update from sparkleup
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<!doctype html>
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<title>Zk | assessment</title>
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<link rel="stylesheet" href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css2?family=Gentium+Plus&family=Lato&family=Ubuntu+Monodisplay=swap" />
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<h1>Zk | assessment</h1>
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</header>
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<article class="content">
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<h2 id="assessment">Assessment</h2>
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<p>((Getting stuck in my head))</p>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-06-14</p>
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<!doctype html>
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<title>Zk | blind-strife</title>
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<link rel="stylesheet" href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css2?family=Gentium+Plus&family=Lato&family=Ubuntu+Monodisplay=swap" />
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<h1>Zk | blind-strife</h1>
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</header>
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<article class="content">
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<h2 id="blind-strife">Blind Strife</h2>
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<p>((Struggling against expectations versus desires esp re: feeling like I deserve to take up space))</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-06-14</p>
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<!doctype html>
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<title>Zk | engagement</title>
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<link rel="stylesheet" href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css2?family=Gentium+Plus&family=Lato&family=Ubuntu+Monodisplay=swap" />
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<h1>Zk | engagement</h1>
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</header>
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<article class="content">
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<h2 id="engagement">Engagement</h2>
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<p>((Struggling against the instinct to escape, suicidality))</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-06-14</p>
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</footer>
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</main>
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<p>Am I too demanding? Do I need too much minding? Is the amount of attention I seem to seek above the norm, whatever that is?</p>
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<p>Am I too demanding? Do I need too much minding? Is the amount of attention I seem to seek above the norm, whatever that is?</p>
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<p>Do I park myself in the corner of others’ minds? Do I sit cross-legged on the floor, a tripping hazard? Do I follow them around their thoughts, speaking? Or not speaking, yet nevertheless present?</p>
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<p>Do I park myself in the corner of others’ minds? Do I sit cross-legged on the floor, a tripping hazard? Do I follow them around their thoughts, speaking? Or not speaking, yet nevertheless present?</p>
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<p>Is asking so many questions just feeding into that anxiety?</p>
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<p>Is asking so many questions just feeding into that anxiety?</p>
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<p>((How much space I take up))</p>
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</article>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-06-14</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-06-14</p>
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<h1>Zk | triumph</h1>
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<h1>Zk | triumph</h1>
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</header>
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<article class="content">
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<blockquote>
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<h2 id="i-wish-i-could-see-your-triumph">I wish I could see your triumph.</h2>
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<p>That is the thing about hate, about loathing, even of oneself. There is a certain amount of love that has to go into that struggle. There is a certain amount of need and desire, because if there is no one there to vanquish, then what are we-who-strive even to do?</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph. \parencite[128]{timewar}</p>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph. \parencite[128]{timewar}</p>
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</blockquote>
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</blockquote>
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<p>That is the thing about hate, about loathing, even of oneself. There is a certain amount of love that has to go into that struggle. There is a certain amount of need and desire, because if there is no one there to vanquish, then what are we-who-strive even to do?</p>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph, me. I wish I could look up at you, broken and shattered, bleeding in the dust of unknown plains, and know — truly, utterly know — that I have been defeated, that I have been crushed and destroyed.</p>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph, me. I wish I could look up at you, broken and shattered, bleeding in the dust of unknown plains, and know — truly, utterly know — that I have been defeated, that I have been crushed and destroyed.</p>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph. Is that self-sacrificing of me? Of that part that loathes, that fears she is taking up too much space? I really don’t know. It’s not my place to know these things.</p>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph. Is that self-sacrificing of me? Of that part that loathes, that fears she is taking up too much space? I really don’t know. It’s not my place to know these things.</p>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph. Maybe it’s my goal to succeed, to prevail, to come out the other side and into nullity, to make it through, to win. It’s my goal to come away with my own triumph, but always, always there is that niggling little doubt, that secret desire to lose, to be beaten in a fair fight and have it proven to my face that at least someone could bring me low and say, “Hey, at least she tried, right?”</p>
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<p>I wish I could see your triumph. Maybe it’s my goal to succeed, to prevail, to come out the other side and into nullity, to make it through, to win. It’s my goal to come away with my own triumph, but always, always there is that niggling little doubt, that secret desire to lose, to be beaten in a fair fight and have it proven to my face that at least someone could bring me low and say, “Hey, at least she tried, right?”</p>
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<p>So whenever I get that awkward-shaped piece of grit between my mouth — <em>every angel is terrifying every angel is</em> — I think of that scene. I think of the way we elevate the unknown to some higher place that ourselves. I think of the patterns we hunt for in the sea foam, in the waves that can take us under or bash us senseless against some barnacled rock. I think about the crush of worlds implied in the calving of an iceberg and how easily that could destroy. I think about that rank of angels who, holding me to their breast, could so easily annihilate?</p>
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<p>So whenever I get that awkward-shaped piece of grit between my mouth — <em>every angel is terrifying every angel is</em> — I think of that scene. I think of the way we elevate the unknown to some higher place that ourselves. I think of the patterns we hunt for in the sea foam, in the waves that can take us under or bash us senseless against some barnacled rock. I think about the crush of worlds implied in the calving of an iceberg and how easily that could destroy. I think about that rank of angels who, holding me to their breast, could so easily annihilate?</p>
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<p>Do they laugh, the sea foam, the ice, the angels?</p>
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<p>Do they laugh, the sea foam, the ice, the angels?</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>I write in fire across the sky, a plummet to match your rise. \parencite[128]{timewar}</p>
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<p>I write in fire across the sky, a plummet to match your rise. \parencite[129]{timewar}</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>So then, my angel, she who would live, I wish I could see your triumph.</p>
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<p>So then, my angel, she who would live, I wish I could see your triumph.</p>
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<p>I dream of it, that moment. I dream of falling to my knees, or being so badly broken that all I can do is lay there, unmoored, and look up to the way you rise above me.</p>
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<p>I dream of it, that moment. I dream of falling to my knees, or being so badly broken that all I can do is lay there, unmoored, and look up to the way you rise above me.</p>
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