“This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid,” she’d said between sniffles. “I am sorry.”
May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights.
It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o’clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed — or perhaps reminded — her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork.
-Still, once a week or so, they’d wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their bed by a half meter to at least make it roomier when she did. She’d at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
+Still, once a week or so, they’d wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their own bed by a half meter to at least make it roomier when she did. She’d at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that.
On the other, the nights when she joined them weren’t unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that.
They’d all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session.
Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear’s through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions.
-Ey didn’t know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, per se; both were left in tears after a few meetings, and ey suspected that, as much as it had been lessened, that resentment May had felt had never gone away completely, and likely never would.
+Ey didn’t know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, granted: both were left in tears after a few meetings.
Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness.
Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out.
It took some convincing — on all three of their parts, since ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May — but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces.
-The coffee shop ey’d frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend’s life, ey stayed away, opting instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the History, so ey chose one ey’d never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for.
+The coffee shop ey’d frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend’s life, ey opted instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the History, so ey chose one ey’d never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for.
Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey’d long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey’d made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre.
That didn’t remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun.
This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass.
@@ -48,7 +48,7 @@Ey imagined the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas’s field, End Waking’s forest…well, no longer Arrowhead Lake.
“Hi Serene,” ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. “I know it’s been a while since we’ve spoken, so I hope you’re well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some…very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that’s what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it.
“Still, it’s become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we’re finding ourselves missing it. I don’t know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? It’d be a modification of my home sim. There’s no rush, and if nothing else, it’d be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon.”
-Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn’t get back into any of the books ey’d started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page’s cart, an act that almost certainly just reshelved them, and hunted down a cafe cart.
+Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn’t get back into any of the books ey’d started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page’s cart, an act that almost certainly just recycled the physical instances, and hunted down a cafe cart.
Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea.
Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard — this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid — in order to reply. “Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me.”
“No problem,” she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. “Thank you for thinking of me.”
@@ -75,7 +75,7 @@“There are billions of people here, I don’t know how that’d even be possible.”
“How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?”
“I haven’t the faintest.”
-“Well, how many of us do you think there are?”
+“Well, how many of us do you think there are?”
“Right.” Ey smirked. “‘Nominally’ a hundred.”
“There you go,” she said, voice sly. “We are old and we are many.”
“I bet,” ey laughed. “Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It’s just got bugs.”
@@ -134,7 +134,7 @@Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed.
It was, ey realized, the first time they’d been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today.
-There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em — something ey couldn’t possibly know — and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn’t that they hadn’t interacted. Far from it, actually. She’d opened up far more than ey’d expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey’d known her, about the time lost between her and the ‘other side of the clade’. And it wasn’t as though they’d not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she’d spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches.
+There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em — something ey couldn’t possibly know — and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn’t that they hadn’t interacted. Far from it, actually. She’d opened up far more than ey’d expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey’d known her, about the time lost between her and the ‘other side of the clade’, about the root of fear that drove the Odists through the centuries. And it wasn’t as though they’d not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she’d spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches.
But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty — True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk’s lap, enjoying doting affection — but she’d maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant.
You can just ask, too, you know.
“Hey, True Name?”
@@ -144,7 +144,7 @@“Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I’s relationship beforehand, and how that would impact you.” Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag as well, adding, “Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking.”
“Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least,” she said, smiling. “I have no idea, dear. I am…I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me qua True Name over the last few years feels more…real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?”
Ey knit eir brow and nodded. “Of course.”
-“Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins.” She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. “But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core — there must be — as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.”
+“Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins.” She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. “But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am what remains of True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core — there must be — as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.”
“In terms of conflicts?”
She tilted her head thoughtfully. “I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel now like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. I become less and less sure that I will be a singular person again, and so the reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says.”
“I’m sorry, True Name, that sounds…I don’t even know. Impossible.”
@@ -161,14 +161,14 @@“Not exactly, no,” came her muffled voice. “But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed.”
Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. “Sorry, True Name.”
After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in her arms on in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. “This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected,” she grumbled. “Pet my ears, please.”
-“What? Oh.” Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey’d done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of two and half decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. “Too awkward?”
+“What? Oh.” Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey’d done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of almost three decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. “Too awkward?”
“I do not know. The closer to another I get, even in just simple proximity, the more May I become, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched now that we are close, and by none other than you,” she mumbled against the beanbag. “But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?”
“Almost exactly,” ey said, then laughed. “And not at all.”
The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. “That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds.”
“Right. I think I understand a little better.”
She nodded. “It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but– no, do not stop,” she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. “Awkward, but not bad.”
-They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey’d read up on plurality when she’d first mentioned it, and this felt similar in many ways, yet still inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone into incorporating plurality into one’s life would prove useful to her, but the addition of the parallel nature of their existences apart, the singular lives they’d led concurrently, added a layer of complication.
-Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complicated in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.
+They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, impossible to pin down. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Three at once, or one after the other? Parallel or serial? Both? And yet they’d lived wholly separate, concurrent lives prior to the merges.
+Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complex in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.
If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me, ey thought. Aloud, ey said, “What do you think you’ll do after all of this?”
The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. “Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?”
Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. “What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?”
@@ -196,7 +196,7 @@“Well, that was–” ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. “Sorry, True Name. Wasn’t expecting that.”
She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. “Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment.”
Ey frowned. “It was unexpected, but I don’t know if it crossed–“
-“It crossed one of my boundaries,” she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. “I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it only through trial and error.”
+“It crossed one of my boundaries,” she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. “I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error.”
Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. “Take the space you need.”
Her shoulders slumped and identities once more warred in her expression. “I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things.” She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. “Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns.”
She laughed and squirmed back against em. “You are an enormous nerd and I love you a lot, Ionuț. I would, but you would just mumble more, I am sure.”