update from sparkleup

writing/3/terrifying/assessment.html

@@ -13,11 +13,44 @@
                 <h1>Zk | assessment</h1>
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-                <h2 id="assessment">Assessment</h2>
+                <h2 id="endless-assessment">Endless Assessment</h2>
+<p>Around and around thoughts flow like water downstream with eddies behind rocks building whirlpools as holes in identity. These holes are pins that prick through the selves within me to hold them in alignment and hold the totality up against the wall on display for some higher me to investigate.</p>
+<p>Too many words, too many thoughts.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>(Rilke quote)</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>It is hard to pull myself back upstream against the overwhelming current of so many thoughts. Already these waters have eroded the banks of the stream. Already these whorls ache within me. Already I feel my skin pruning, going soft, as though it may soon slough off under the onslaught of this investigation.</p>
+<p>And even if it doesn&rsquo;t slough off, I will still be more vulnerable, will I not? I will still keep digging at these various selves and my skin, weakened by water, will break and tear, and stain these various mes pink.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>(Time War quote)</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Ah, even my words are colored rosy from all this exploration!</p>
+<p>I cannot stop, though, can I? I dragged myself upstream and felt that singular me delaminate, and now I am&hellip;what, three? Four? That paper-thin me sheared off into impossibly thinner selves, so sheer that, holding them up to the sun, one would still be blinded, the edges disappearing into invisibility.</p>
+<p>And still, around and around thoughts flow like water downstream with eddies behind rocks building whirlpools as holes in each.</p>
+<p>I am bound to them.</p>
+<p>Though I may fear that they will tear, they also feel impossibly strong. They also bind me tighter than I could imagine. Where once that skin tore, now those identities hold it fast. </p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>(quote)</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Around and around thoughts flow like water down stream and the edges of these identities flutter prettily. They catch the light even as, having once more been washed away in this endless cycling, I claw my way back upstream.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Am I doing this right?&rdquo; I ask those fluttering edges.</p>
+<p><em>There is not a right way to do this.</em> </p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is this a valid way to explore?&rdquo;</p>
+<p><em>Valid is a meaningless term.</em></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is it okay? Is it alright? Will I be okay?&rdquo;</p>
+<p><em>You will,</em> they say. <em>You will and you will and you will, and I suppose perhaps even you will.</em></p>
+<p>&ldquo;I feel embarrassed (though not shamed) that what I had considered a settled and permanent part of my identity is maybe not either,&rdquo; I said to Echo during those slow wriggings-toward of our early relationship, as the edges of my paper-thin self began to fray. &ldquo;And I also feel embarrassed discussing that with you in particular. I don&rsquo;t deal with impostor syndrome to quite the extent that I mentioned last night, but neither is it wholly absent.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You feel embarrassed discussing plurality with a plural person in particular?&rdquo; ey replied.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think I am embarrassed because of the role our interactions have played in bringing this to the surface.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>There was a moment of silence as, I imagine, ey leaned back in eir chair, brow knit. &ldquo;Goodness, what a tapestry.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And there, behind the scenes, that delamination prickled further through my paper-thin self.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>(Rilke quote)</p>
+</blockquote>
 <p>((Getting stuck in my head))</p>
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-                <p>Page generated on 2023-06-14</p>
+                <p>Page generated on 2023-09-16</p>
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