black, yes?”</p>
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<p>“Good morning,” True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. “Black, yes?”</p>
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<p>Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn’t sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret.</p>
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<p>Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn’t sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret.</p>
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<p>“I met a young fox some centuries back.” The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. “Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position.”</p>
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<p>“I met a young fox some centuries back.” The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. “Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position.”</p>
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<p>“That makes sense. I don’t know why I thought that wouldn’t be case, actually.”</p>
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<p>“That makes sense. I don’t know why I thought that wouldn’t be case, actually.”</p>
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<p>“I have said in the past that you — that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships — have done something I was never able to,” she said. “That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend.”</p>
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<p>“I have said in the past that you two — that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships — have done something I was never able to,” she said. “That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend.”</p>
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<p>“Did you want one?”</p>
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<p>“Did you want one?”</p>
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<p>“Pardon?”</p>
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<p>“Pardon?”</p>
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<p>Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. “Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn’t allow that.”</p>
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<p>Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. “Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn’t allow that.”</p>
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<p>They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think.</p>
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<p>They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think.</p>
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<p>That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to first meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May, years later. Ey did not have an image to maintain, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something — May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name — suddenly forced the issue.</p>
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<p>That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to first meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May, years later. Ey did not have an image to maintain, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something — May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name — suddenly forced the issue.</p>
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<p>Ey didn’t know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May, with all her love, might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged itself firmly in place. They’d talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn’t think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A lingering need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that desire? A desire to help her become a better person, whatever that meant? A fit of pique?</p>
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<p>Ey didn’t know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May, with all her love, might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged itself firmly in place. They’d talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn’t think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A lingering need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that desire? A desire to help her become a better person, whatever that meant? A fit of pique?</p>
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<p>Or, no, that wasn’t it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that’s something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it’s all ey could think to do in order to fix this friction. </p>
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<p>Or, no, that wasn’t it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that’s something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it’s all ey emself could think to do in order to fix this friction. </p>
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<p>So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking, seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.</p>
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<p>So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking, seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.</p>
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<p>“Ioan?”</p>
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<p>“Ioan?”</p>
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<p>Ey started out of eir rumination. “Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?”</p>
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<p>Ey started out of eir rumination. “Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?”</p>
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<p>“Of course, my dear. You and I never shut up.”</p>
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<p>“Of course, my dear. You and I never shut up.”</p>
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<p>“Mmhm, best that way,” ey murmured, then added more seriously, “I mean the three of us, though.”</p>
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<p>“Mmhm, best that way,” ey murmured, then added more seriously, “I mean the three of us, though.”</p>
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<p>“We will, Ioan. It would be unfair to all of us not to.” May lowered her snout again and tightened her grip around eir middle. “Do you want me not to? You are allowed to say yes.”</p>
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<p>“We will, Ioan. It would be unfair to all of us not to.” May lowered her snout again and tightened her grip around eir middle. “Do you want me not to? You are allowed to say yes.”</p>
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<p>Ey sighed and placed a kiss atop her head. “I don’t know, May. I need way more time to think on it.”</p>
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<p>Ey sighed and placed a kiss atop her head. “I don’t know. I need way more time to think on it.”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “I will give you all the time in the world.”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “I will give you all the time in the world.”</p>
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<p>“Thanks, May.”</p>
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<p>“Thanks, May.”</p>
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<p>They settled in for sleep, letting the topic drop and trusting that there would be time enough to discuss it, focusing instead on closeness and comfort.</p>
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<p>They settled in for sleep, letting the topic drop and trusting that there would be time enough to discuss it, focusing instead on closeness and comfort.</p>
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<p>That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one for pleasant dreams.</p>
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<p>That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one for pleasant dreams.</p>
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<p>She smirked. “You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?”</p>
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<p>She smirked. “You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?”</p>
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<p>“Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his fixation on penance would have caused more clashes.”</p>
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<p>“Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his fixation on penance would have caused more clashes.”</p>
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<p>“It is,” she replied slowly. “But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not–” She sniffled, shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. “I need to go for a walk. Thank you both.”</p>
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<p>“It is,” she replied slowly. “But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not–” She sniffled, shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. “I need to go for a walk. Thank you both.”</p>
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<p>And with that, she stepped from the sim.</p>
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<p>And without another word, she stepped from the sim.</p>
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<p>May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. “I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this.”</p>
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<p>May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. “I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this.”</p>
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<p>Ey slouched in eir chair for a moment before reaching out to pet over her ears a few times. “Me either. I don’t know where that conversation came from, and…well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit.”</p>
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<p>Ey slouched in eir chair for a moment before reaching out to pet over her ears a few times. “Me either. I don’t know where that conversation came from, and…well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit.”</p>
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<p>She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. “It is things like this — the conversation and the thoughts that come with it — that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her.”</p>
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<p>She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. “It is things like this — the conversation and the thoughts that come with it — that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her.”</p>
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<p>“Well, come on, then. Let’s get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning.”</p>
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<p>“Well, come on, then. Let’s get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning.”</p>
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<p>“Who?” Douglas asked.</p>
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<p>“Who?” Douglas asked.</p>
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<p>“An…erstwhile lover, as she put it,” Ioan said carefully. “I probably shouldn’t go too much into that, though.”</p>
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<p>“An…erstwhile lover, as she put it,” Ioan said carefully. “I probably shouldn’t go too much into that, though.”</p>
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<p>“Agreed,” Debarre said. “But as you were saying, she was having trouble?”</p>
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<p>“Agreed,” Debarre said. “But as you were saying, she was having trouble?”</p>
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<p>“Yeah. I wasn’t expecting her to get completely taken out, but May did kind of force it on her all in one go. She lasted a few days, but I think she was maybe pushing herself pretty hard to appear strong. She crashed really hard yesterday and, despite a pretty pleasant morning, had to step out to Arrowhead Lake, and when she came back, she looked like she was about ready to start yelling at us. May was also trying to stick around as long as she could, I think, since she crashed almost immediately. We made it through the night, but she couldn’t even speak this morning.”</p>
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<p>“Yeah. I wasn’t expecting her to get completely taken out, but May did kind of force it on her all in one go. She lasted a few days, but I think she was pushing herself pretty hard to appear strong. She crashed really hard yesterday and, despite a pretty pleasant morning, had to step out to Arrowhead Lake, and when she came back, she looked like she was about ready to start yelling at us. May was also trying to stick around as long as she could, I think, since she crashed almost immediately. We made it through the night, but she couldn’t even speak this morning.”</p>
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<p>“That’s a shitload to have to deal with, yeah.”</p>
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<p>“That’s a shitload to have to deal with, yeah.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. “Friend almost gets assassinated, almost goes crazy from a merge, and disappears. Partner freaks out after a conversation, then freaks out when the merge goes sideways and mentions she was thinking of merging down, herself, then requests that I disappear. It’s just…a lot.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. “Friend almost gets assassinated, almost goes crazy from a merge, and disappears. Partner freaks out after a conversation, then freaks out when the merge goes sideways and mentions she was thinking of merging down, herself, then requests that I disappear. It’s just…a lot.”</p>
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<p>“Wait, <em>May</em> wanted to merge down?” Douglas said. “Wasn’t expecting that.”</p>
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<p>“Wait, <em>May</em> wanted to merge down?” Douglas said. “Wasn’t expecting that.”</p>
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<p>End Waking nodded. “She did mention being torn, yes. She wanted to kick her out but also wanted to help her get away from Jonas.”</p>
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<p>End Waking nodded. “She did mention being torn, yes. She wanted to kick her out but also wanted to help her get away from Jonas.”</p>
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<p>“She’s certainly softening on her.”</p>
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<p>“She’s certainly softening on her.”</p>
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<p>“And how’re you taking it?” Debarre asked. Something about Ioan — eir posture, eir face, something — made it seem like this was the question ey was dreading the most.</p>
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<p>“And how’re you taking it?” Debarre asked. Something about Ioan — eir posture, eir face, something — made it seem like this was the question ey was dreading the most.</p>
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<p>There was a long silence before Ioan answered. “It’s really getting to me. I don’t even know why, either. I think it honestly would help True Name in the end if it were just May merging down, but having that be the case with her memories of us together feels like…well, it kind of makes me jealous. Those are our memories that we made together. Our fights and good times, our affection–“</p>
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<p>There was a long silence before ey answered. “It’s really getting to me. I don’t even know why, either. I think it honestly would help True Name in the end if it were just May merging down, but having that be the case with her memories of us together feels like…well, it kind of makes me jealous. Those are our memories that we made together. Our fights and good times, our affection–“</p>
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<p>“Probably most of the memories, there,” Debarre stage-whispered, getting a smirk out of Ioan.</p>
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<p>“Probably most of the memories, there,” Debarre stage-whispered, getting a smirk out of Ioan.</p>
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<p>“Yeah. Our affection and our sex, too, for that matter. Suddenly, True Name has all that. I think it also started grating on me because of how real End Waking’s was. It wouldn’t just be a library for her perusal, but she will have actually lived them. She will have actually–” Ey frowned, as though digging for the words.</p>
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<p>“Yeah. Our affection and our sex, too, for that matter. Suddenly, True Name would have all that. I think it also started grating on me because of how real End Waking’s was. It wouldn’t just be a library for her perusal, but she will have actually lived them. She will have actually–” Ey frowned, as though digging for the words.</p>
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<p>“She’ll have actually loved you, maybe?” Debarre guessed.</p>
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<p>“She’ll have actually loved you, maybe?” Debarre guessed.</p>
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<p>Eir face fell and ey sighed. “Yeah. That. Putting it that way makes it feel terrible, but it’s exactly that.”</p>
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<p>Eir face fell and ey sighed. “Yeah. That. Putting it that way makes it feel terrible, but it’s exactly that.”</p>
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<p>“I was pulling back when she and Zacharias were getting close,” End Waking said, sounding thoughtful. “And I have been her. We were both Michelle. I know that she is capable of experiencing romantic feelings. They will not be alien to her.”</p>
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<p>“I was pulling back when she and Zacharias were getting close,” End Waking said, sounding thoughtful. “And I have been her. We were both Michelle. I know that she is capable of experiencing romantic feelings. They will not be alien to her.”</p>
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<p>Ey shrugged. “I suppose, but no need to pile on her or anything, I think she’s beating herself up over it worse than any of us could do.”</p>
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<p>Ey shrugged. “I suppose, but no need to pile on her or anything, I think she’s beating herself up over it worse than any of us could do.”</p>
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<p>Douglas nodded. “Well, that bit I believe. Think that contributed to her overflowing?”</p>
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<p>Douglas nodded. “Well, that bit I believe. Think that contributed to her overflowing?”</p>
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<p>“Almost certainly, yeah. Correct me if I’m wrong, End Waking, but while I don’t think it’s solely tied to external events, they can have an effect on it.”</p>
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<p>“Almost certainly, yeah. Correct me if I’m wrong, End Waking, but while I don’t think it’s solely tied to external events, they can have an effect on it.”</p>
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<p>The skunk nodded. He’d started panting in the heat of the sun, so it took him a moment to reply. “It just comes over us like a wave. Some of us more quickly than others. It is slower in onset for me than for either of them, I believe.”</p>
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<p>The skunk nodded. He’d started panting in the heat of the sun, so it took him a moment to reply. “It comes over us like a wave. Some of us more quickly than others. It is slower in onset for me than for either of them, I believe.”</p>
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<p>Debarre chimed in. “I usually have a few days warning. I’ve gotten mine already and was planning on heading out today, but we both wanted to come, anyway.”</p>
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<p>Debarre chimed in. “I usually have a few days warning. I’ve gotten mine already and was planning on heading out today, but we both wanted to come, anyway.”</p>
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<p>“Is it hard for you?”</p>
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<p>“Is it hard for you?”</p>
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<p>End Waking held up a paw. “I want to respect Debarre’s decision to share or not, but I would prefer not to be here for this conversation.”</p>
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<p>End Waking held up a paw. “I want to respect Debarre’s decision to share or not, but I would prefer not to be here for this conversation.”</p>
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<p>He nodded and accepted that paw. He had a feeling he knew what was coming, so even just the touch as they stepped away from the sim was worth it.</p>
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<p>He nodded and accepted that paw. He had a feeling he knew what was coming, so even just the touch as they stepped away from the sim was worth it.</p>
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<h1>Zk | 023</h1>
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<p>Sure enough, once they made it back to the forest, End Waking leaned over to nose at Debarre’s cheek, pulled his paw away, and looked off into the woods. Whenever it was time for him to ask Debarre to leave, he’d go through a little swell of anxiety.</p>
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<p>Sure enough, once they made it back to the forest, End Waking leaned over to nose at Debarre’s cheek, pulled his paw away, and looked off into the woods. Whenever it was time for him to ask Debarre to leave, he’d go through a little swell of anxiety.</p>
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<p>“I am sorry, my love. I know that it is not the easiest on you that I always do this.”</p>
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<p>“I am sorry, my love. I know that it is not the easiest on you that I always do this.”</p>
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<p>“Hey, I said I was leaving today,” he said as reassuringly as he could. “It’s not coming out of the blue.”</p>
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<p>“Hey, I said I was leaving today,” he said as reassuringly as he could. “It’s not coming out of the blue.”</p>
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<p>He queued up a sensorium message to Yared, user11827, and a few other friends he’d kept in touch with while following along with (and occasionally meddling in) the political affairs of the system. ‘Reactionary elements’ indeed.</p>
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<p>He queued up a sensorium message to Yared, user11827, and a few other friends he’d kept in touch with while following along with (and occasionally meddling in) the political affairs of the system. ‘Reactionary elements’ indeed.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-08-13</p>
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</footer>
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</main>
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</main>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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Reference in New Issue